"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands."

Podcast: Tanya Appeared on the Plain Jane Wisdom Radio Show, with Hosts Devon O'Day and Kim McLean -- Friday, April 15, 2011

2011-04-04T08:26:00.089-05:00

Listen to the Radio Show Podcast Here

NASHVILLE, TN - April 2011 -- Tanya Touchstone appeared with friends Devon O'Day and Kim McLean on their new WLAC 1510 AM Radio Show Plain Jane Wisdom on April 15, 2011, and talked about her diagnosis and journey with Colorectal Cancer in 2008. Among those things discussed was her walk with cancer and how she approached it, along with discussion about her huge support network of friends -- from her meditation group, to her work colleagues, to her job, the law firm Bass, Berry & Sims!

Devon O'Day is a veteran radio personality, author, songwriter, and speaker. Her voice has been heard on Fox, Bravo, Lifetime, CMT, GAC, The Food Network, HGTV, CBS, NBC, and CBS.

Kim McLean is an Grammy nominated Dove Award winning songwriter artist and speaker who holds a master's degree in Biblical theology from Trevecca Nazarene University. She is heard weekly on "Minute on the Mountain", a sermonette during the WSIX Country Spirit Show. Her music has been heard on CBS's Cold Case and JAG, NBC's West Wing, ABC's Hope & Faith and As the World Turns as well as several film soundtracks.

Articles by Tanya About the Cancer Experience

Faith

Separating the Light from the Dark; The Canvass of Life
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”. — Michelangelo

Lowampi

Rain

Miracles and Wings

A Simple Cup of Joe

Life Sounds

Tanya's Blog - Every Problem Has a Gift for You in its Hands

It Would Be a Pity to Waste a Good Crisis

2009-12-16T15:04:00.003-06:00

**Sent to me by my friends at One Dharma Nashville

Zen Student: "When times of great difficulty visit us, how should we greet them?"

Teacher: "Welcome."

In a Dark Place, You Still Have What Really Counts

The beauty and nobility of your life might be more visible to you if a dark contrast is available. A woman who was meditating with the koan at the start of this piece-the little conversation about hard times and "welcome"-was in an unusual situation. Her father was prosecuted for the murder of her mother, a death that happened decades ago and for which no resolution has been found. No one close to the situation believes her father did this. But someone with a grudge, and hearsay evidence, and a relative with dementia, and an eager prosecutor...If it's a cliché that a prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich, it becomes personal when you are related to the ham sandwich.

The woman with the meditation practice noticed something unexpected, though-she is happy, she's not outraged, and although people expect and even want her to be angry with the prosecutor, that is not what she feels. She gave counsel to her father, and sympathy, and money for defense lawyers, but she didn't have to give her own emotional well-being. The intensity of the difficulty actually drove her to deeper practice and the world suddenly became very beautiful, not at an unspecified future date, when the situation would be resolved, but now, when nothing is resolved, or fair, or sensible-now, when it's now. Even the prosecutor's face glowed with light. "No one told me it would be like this," she said. Awakening might happen at any time, perhaps especially when we are convinced that something else is going on. That's a positive surprise, a benign-catastrophe.

If You Are in a Predicament, There Will Be a Gate

In the main, koans are predicaments the you can use in case you don't have one lying around in your life. Usually, of course, you do have a predicament, since being human is a predicament. I might think that it's a bad thing to have lost something, but if I start from the current situation there will always be a doorway. When I meditate it's like calling out a spell in a forgotten language. The spell slowly traces the outlines of a door, making the way out visible, even in twilight, even in the darkest, most forgotten prison. When we lose money or get a diagnosis, we might decide that this is a bad thing, but we might be wrong. Uncertainty and the unknown are not things to endure; they are things to rely on. If you don't even consider winning or losing, there will always be a doorway.

When I had cancer, I thought it might be inconvenient or frightening, but it was interesting. It made me a lot less lazy about being present. There was a time when diagnosis, course of treatment, and outcome were all uncertain, and in that condition my mind reached for certainty over and over again. That quest, being hopeless, brought pain. But when my mind stopped reaching out and fell back into the warm dark of uncertainty, time stretched out infinitely on either side and there was a pool of joy that seemed bottomless-joy in breathing, joy in hearing the birds in the cold before dawn. Having cancer was much more exciting than sitting in an armchair watching the game on Sunday. And everything I looked at had the aspect of tenderness and delicacy. I looked into the checkout clerk's eyes and saw the universe looking back.

--by John Tarrant, from Shambhala Sun

All Clear; Balance

2009-08-30T13:20:00.015-05:00

As promised, I'm writing with an update. I know I keep apologizing for not having been here much, but life has been busy. My mother has been terribly ill, in and out of the hospital, and I've been caring for her while at the same time reacquainting myself with life. It's good to be here.

My dear oncologist, Dr. Raefsky, sent me for scans a few weeks ago and with everyone's breath held, we welcomed the news that the scans are clear. I had a hard time digesting that news. After over a year of heavy duty schedules and care, it seems surreal to be able to let up and just enjoy life. Dr. Raefsky was kind enough to let me know right away, not making me wait the several days until my appointment, to hear the news. Again, I am very grateful to have a doctor like him. He is kind, caring, and also brilliant. One cannot ask for a better combination of traits in a doctor when they are going through cancer treatment. Thank you, Dr. Raefsky.

Once the news was back, I let out my breath. It's hard to believe that 2009 is almost over, coming to a close. I've found myself still living in 2008, still digesting all that happened to me. 2010 will be here before I know it, and perhaps then I can catch up with myself, embrace it, and actually be here now, in the present moment.

I've done quite a bit since receiving the 'all clear,' and some of it I did too soon. One thing I didn't do too soon, was enjoy the martini celebration with my dear, sweet bosses at work. It was nice to raise a glass with them, toasting to my health, and I am also very grateful for them and their patience, as they understood each and every time I had to leave early to rearrange schedules in order to keep doctor appointments. My office has been nothing short of incredible in their support. Once again, I am so grateful.

Two weeks ago I traveled with my friend Maribeth to the Shambhala Mountain Center in Denver to attend a 3 day seminar with one of my favorite authors, Gary Zukav. It was wonderful, but this was the thing I did too soon. Hiking a mile in the heat, crude (sort of) accommodations, and food that did not marry well with my ostomy needs made it a little hectic and trying to be there, and I have some neuropathy in my hands and feet since doing that. I overdid it, and I'm trying to go a little slower now. All in all, though, it was worth it, and the setting was beautiful.

Last night I attended the Bill Clinton speech for Jackson Day at the Renaissance hotel, and was able to hear in person Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Harold Ford, Jr. It was awesome, and the energy in the room was incredible. I had such a wonderful time, and Maribeth accompanied me. Thanks to my boss, Scott, for making our attendance possible.

I will probably not be posting as much or as often as I have in the past. I'm honestly not even sure how many still read this blog! Quite frankly, I want a break from cancer, even though it seems so many around me are being newly diagnosed with cancer every day. I have five years to see if the cancer will return in any form and in any place in my body. I'm trying to focus on good times, friends -- life.

I will, however, be posting informative articles here, and ways you can stave off cancer -- don't forget to filter your water! Inexpensive filtering systems can be found at Target, Wal Mart -- a number of places. Do it. I promise you'll be glad. Don't forget to do the exams your doctor recommends and, really, even if they don't recommend them! Take charge of your health. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

As I've said before, my family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers have been my blanket of care throughout my journey with cancer. I am so incredibly grateful, and I have learned from all of you how to better be there for others in need. Thank you for teaching me a fine way to be. I promise, I won't let you down.

So, it's onward and upward from here. I'm back leading meditation full time now and enjoying being in the company of my Circle of Friends I care for so dearly.

Life is good. It is indeed good. Don't waste a moment. I certainly don't plan to waste a single moment. I'm all clear, and one thing I've learned in walking this path is that it is all about balance.

Love, Tanya

Trey Franklin and Gifts!

2009-07-10T07:50:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize for that. I have been sick, sick, sick from the chemo, but -drum roll- it's over! I finished my last treatment two weeks ago Wednesday, and I'm so grateful to be finished with that part of it. Chemo can kick you where it hurts, but it's also a good kick in the direction of health. Here's hoping for a field goal! Scans will follow in a couple of weeks and there is great hope that everything is gone. I think everyone knows it's gone, but we have to be proactive. I appreciate my my Oncologist, Dr. Raefsky, and his care!

One of my bosses, Josh Denton, has a nephew named Trey. Trey was in a really horrible car accident a while back, and it's a miracle he's still alive. He was life-flighted to Vanderbilt from the scene of the accident and everyone immediately started praying for him. I am living testament to the power of prayer, so I knew that Trey would be lifted up at a time when he really needed it.

This morning I was reading an update on Trey which I'm going to post below. It made me cry. People are wonderful! It's all the support that gets us through tough times, and I know that I and Trey are so grateful for that human support.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands, and Trey has been no exception to this fact. Please rejoice with me in Trey's progress by reading his mother's update below. It will make you feel good, and it will show you the power of love and support.

We may complain at times, we may at times feel that no one cares, but let me tell you -- people do care and sometimes it's people we don't even know who really step up to help out. This has been the case with me.

If you want to follow Trey's progress, you can do so here. In the meantime, please enjoy this wonderful post from Trey's mom and know, really know, that you have more support than you will ever realize, even from people you have never met.

Life is indeed grand. I celebrate this day and every day to follow. It's truly a gift! People are good at heart. Here's to you, Trey!

Trey's update:

What a wonderful day! God Is Great and his people are amazing.

Trey and I got up, ate breakfast, said our goodbyes and hit the road. Trey and I both felt it was bittersweet leaving. Everyone around us just tends to become family! Shepherd is an amazing place, and have an amazing staff! On our way home, Frank was wanting to know exactly where we were. So, I was texting every mile marker of the way.

When I got off at the Nortonville Exit, I found out why. The Nortonville Police pulls up right in front of me, blocks the road, gets out and asked if I'm Treys Mom. Then he spoke a few words to Trey and said he'd been ordered to give us a police escort into town.

As we drove into town there were HUGE signs saying Keep Dancing Trey. Then we pulled up over the Nortonville bridge and as we topped the bridge, it hit me to see how many people have been pulling for Trey. The street in front of the Nortonville Baptist church was lined, everyone cheering and holding signs, waving. Trey wanted to stop so, we did.

We pulled in and Trey got out to talk to his buddies. Everyone seemed thrilled to see him. Most had been to Vandy and saw him in the very first few days. Let me tell ya, he's came a long way!

Trey stayed and visited a short time, then he was ready to go. We loaded up and headed to Moppi's.

I'm completely overwhelmed with the support from our community. One of our favorite restaurants in Nortonville has had on their sign out front, "Pray for Trey" since the night of the wreck. Today the sign read, "Welcome Home Trey".

Thank you all so much for your support, I tell ya, it would have been tough going through this without you!

Keep those prayers going up and keep those dancing shoes on!

Much love, Many thanks!

Jill

One Year

2009-06-17T07:07:00.007-05:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of my original diagnosis. Rectal cancer, Stage 3.

I went back to the beginning of this blog and was reading about all the things I was feeling at that time. One post in particular stood out to me - you can read that one here.

I have another week to go until my last treatment. From there it will be scans, one more colonoscopy to check for anything else still floating around, and then it's periodic check-ups to see how things are.

I hope you will take the time to read the old post above because it's exactly true to the way I feel about all of you ... in the now.

One thing I have learned, one gift I have received through this is that life really is an illusion. It's all about our perceptions and it's all about what we do with each moment. I knew it before, intellectually, but I really know it now.

In fact, I know it so well that I feel like a chubby old monk, sitting in orange robes upon a rock, laughing out loud at our perception of reality. The laughter gives me great joy and peace. That is a good feeling.

My heartfelt love to all, and a gratitude so deep that words cannot adequately express it.

You are all so special to me, and I thank you for sharing this journey with me. I could not have done it without you, and I realize more than anything else that we really are all connected, and that's good to know.

All my love and gratitude, Tanya

Tuck and Roll ... Or Tanya and the Blow Fish?

2009-06-08T14:16:00.003-05:00

I apologize for having been away so long. The chemo effects have stopped any desire to write at this time, but I do compose blog posts in my head. Issue is that they don’t seem to make it to the computer! I’m just trying to get to the end of treatment, and that will be here before I know it.

Since the anniversary of my original diagnosis date is a mere 9 days away, and I find this very hard to believe, I thought before my 7th infusion, the next to last one, that I would write about steroids and the challenging truth of its effects.

When I first started the second round of chemo, they told me I would have some symptoms and that it was possible it would build in my system. I was fortunate to not get any of the really awful effects such as severe nausea, mouth sores, really chronic fatigue, etc. My eyesight has been affected, but this will go away.

It's the steroids - they have me so swollen that I feel as if I could tuck my chin in and roll anywhere in the city I desire to go! I’m not kidding. Every time they weigh me they say, “Don’t worry, honey – it’s the steroids and it will all fall off when you’re finished.” From their lips to God’s ear! They tell me this is really true and, if so, I can’t wait.

I know, though, that I’m lucky to be here ... to feel this way, because it means I can still feel, still be here.

So, even though this entry is short, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. I’m here, and I’m rolling along. Pun intended.

2009-05-15T08:52:00.011-05:00

This past Wednesday I went for my fifth of eight treatments at Tennessee Oncology. You should check out their website - it is a wealth of information!

I remain amazed at the difference in this clinic and the last one. It's pretty near perfect at Tennessee Oncology. There is one, lone nurse here who is usually in a bad mood and bangs things around and ruins the atmosphere a little (there's always one!), but overall, the atmosphere is excellent and the care factor phenomenal! They truly care here, and it makes such a difference in the lives of their patients.

Wednesday's crew in the chemo lab proved to be a chatty and upbeat bunch, and there was some good conversation.

The gentleman sitting next to me was there for his last treatment. There was an air of excitement on his behalf in the lab!

As I sat reading my book, I noticed some activity coming from the nursing section of the lab. Lo and behold, I looked up and saw the nurses get in a line and start marching. They then marched directly into the chemo lab and up to the gentleman next to me -- singing at the top of their lungs -- John Philip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever," the National March of the United States of America!

As they reached him, they congratulated him on his last treatment and handed him a blue heart (reminiscent of a purple heart used to honor military personnel) poster where they had all signed their names and wished him luck. Everyone in the chemo lab cheered and applauded.

I'd never seen such! And, I was glad to see it!

Once again I found myself wanting to rent a giant U-Haul, head over to the other clinic, load them up, and carry them to Tennessee Oncology.

Hat's off to a wonderful place, and the staff and their attitudes, overall, are stellar!

I'm so glad I switched! Please know there are always options in treatment. I couldn't be happier! In fact, that simple act, the care of those nurses, taking the time to honor this man in this way ... it made me cry. A happy cry. I'm grateful.

Ode Magazine - Anticancer: A New Way of Life by David Servan-Schreiber

2009-04-22T17:16:00.023-05:00

Greetings one and all. As most of you know, I have been pretty sick since my last chemo treatment. I don't like to leave the blog inactive for such a long period of time, so I thought I would share a discovery I have made (through a friend) with all of you. A new book by David Servan-Schreiber called Anticancer: A New Way of Life. I first learned about the book from a friend and member of my meditation group, Kate. I finally got around to ordering it, and I'm glad I did because it arrived today and I can't put it down.

Servan-Schreiber is a doctor. He was also diagnosed with cancer. His story is touching and informative. You must read the book.

Accordingly, while I'm recovering, I'm going to paste here the beginning of an article from Ode Magazine. At the end of the excerpt you will be able to read the entire article in the link provided. Enjoy this very important excerpt from a very important new book. You can also access a YouTube Interview with Dr. Servan-Schreiber here or you can watch it at the very bottom of this post.

My life is about to change, again. Peace, Tanya

***From Ode Magazine***

How to help your body help itself.

In this exclusive excerpt from his new book, Anticancer: A New Way of Life, French psychiatrist and neuroscientist David Servan-Schreiber describes how he survived cancer with medical treatment and by boosting his immune system’s natural defenses through diet, exercise and a positive outlook on life.

David Servan-Schreiber November 2008 issue

I have cancer.

I was diagnosed with a brain tumor for the first time 15 years ago. After surgery and chemotherapy, I asked my oncologist for advice. What should I do to lead a healthy life and what precautions could I take to avoid a relapse? “There’s nothing special to do. Lead your life normally. We’ll do MRI scans at regular intervals and if your tumor comes back, we’ll detect it early,” replied this leading light of modern medicine.

“But aren’t there exercises I could do, a diet to follow or to avoid? Shouldn’t I be working on my mental outlook?” I asked. My colleague’s answer bewildered me. “In this domain, do what you like. It can’t do you any harm. But we don’t have any scientific evidence that any of these approaches can prevent a relapse.

What my doctor meant was that oncology is an extraordinarily complex field that’s changing at breakneck speed. He was already hard-pressed to keep up with the most recent diagnostic and therapeutic procedures.

I know this problem as an academic physician. Each in our own specialty, we’re rarely aware of fundamental discoveries recently published in prestigious journals such as Science or Nature. Not until they’ve been the subject of large-scale human studies do we take note. Still, these breakthroughs may enable us to protect ourselves long before they’ve led to new drugs or protocols that will become mainstream treatments tomorrow.

When I found out I had a brain tumor, I was 31 years old, young and ambitious. I’d been out of my native France for more than 10 years, living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. With a friend, I ran a laboratory of functional brain imaging funded by the National Institutes of Health. Our goal was to understand the mechanisms of thought by linking them to the workings of the brain. We had a new theory—on the role of the prefrontal cortex in schizophrenia—and were rising stars of American psychiatry.

I discovered overnight a world that looked familiar but, in fact, I knew little about—the world of the patient. I’d known casually the neurosurgeon to whom I was immediately referred. We’d had patients in common, and he was interested in my research. After my tumor was discovered, our conversations changed completely. No more allusions to my scientific experiments. I was asked to lay bare the intimate details of my life, describe my symptoms in full. We discussed my headaches, nausea, the chances I would have seizures. Stripped of my professional attributes, I joined the ranks of ordinary patients. I felt the ground giving way beneath me.

I clung as best I could to my status as a physician. Rather pitifully, I wore my white coat with my name and degrees embroidered in blue lettering to my appointments. In my hospital, where hierarchy was often pronounced, the nurses and orderlies who knew your status called you “doctor” respectfully. But when you were on a stretcher and no longer wearing your white coat, you became “Mr. So-and-so” or, more often, “honey.”

Like everyone else, you waited in the waiting room that as a doctor you’d breezed through, head high, avoiding eye contact with patients so as not to be waylaid. Like everyone else, you were taken to the examination room in a wheelchair. What did it matter if the rest of the time you moved around these same corridors on the run? “It’s hospital policy,” the orderly would say. You resigned yourself to being treated as someone who couldn’t be trusted to walk.

You can read the rest of the article here.

Chemo Sabe ..uh.. Kemo Sabe and .. The Mod Squad?

2009-04-12T16:23:00.016-05:00

The last infusion knocked me for a loop I was not expecting, and it made me pretty sick. I tolerated the first one so well that the second one caught me by surprise. I let people know this because in the last post I stated I would not be posting much while this was going on. Nevertheless, I did try to think of witty, amusing, and even inspiring posts I might write. My thoughts wandered over the landscape of my mind, trying to think how to make amusing the strange and indescribable feelings of chemo.

I guess I could have written about the digestive process and how the ostomy hardware would like to remove itself from your body, of its own accord, in the first days following an infusion. I ran out of the office a week ago Friday with that particular issue. Or, I could write about what feels like a volcano (of steroids) erupting through your head ... when you are trying to act normally and yet feel this mildly out of control feeling with regard to your reactions to various things and situations, and words that randomly, and incorrectly in a given context, fall from your lips - mostly due to fluctuating blood pressure and sugar levels.

Then again, there is also the fatigue, lack of sleep, memory loss, neuropathy ... No, I thought, who wants to read about that? Probably no one and, to my ear, it could be taken as complaining, which I definitely cannot complain. Others have much more on their plate, like the 7 year old I read about recently who has 9 months of chemo and radiation ahead of them. This fact causes my measly 16 weeks to sound tame in comparison. Blessings to that 7 year old.

So, instead, I go back to a magazine article I was reading during the last infusion. It appears that Peggy Lipton, of Mod Squad fame, has been undergoing treatment for colo-rectal cancer. Who knew? Her daughter, who I now really like, started calling her mom "Chemo Sabe." That's more like it. I laughed aloud and immediately adopted the name. A quick Google search informs me that this is in no way an original joke. Who cares? I think it's hilarious! So, since I have nothing funny to say myself, I decided to post something written by someone else online about the origin and back-story of Kemo Sabe (that's "Chemo Sabe" to my friends).

I will be going for my third infusion this Wednesday. This one will be 4 hours, as opposed to 3 hours. I think I'm just going to stay in the moment and experience it as it comes; notice and report. I'm more prepared for it this time, but what do we really know for sure? As I like to say, "Let's go."

In the meantime, enjoy the following because you may, like me, enjoy trivia. You can thank me the next time you are in a Trivial Pursuit match and the Lone Ranger question presents itself. (Do not ever go up against me in a game of Trivial Pursuit involving anything to do with music or pop culture. You will lose!) I'll be checking back in with you as I can. In case the author of the following wonders about an attribute, you can click here for that.

The Definitive Word on "Kemo Sabe"

We all know, or at least those of us over 30 know, that Tonto called the Lone Ranger "Kemo Sabe." Did you know that during the early radio shows the Lone Ranger also called Tonto Kemo Sabe? (It was originally spelled "Kemo Sabay") I have assumed that it was a friendly expression from one of the Native American languages, and I have found nothing to dispute this, but very little to support it. Like all good theories, one must try just as hard to disprove them as to prove them. I have asked several Native Americans about "Kemo Sabe" and they have all looked at me like I was asking them about the unified theory of the universe.

Recently my friend Fran sent me a newspaper clipping that sheds some additional light on the matter. This information came from Dave Barry's column in the New York Daily News, Saturday, June 10, 2000. Dave Barry swears that he has researched the matter and his facts are correct. According to Barry, "The original "Lone Ranger" show was created at Detroit radio station WXYZ in 1933. This explains why Tonto called the Lone Ranger 'Kemo Sabe,' a phrase that is derived from the name of a boys' summer camp in Michigan owned by the director's uncle." Now the question remains as to where the boys' camp got their name. I have read that Kemosabe in the Navajo language means "soggy bush," or "soggy shrub." I don't believe they would have named their camp "soggy bush." There are a lot of things I could say at this point, but none of them are tasteful, so I'll move along.

A search of the Internet using "Kemo Sabe" got me 80 links, and many of those had other links. Several links led me to a miniature donkey named Kemo Sabe. There are a number of commercial ventures using the name Kemo or Kemo Sabe, including one design firm. I wonder if they know about the Navajo translation. I did find out that the first use of the name Kemo Sabe was in a very early film clip where a group of six Texas rangers were ambushed and all killed but one. The surviving ranger, which is where the "lone" comes from in Lone Ranger, is found and nursed back to health by an Indian named Tonto. Tonto recognizes a ring that he gave the ranger when they were youth many years ago and calls him Kemo Sabe, as in recognition of a long lost friend. At this juncture, we can only speculate to its meaning. "Trusted friend" or "long lost friend" are plausible guesses.

I don't trust anything that Dave Berry writes, so I did some further research. In the 1930's, when the Lone Ranger show got its start, there was indeed a camp in the northern part of Michigan called "Ke Mo Sah Bee" and the name is reported to have stood for "trusty friend" or "trusty scout." Since the show got its start in Michigan, it seems logical that the name could have come from there. Could Dave Berry be right? But wait! A respected researcher at the Smithsonian Institute claims that Kemo Sabe comes from the Tewa Indian dialect where "Kema" means "friend" and "Sabe" means "Apache." Another scholar claims that in the Yavapai Indian language the word "kinmasaba" means "one who is white."

Personally, I think Tonto, who was a Mohawk, was speaking Navajo, and he was insulting the lone ranger for being ambushed (no pun intended) like an amateur. After all, The Lone Ranger was a member of the famed Texas Rangers. If Gabby Hayes had found him instead of Tonto, the phrase "Lilly Livered," or "Dag nab it" might have become famous instead of Kemo Sabe.

Here, There, and Everywhere

2009-03-26T16:29:00.017-05:00

When I was a young girl I loved the lyrics and music to "Here, There, and Everywhere," a song written and performed by Paul McCartney for his then love, Jane Asher. I used to think it must be great to have such a loving and lovely tribute, for the world to hear.

History will show that though Jane Asher received such a lovely gift of song, she did not ultimately become Paul McCartney's wife. Linda Eastman became his life partner, a part of Beatles history.

Linda Eastman McCartney was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1995 and succumbed to the disease after it spread to her liver in 1998.

I give that little bit of Beatles history because the other morning, while getting ready for work, I was brushing my hair, and I noticed strands of it flying here, there, and everywhere. The song came to mind.

My mind works that way. I think of humorous ironies constantly, and given my situation, I'm glad my brain is wired that way. I learned long ago to laugh at life's inconveniences. Life works better that way ... if we flow.

I am almost to my second chemo infusion, No. 2, in this last phase of treatment. I am grateful beyond words that I have no nausea. I do have very frizzy and thinning hair, some heartburn now and then, fatigue (let's try to make it to 7pm tonight!), chemo brain, and some minor ostomy issues, but overall, I've been spared the major debilitating symptoms of chemotherapy.

Someone said to me that I must be doing so well because of my good attitude. I thought about that after it was said because I would never want anyone reading this blog to think that a good attitude spares one physical issues. I think it helps, but genetics have a lot to do with it. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was always ridiculously healthy. 'Strong like Bull' - that was me.

Even though I've gone through this illness with pretty relative ease in comparison to others, I know that it is my 'Strong like Bull' genetic makeup that has really helped me to tread the waters of side effects. I have been incredibly fortunate. Good attitude helps, yes, but it is not the cure. If you read this, and you are sick from chemo, even if you have the best attitude, know that you are in good company, and do not judge yourself. Good attitude helps you walk through it, but it does not spare you side effects. Some people get really sick on chemo and others do not. I'm one of the lucky ones where that is concerned.

I have not been writing a lot lately. Instead, I've been resting a lot as I am tired by the time I arrive home from work. I will try to continue to give regular updates because I am so fortunate to have so many who care to know how I am doing.

Speaking of which, Paul McCartney wrote a song for Linda McCartney, too, "Maybe I'm Amazed," and in many ways that song is even better and fitting for this post. It's the way I feel about my friends.

Enjoy a tribute to you, a lovely and loving tribute, for the world to hear.

Joy

2009-03-18T16:46:00.004-05:00

I did not need to draw on my Viking heritage today, so I thought I would display one more cool image before I have to put my Valkyrie strengths away for another time, another place.

Today I went for my first treatment at Tennessee Oncology. All I can say for those who are or will deal with cancer, whether it be for yourself, family members, and/or friends, run - do not walk to Tennessee Oncology. The difference between them and the last clinic is staggering. I cannot, however, forget about the blood nurses at my last clinic - they were stupendous. (They need to work at Tennessee Oncology!)

I arrived there at 9:30 this morning and left at about 2:45 this afternoon. I met with the Nurse Practitioner (Oncology) who was humorous, brainy, positive, and supportive! (Yes!) She explained everything to me in great detail and also told me that I had been through some pretty tough stuff. No one else had told me that, so I expressed my surprise to her. She said a lot of people didn't have to deal with the two surgeries, infections, and radiation wounds, for the most part, though it did happen at times, so she was amazed to see me looking so entirely well. That made me feel really good. I had no idea! She also said I should be excited about this chemo round (I assured her I was), because it was the final step to being ... done. She said she felt really good about my ability to tolerate everything. Again, what a difference!

I then proceeded to the chemo room to be hooked up for 3 hours to the various chemo feeds. It was completely relaxing, very sunny, good moods and positive attitudes everywhere ... I likened it to having been in purgatory and finally ascending to heaven.

At the end of the final chemo feed, I met with the psychologist on staff. Yes, on staff. The psychologist's services are completely covered by insurance and she is there to meet with anyone who needs to talk at any time. (Again, I'm falling out here.) We chatted and she asked me how I view the cancer experience. I told her I consider it a gift. She looked at me, turned around, and pulled a 3 inch stack of papers from her desk. She said that science agrees that viewing cancer as a gift makes the experience so much better, and she said lost of folks have to work to get there, to view it that way. She said since I started that way that I was way ahead of the game. So we talked about all the gifts cancer has to offer. It was a delightful conversation!

Next, I told her that once I have completed my treatments I want to be an advocate for others who walk this path. She grabbed onto this with both hands, and was extremely interested in the free-of-charge meditation practice I would like to offer cancer patients. What's more, she said that my Oncologist was completely interested in and supportive of such a practice. The interest level from a clinic was new for me, and I am grateful to have this experience. The psychologist said we would get together once I finish treatments and she would help me get going with what I feel is a calling.

As the fluids dripped into me today, I could feel my brain going a little soft, meaning that it felt as if I'd had one or two too many martinis. This means I have to rest a little more now. Accordingly, this post will pretty much end here.

I do want to tell you that I am so thrilled I made the change. I am so thrilled to meet this wonderful staff, and I am further thrilled to have such a great experience.

Honestly, I can tell you - I am, quite literally, raising my arms to the heavens ... with joy.

Beneath the Surface; Looking Deeply

2009-03-12T16:18:00.012-05:00

Last week I went to see a new chemotherapy doctor. I thought back to my experience with the original doctor and found myself dreading dealing with the doctor again. You will note that I wasn't dreading the procedure itself, I was dreading the experience with the doctor. I knew that was not good.

One should have complete faith that they are receiving the best care, and I did not feel that way. So, I let my regular doctor know and he sent me to a chemotherapy doctor who is known as one of the best in the country. Relief.

The new doctor did not agree with the intensive chemotherapy route, but did explain to me how important it was to finish the process, to make sure to reach beneath the surface and make sure all cancer cells were pressure washed away, so to speak, and destroyed, for good. Accordingly, I will be in his care for 16 weeks, with treatment every other week, 3 hours each time, and then wearing the ever stylish chemo fanny pack for 2 days following each treatment. Given the fact that I was originally to wear the fanny pack 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 weeks, this is good news indeed. I begin Wednesday, March 18.

I questioned the need for chemo, especially intensive chemo, for this final phase. It seemed to me I was feeling good, the cancer is gone, and so I asked myself why I should put my body through the additional strain of filling it with more toxins. Apparently, the best doctors will tell you this is very necessary. The difference is that this new doctor actually sat down with me and explained in great detail, with charts no less, the reasons and the conventional medical wisdom with regard to treatment.

It was nice to not have a beeper going off the entire time I was talking to him! I should also mention that the port, which the previous hospital had told me had been plugged for some time, was not plugged. The new doctor had it working immediately. My poor veins thought back to the hospital experience, when the port could have been used ... and was not. Oh well, this is now, and now is definitely right on time.

I will once again be incorporating the practice of "looking deeply," and in doing so I can develop my insight into impermanence and no self, as these are the keys to the door of reality. I know that I have been through the most difficult part of this process, and I tolerated the chemo well the first time, so I can expect to tolerate it well this time, even though the dose will be much greater. I will also be able to work throughout the process and no one will have to go with me for treatments.

My tolerance for patience has greatly improved during this journey and, looking deeply once again, I can see that my friends will carry the things I cannot carry, and they will do so beautifully. Yet another gift. I can also see the gift in this for them, because in the past I handled everything, and now I know well that they really want to handle some things, and I have learned to allow that. Blessings for all. So I sit my very busy life aside in less than a week so that rest and healing can take place.

In Zen teaching there is a saying: "The lotus only grows in mud." I have definitely walked through some mud during this process, and I know that the mud has been necessary for my own growth. Now I await the proper conditions for the bloom to manifest. I know that it will. And I know that this, too, is impermanent. It is also faith.

Cancer Is So Limited; Pull Out the Horn Hat, More Chemo is on the Horizon

2009-02-26T16:43:00.011-06:00

Next week I begin again. It's time to visit the doctors and start phase 3 of this walk with cancer. It is presumed I will begin sometime the week of March 16.

I visited my surgeon Monday and he told me I'd had the best 'heal up' he'd ever seen. This was very encouraging to hear from him, but in my heart I already knew this and I told him. He cautioned that the next round of chemo, which will be intensive, could reopen wounds and that I might have to start over with the healing but, surprisingly, he added, "... but I think it's highly unlikely." Well! Encouragement from a doctor! That's a big time 'wow.' I was so happy that he was looking on the bright side. It's been a long time coming.

Faithful readers know that I have Viking roots and wrote about that in a previous entry (http://thegiftofcancer.blogspot.com/2008/07/yes-chemo-doc-comes-round-valkyrie.html). I drew on those roots during the first phase of treatment, when I underwent chemo and radiation at the same time. Now you know why the photo is included above. I do try to keep a sense of humor about these things.

Friends who work in the medical field have told me that though they don't know what type of chemo I'll be on, that intensive means just that, intensive. So, it's possible I could lose some hair and it's possible that I could get really sick. However, this did not happen during the first phase, so I'm going to go with my own personal experience and know that possible means just that, possible.

If I do start to lose my hair, I will invite my friends to shave my head. I want my friends to take my hair, not the chemo. Don't worry - I won't start donning orange robes and get rid of all my shoes, but a Viking Monk is quite a concept! [I wonder if a horn hat would stay put on a bald head ... and red braids [attached to the hat] would clash with the orange robe - so many things to consider!) Kidding aside, I will make a ceremony of losing what may be lost in the course of treatment, because the loss will allow the gain. We shall see what gifts come from this.

My faithful friend, Joe, sent me a beautiful poem he found in a periodical he reads. I think it is fitting to end this post with that poem. It is so true, and I love the poem. You will find it below.

So, my horn hat is ready, I'm summoning all my faith and courage, and I will embrace any fears surrounding this phase of treatment, let them fall at my feet, and move gracefully beyond them. I can do it.

What cheers me the most are, ironically, the words my surgeon told me after my second surgery, when I was so very ill. He put his hand on my arm and said, "You're past the worst of this now, kid." I think I looked at him with an incredulous look on my face. It had not dawned on me that this was the case. What good news. I will offer updates as I have them and as I can. Thanks for listening.

Cancer Is So Limited

It cannot cripple Love.

It cannot shatter Hope.

It cannot corrode Faith.

It cannot destroy Confidence.

It cannot kill Friendship.

It cannot shut out Memories.

It cannot silence Courage.

It cannot invade the Soul.

It cannot reduce Eternal Life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

It cannot lessen the power of the Resurrection.

Life Sounds

2009-02-15T13:40:00.013-06:00

A few weeks ago I went to hear my friend Mike Serna perform at the B'hai Temple. It was a poignant moment for me as it was pretty much touch and go for Mike last year and it was thought he might die. I always felt that he would pull through in the end. You may have read about his struggles here at this blog. Well, he's not dying and he's out playing flute again, and this is good. For me, hearing him play is the sound of life. As he plays "Amazing Grace" on his Native flute, I hear the breath of Creator flow through him, the music of the Divine, and I know this is a true miracle. This would be something I would need to remember soon.

Fast foward a couple of weeks to the meditation class I facilitate on Tuesdays after work. I have a wonderful circle of friends there, and they are very supportive. Last week was difficult for me. Since I received the colostomy, which will be with me the rest of my life, I've pretty much breezed through the entire process. At first it was difficult, but I got the hang of it fairly quickly when I look back on it, and life has pretty much returned to normal. I have a few challenges, but nothing to speak of. Really.

However, last week at meditation where, as you might imagine, there is a great deal of silence, my ostomy was quite noisy. Some people mistake the noise for flatulence, but in reality it is my digestive system working. I never know when the noise is going to happen and I have no control over it at all. I hear it at the same time others hear it. Despite the fact that I have been extremely open about having a colostomy, this is the one issue that causes me a great deal of embarrassment, and even humiliation.

During meditation discussion last week, after having the noises go on for some time, I was listening to someone speak and a loud noise came from me. By reflex I hit my abdomen area in an attempt to make it stop, and it hurt. I was taken aback because I couldn't quite believe that I had actually hit my ostomy. I felt bad for my body, as it was only doing what it is meant to do. I felt shame.

Then, quite unexpedtedly, my bouncy sunshiney friend, Susan, interrupted the person speaking and asked if she could say something. She spoke to the group about the fact that my ostomy was making noises and everyone laughed. I felt embarrassment, yes, but also relief that she had broken the silence, which is a curious way to describe it because there was definitely no silence, but there was silence about what was happening. She looked at me and said that she loved it when my ostomy made noises because it meant I was alive and 'here.' She said every time it makes noise she says to herself, "Yes! She's here! She's alive!" Everyone smiled at her. Everyone smiled at me, and they all said they felt the same way.

What Susan did was such a gift and such a compassionate act because it gave me an opportunity to explain my situation to new attendees, and also to not have to feel such shame and embarrassment about something I couldn't control.

I am working now, because of Susan's act of compassion, to look for ways to view my ostomy noise as "life sounds."

She's right, you know. I can be here and make sound or I can not be here and be silent. Sound is best.

I want to thank Susan for offering me a new way to view and also listen to my ostomy. I want to be thankful and mindful of life sounds.

Thank you so much, Susan, for handing me that flower. You are a Bodhisattva. I love you very much.

"We are all holes in the flute
that the Divine's breath moves through.
Listen to this music." ~Hafiz~

A Simple Cup of Joe?

2009-01-30T16:50:00.015-06:00

I've not written much lately. I've been scheduling get-togethers with friends and using my time before the second round of chemo wisely - I've been having fun! In addition, I continue to deal with the unexpected - the after effects of chemo.

Chemo has affected me more than I ever thought it would. It makes sense: Toxins are flowing through your body and brain in an attempt to rid the body of cancer. I find my reactions to things stronger but, thankfully, the reactions are not often, but they are a little too often for me. It just goes with it, and I continue to try and find the gift in that. I think one of the gifts in this is the opportunity to have heightened awareness.

Despite after effects of chemo, my friends all look to see the very best in me, and when I know my reactions and/or judgments have been too strong or more than I would like, and when I know it's not that easy to see the best in me, they continue, completely overlooking the other. That's a gift I am really grateful to have.

There have been many wonderful stories to share regarding my experience with cancer. Just one of the many involves my friend Steve Brook, or as my mother likes to call him, "the gorgeous man." I smile as I type that as I know it will result in a blush. You've heard me mention Steve before www.stevebrook.com/

I met Steve over at Whole Foods Thursday after work. He is visiting from Spain, and it was our second get-together since his return. Steve and I met through our mutual friend Bliss Wood last year. He was and is interested in all things Native American and Bliss knew we should meet. After about 15 minutes at that first meeting, we were fast friends. It was good to see Steve again Thursday.

Steve learned about my cancer diagnosis after he had already returned to Spain last year. He expressed deep regret for being thousands of miles away and offered that he wished he were nearer so he could help. I assured him that I had more help that I could have ever dreamt of, but still he wished to be here.

When he returned shortly before Christmas, I was just getting out and about again. We finally got to see each other at a friend's songwriter round. It was wonderful to see him!

I learned shortly after this meeting that Steve had done something for me so extraordinarily thoughtful that I couldn't quite believe it. I could try to write about it here in first person, but perhaps it is better to share an excerpt from his letter to me.

"When you told me of your illness back in (was it July) I felt so bad for you that I wanted to do something, but what could I do thousands of miles away? Pray? Well yes I did that, but strangely enough I wanted to do something more active than just words and positive thoughts, I wanted to create a positive action somehow. Then I got to thinking ... It is my belief that there is no such thing as empty space and that the space between all objects and people is actually filled with energy flows, almost as if we are all swimming around in a tub of energy. Therefore whatever is thrown into that tub will eventually float round and soak us all, in other words whatever we put in will eventually come back to us. So then I concluded that in a way, the air I breathe out is the air you breathe in. Now I know that when fighting the illness you were fighting one thing of importance is to keep the imune system as healthy as possible and nicotene, alcohol and cafeine are things that harm the imune system.

And so I decided to give up coffee.

I decided that I would forsake something I enjoyed daily as a kind of creative offering of a postive gesture out into the universe i.e. injection of a postive gesture and energy into that universal bath tub, hoping that it would add a speck of positivity into the flow so that YOU would receive some of that amassed positivity when and where you needed it.

So I have not touched a drop of coffee since you announced the diagnosis back in the summer.

. . . I decided that the next time I drank a coffe I would be seated next to you in person with me telling you this crazy little story and you telling me you are cured! Well my dear friend tonight I guess was that moment ... I do know you are cured and we have met, so I guess my circle is complete ... all that remains is that I taste some coffee again ... but maybe if you give me permission to do so it might make me feel more like it's time.

Well ... I had to take a moment to absorb such a beautiful gift. After I soaked in that love, I wrote Steve back and told him that I thought it would be fine to now have that cup of Joe. The next time I saw Steve, last Thursday, he gave me a gift, which I took a picture of the gift to share with you.

There are gifts in everything, things that seem the most impossible, things you think might overwhelm you, kill you. They are there if you look for them. We find what we are looking for.

I'm not sure what I've done to deserve such wonderful acts of love, but whatever it was, I'm glad I did it. Thank you, Steve. I love you, my dear, dear friend.

Give yourself a gift. Even Starbucks agrees: "Do something good every day." It may deeply touch someone, and you may never know that it did.

Adorning Your Spirit; Ryan's Well

2009-01-07T16:58:00.015-06:00

Every morning we all wake up and ready ourselves for the world. We get ready for work, or get ready to go out somewhere, or, really, do everything that we can to make ourselves more "presentable." We practice some type of physical adornment. We take great care to be clean, to wear clothes we feel good in, and if you are a woman, you probably wear some form of cosmetics. A lot of men and women wear cologne. All these things we do to make ourselves more attractive to others.

I wonder what would happen if we took as much time, thought, and care to making our spirits more attractive each day. What would happen if we forgot about spending so much time adorning our physical bodies and, instead, adorned our spirit? It's an interesting thought.

Being the up-front/out-there gal that I am, I have been extraordinarily up front about the fact that I now have a colostomy and the thoughts and feelings that went along with that when it first happened to me. I want to let others know who will walk this path that they are not alone in their thoughts, feelings, and struggles in this regard. You do get past it and over time you do start to minimize all those awful feelings you experience. You realize that's not who you are.

At first, the very idea of a colostomy horrified me. I felt it would change my entire life .. change who I am, how I relate to people, and my entire way of being, socially and otherwise. With a little time and patience, though, and the care of beloved friends, I am back to my pragmatic self, and know those initial thoughts are not true. Now that I am used to it, I can tell you it's not a big deal. What a surprise that was to me. This is a surprise I like. How I define myself and others is always my choice. I believe that true beauty is when we take the focus off ourselves and make life better for others.

One of my favorite true stories is about Ryan Hreljac.

When Ryan Hreljac was in the first grade, his teacher told his class that people were dying because they didn't have clean water to drink. Ryan set out to raise money for those who didn't have clean drinking water. For 4 months he did chores and odd jobs and eventually earned the first $70 which turned into a well at a school in Uganda. That well, to this day, serves thousands of people. Ryan was seven years old.

Ryan's $70 turned into a foundation that has grown to a total contribution of 461 wells in 16 countries, bringing clean water and sanitary conditions to over half a million people. The foundation has to date raised millions of dollars. You can read more about Ryan here: http://www.ryanswell.ca/

I believe that Ryan adorned his spirit. And, when he did this, he made the world better for others. He was completely selfless, and I have a hunch that when those half million people were drinking clean water they did not once wonder about Ryan's hairstyle or attire. In the end, those things were not important. Ryan stepped out of himself and any self-involvement he might have, and focused on the needs of others. That's truly beautiful.

When I look at Ryan and others like him, it inspires me to be a better human, to look not at myself or my own self perceptions, or even dwell on any disability I may perceive I have. Remember, Ryan did all this when he was 7 years old. His heart led him to work on something that has grown into something unspeakably beautiful.

When I teach meditation techniques to others, one exercise we practice is "No Head" meditation. I ask each participant to see themselves removing their head, sitting it gingerly beside them on the floor, and to focus on their heart. To actually give eyes and ears to their heart. To feel instead of see. When we see, it is much easier for the ego to take over. When we feel, that's real. Anyone can practice this.

So, tomorrow morning, when you get up, instead of focusing on the traditional ways of getting ready, look to your spirit. Will you fluff up your mood so that those around you are happier? Will you let your heart do the thinking about ways you can make life happier, easier for someone else? Or, will you feel to do something nice, anonymously ... for someone else? Will you let your heart lead you?

I will freely admit that I don't always do this, and so this is a good reminder to me, too - to be more beautiful to be around, to be more beautiful in my ways of giving. To take focus off of 'me' and turn it into 'we.'

Tomorrow, be like 7 year old Ryan. Think of ways to be of service to others, knowing that sometimes being of service is as easy as offering a smile to one who needs it.

When you get up in the morning adorn your spirit. Once you do, all the rest of life will fall into place. This, my friends, I can promise you.

It will bring out a beauty in you that you never knew you had. Nothing else matters.

Postscript/Props: Josh, Scott - This one's for both of you, because I witness you both personify the idea of selflessness in different ways, unique to each of you, often. Thanks for the daily example.

A New Year, A Little Levity, Let the Fun Begin

2008-12-31T12:29:00.034-06:00

Well, it's here, New Year's Eve. What a year 2008 has been! I just happen to be in a very good space right now. Let's have a little fun.

I have two whole months before I have to contemplate or even think about more cancer treatment (the Chemo) again. So, now is the time to kick back, enjoy myself, be as silly as I wish (and I often choose to be silly), and spend New Year's Eve as I always spend New Year's Eve ... Yes, that's right, Anderson and I will once again bring in the New Year together. Ahhhhhhhhh.

As faithful viewers are aware, Anderson doesn't get much time off. He often covers stories in foreign countries. Oprah calls on him a lot to do special reports, and sometimes he is even called upon to do a magazine cover or two.

This never stops Anderson, though, from doing his philanthropic work. From saving dogs and cats during his 'off time' in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, to making the public aware of endangered species on the "Planet in Peril" series (below), and much, much more.

Despite his very busy and hectic schedule, I am always able to be there and am always included in his adventures. Life is indeed good!

I invite everyone to join Anderson and me tonight and raise a glass to 2008, bid her a fond farewell, and welcome 2009 with open arms! It may be a challenging year in many respects, but it will be a great year, too.

In 2009 I will be finished with cancer treatment and so will be able to further expand my own philanthropic work, this time to include helping cancer patients face and walk through their own illnesses.

Yes, 2009 has endless possibilities. What will I create this year? What will we all create this year? It is exciting to think about, isn't it? In fact, it may be as exciting as it was for me to create this blog post using all these wonderful photos (that would have to be pretty darned exciting)!

So, a Happy and Healthy New Year to All! I will think of you all tonight as I bring in the new year with Anderson. You know, I just love spending time with him ... I mean - just look at him.

Now, if only I could lose that Kathy Griffin. She's always around on New Year's Eve! Oh well -

I cannot in good faith end this post with a photo of Kathy Griffin. No, I cannot. For ladies everywhere, one more dreamboat photo of Anderson. Please enjoy it - next post is back to the business at hand!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! May 2009 Bring a Cure for Cancer!

I Feel Good About It! Well ... I do! The treats are always in the tricks!

2008-12-30T16:39:00.013-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to see my surgeon for my two week check up. It was nice to head over there, knowing nothing was wrong, and just going to get the "A-OK for now" report. Once there, I kidded around with the nurses, traded some jokes with the interns, and waited for the surgeon to see me. He came in, was his usual charming self, and we, too, traded some laughs.

Now, since we are discussing Cancer (be sure to read that with a good reverb and echo effect), we must quickly become very serious. (Getting serious... getting serious... .............. - OK, I'm ready) ...

He let me know that my radiation wound may never completely heal. (That's the wound that causes me challenges in sitting for long periods of time.) Yes, it could completely heal and probably will, but ... it may never completely heal (reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (It will heal.)

Next, we discussed the final phase of Chemotherapy, and he let me know that the Chemo may be rough and could reopen the wound. If that happened, I would have to start completely over with the healing process. Yes, the Chemo could progress without incident and probably will, but it could reopen the wound (reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (I know it will be OK.)

And, finally, after the eight weeks of Chemo, we keep checking everything for 5 years to make sure there is no recurrence of the cancer. After all that (and if the sky doesn't fall in at any point during this time ... literally) I would be declared completely healed (really good reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (I will be declared completely healed.)

Feeling a little defiant towards the medical gloom and doom dialogue I've come to know so well, I looked deep into his very serious eyes and said ... "I feel good about it"!!!

The photo below will show you a good visual of the look I received back. They really don't know what to do with me. (I like that!)

As I was telling a couple of my friends today, I learned early on that I had to disregard the gloom and doom forecasts from the doctors. They seem to focus intently on the very worst outcomes.... (They should really work on that.) Most of the awful things they told me in the beginning never happened.

Life is all about surprises, and sometimes you are handed tricks and other times you are handed treats. We may say "Trick or Treat"! But, in reality, all we want are the treats ... life isn't always about the treats. It's a balance.

Because you know by now that the last statement will eventually lead to another photo ... my good friend Eric sent me an adorable photo of he and his two daughters, Audrey and Katie, on Halloween this year. When I saw it, I asked if I could use it here, because the truth is, it reminded me that whether you get tricks or treats in life, in the end, it's all good and it's always a surprise. The treats can be found in the tricks ... you have to look for them. They are there!

Thanks Audrey and Katie for the reminder! As far as the cancer and all the rest ... I feel good about it ... Well, I do! (Reverb and echo effect)!

Miracles and Wings

2008-12-16T10:27:00.022-06:00

I return to work on Monday and am quite anxious to do so! I look forward to being back among my friends and returning to a normal work routine. The trick is that I will now have a new normal, and there is really something quite extraordinary about that, if I look at it right.

My co-workers, bosses, and HR department have been nothing short of fantastic to me, and I feel so blessed. In fact, with my new challenges, the HR department has done everything humanly possible to make my return to work as stress free and effortless as possible. Every time I tell my nurses or friends what my office has done to ensure an environment that feels safe to me, I receive looks of amazement, because what they have done is not the norm. I sure do work for a wonderful place.

The other night I watched It's a Wonderful Life again, and I realized that George Bailey represented, at least to me, what I was going through. We move through life, doing our thing, trying to be good people and do our best, and then when something happens to us, we often feel alone. But, we are wrong. When I was first diagnosed with rectal cancer, I spent a good deal of time in shock. It did not seem or feel real. However, on some level I felt the fear and panic that goes along with the medical unknown, and so I walked the balance beam, trying to keep my balance as much as possible. And, I prayed a lot.

Just like George Bailey, when I experienced trouble in my life, I was shocked to learn I had so many friends ... friends I didn't even know I had ... friends who showed up from the other side of the United States, who I never met before, friends who came running and circled the wagons around me, protecting me, praying for me, and supporting me. What a beautiful surprise to experience.

In this season of miracles, and out of respect for what I consider a miracle of healing in my own life, I want to share a poem I wrote about 14 years ago. Way back then, I knew someone who was in trouble, and they were on my heart. I prayed for them for one year, night and day, and I was blessed to witness a miracle of healing. In this time of honoring our Creator, my family, and my friends, and also keeping in mind the medical challenges my sweet sister is dealing with right now, I think it would be good to remember that miracles do indeed happen:

"When I gaze upon the handiwork of our Lord, I cannot fully comprehend the wonder of His work; it is far too majestic. But when my soul beckons me still, and my heart suddenly fills with the wonder of God's love, I know it is real; I know what God has done, for it is in those still moments that the memory of the miracle God gave me comes to rest in my heart. It is in the moments of silent prayer and meditation that the feelings flow deep within my soul, and I can once again feel the rapture that coursed through me when God blessed me with an answered prayer.

For where there once loomed death, there is now a pink, healthy face. And as I gaze into his eyes, I can see that they now shine from the light of the Lord, for God is the light that glows from within. The beauty of his soul, which had been hidden there, now shines through the clear, blue windows that are his eyes, and from there glows the grace and warmth of a spiritual light for all to see. Somewhere inside myself stirs the knowledge that God is resting there ... waiting to heal another tattered soul." `Tanya Touchstone, 1994`

Miracles do indeed happen, and I thank Creator for mine, as Creator has allowed me to fly on the wings of an eagle (Hanble Okinyan, I believe you were sent to me from heaven above).

Appreciate each day, each moment, and look for ways to earn your wings. Hint: Look to the Source of All That Is from whom all things are possible, as well as your family and your friends. Among them, you will find your wings.

Big News for Jeff and Freedom (a/k/a Hanble Okinyan)

2008-12-14T12:35:00.011-06:00

I received an email from Jeff Guidry this morning. Those following my cancer journey know that Jeff and Hanble Okinyan have figured very prominently in my recovery. After it's all over, I'm traveling "way" West to meet them both, and I look very forward to that. And, those who know me in general know that "Promotion" is my middle name, and I absolutely could not resist the opportunity to let everyone know the following:

EXCITING NEWS: Jeff has a book projected to be released sometime in late 2010 about his own cancer journey and how Hanble Okinyan helped to save him. As you know, they saved each other, and now they are saving others, one by one.

Please make an effort to let all your friends know about the book! As you may have already guessed, I am going to do everything I can to make CERTAIN that Nashville Cancer Hospitals and Support Groups are COVERED with this book when it becomes available!

Also, you will enjoy visiting Sarvey Wildlife Center where Freedom lives and where Jeff volunteers his time for the wild ones: http://www.sarveywildlife.org/

In this season of giving, it is a delight to share the information about the gift of this upcoming book.

Congratulations Jeff & Hanble Okinyan!!

Rain

2008-12-11T22:30:00.017-06:00

Many thanks to my precious sister, Taryn, and my dearest friends, Dani and Joe for posting in my absence. It is good to be back here ... writing again.

I am in a particularly good place now, but this has not always been so over the past weeks. I've been trying to decide how to step back a few weeks and honestly write about what I was feeling at the time and if I should even go there.

The answer to my own query is, of course, 'yes, you must go there' -- I must honestly tell what I was feeling and how I moved through it. Please do not mistake what I write in the present moment as indicative of how I am feeling now. Others who are now going through or will go through cancer treatment, God bless them, need to know that they are not alone in feeling despair, desperation, and grief.

Let me try to look back: I was doing very, very well after my first hospital stay. I felt good, was recovering in record time, and my attitude was good regarding the major life change of a permanent colostomy. No cheerleader jumps, mind you, but a very good attitude.

Then, in the span of a week, right around my birthday (which I feel is not a coincidence), I started to have pain and then my energy declined and in the end I was in the Emergency Room, in so much pain that I literally prayed to God: "Please, please let me die."

I was admitted to the hospital a second time, and the infection, which I was told beforehand could happen, had me laid pretty low. I cried every night in the hospital, and the prayers for death kept coming from me. Over the course of this second round of treatment, and the ultimate second surgery, I learned from my surgeon that this depressive state is very normal. Depression sets in when a major, major surgery occurs, and it is a part of the body's healing process. I did not know this going in, and it would have been helpful to know.

So, I dealt with an overwhelming depression. People who know me know that I'm not a depressed person. In fact, I'm pretty upbeat all the time. Doctors, friends, and acquaintances encouraged me to take antidepressants. I resisted because I had taken them during my divorce and did not like the effects when I came off of them. Besides, I had learned to meditate since all of that, and it takes the place of pills. Problem was, I couldn't even get myself to meditate.

When everything seemed to be closing in on me, and once returned from the second hospital stay, I had to stay in the bed 24 hours a day. Very difficult for an active person like me. However, I did not want to return for a third visit to the hospital. My veins couldn't take anymore and I couldn't take anymore. It was time to get it together.

I pulled out my trusty book, "No Death, No Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh, knowing it would help to center me and to avoid taking a pill to make my mind feel better. Here is what I read:

"... [I]f you are committed to an idea about truth or to an idea about the conditions necessary for your happiness, be careful. The first Mindfulness Training is about freedom from views: Aware of the suffering created by fanaticism and intolerance, we are determined not to be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory or ideology ... [mindfulness] teachings are guiding means to help us learn to look deeply and to develop our understanding and compassion.... This is a practice to help free us from the tendency to be dogmatic. Our world suffers so much from dogmatic attitudes. The first mindfulness training is important to help us remain free people. Freedom is above all else freedom from our own notions or concepts. If we get caught in our notions and concepts, we can make ourselves suffer and we can also make those we love suffer." [Emphasis added.]
From "No Death, No Fear," by Thich Nhat Hanh, Riverhead Books - 2002

It didn't take much for me to realize that not only was my 'thinking and analyzing' about my situation causing me to suffer, it was also causing my family and friends to suffer. I may be willing to go through some suffering myself, but I would never inflict any self-imposed misery on my family and friends. At least I would not knowingly do this.

So, I requested prayer from my work prayer group, my meditation group, and several other sources. I also contacted a support group for ostomies (thank you, Anne and Anice). I also received letters of support from Rebecca, Jen, Melna, and dear Ginger. These things helped, and turning my mind into an ally instead of an enemy also helped. No pill can take the place of constructive self action.

Finally, I cried. I don't mean the crying I described at the hospital. I'm talking full-on sobbing, and I did sob for a long time. I never cried before, not once. No tears when I was diagnosed. No tears when I was afraid of procedures. No tears during chemo, radiation, surgery, or even the unwanted colostomy. You see, "I had to be strong." Something I imposed upon myself. But, what is strength, really?

What would happen if the mighty Oak tree or the frailest flower had to be so strong that it could never receive the rain that would cause its growth?

I now realize that my tears were the rain my body and spirit so desperately needed during a time when I was going through so very much. Once the tears flowed, I was able to water my own new seeds so that they could grow. My tears were the rain I needed for my own growth.

This is an honest account of what I was feeling only a few short weeks ago. I hope it is useful information for someone else. I also hope that whomever reads this sees that those low feelings are impermanent. Everything is impermanent. There is a comfort in that knowledge.

Let yours tears be rain.

"Every blade of grass has its angel
that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'"
~The Talmud~

Seven Spiritual Laws --as told by Joe Johnston

2008-12-04T15:25:00.010-06:00

In the Lakota way, we're taught that we should live by seven main spiritual laws or values.

The first law is to walk quietly. Walk humbly. Be gentle with everyone and everything on earth. Some people like to feel big and in control. But really we're not in control. We're created small and weak, so our Creator can fill us with power. We have nothing, do nothing, are nothing, without the gift of life.

The second law is to be respectful of everything in creation. We're all created by the same God, and the same holy spirit dwells within us. The very thing we waste or throw away may be the most important thing to someone else. And of course respect has to start with ourselves, respecting our bodies, minds, emotions, and feelings.

The third law is to be helpful, or generous, which are really the same thing. Whatever we have is not ours alone, but is a gift to be shared through us. One person may have money, and another not. One may be strong, one may be smart, and one may be a good cook. Whatever we have, it's something we all need.

The fourth law is to be compassionate. Everybody has a story. Everybody has their pain and joy. And when we see someone, we don't know what their story is, or the reasons for the way they act. We're in no position to judge.

The fifth law is to have a good attitude. This may be the most important value for our children, because the way we act is the way they'll act. So we don't have a good attitude only when life goes the way we think it should. We're to have a good attitude no matter what life brings our way.

The sixth law is to be forgiving. Everybody has been done wrong. We all have reasons to be mad and resentful. But that only shortens our own life. It's like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies. When we forgive, it sets everyone free. And we have to start by forgiving ourselves.

And the seventh law is to be pray and be thankful. Our lives are abundant. Not because we have this or that thing we want, but simply because we have life. If we're truly thankful, then the other laws will fall into place.

Different teachers may talk about these values a little differently, or call one or two by a different name. And there are many values in Lakota culture, including self control, courage, and patience, among other things. Personally, I enjoy hearing the seven laws in this way I've told them here. I find this list to be fully Christian, and compatible with many other faith walks. It's is the best prescription I've found for happy, peaceful day-to-day living.

Joe J

Footsteps in the journey

2008-12-04T10:16:00.008-06:00

As a woman (and I'm sure some men) we tend to be caregivers. We want to be there for a loved one, or a friend, when they're in trouble. But sometimes the best thing to do is sit back and allow the person to go through what they are going through without any kind of help. The help actually becomes a hindrance. It can be a delicate balance at times. I knew that would be the case with Tanya, when I first learned of the cancer.

I knew right from the start about the "proverbial stiff upper lip" that Taryn is talking about. So when I first heard the news, one of the first things out of my mouth was, 'you're not gonna sit there and go through this yourself, you have to allow people to help you.' I knew that would be tough for Tanya, but I have been so proud of the help that she has so willingly embraced along the process. Because of that, I've tried to be mindful of the times that she has asked not to be called/e-mailed/texted. But I tell you, as being a loved one, which makes this journey mine as well, it has been very hard sometimes to sit back and wait patiently. Allowing the healing to happen, only hearing about her being through a person or two, here or there. It's tough. But like I said, it's a delicate balance and I know it's what is best for her at this time. The positive to it, though, is that I have gotten to know Tanya's sister better, whom, as anyone reading these posts can see, is an amazingly talented writer like her sister.

Love you Tanya.

Love, Dani

The Struggle of Recouperating

2008-12-03T20:48:00.006-06:00

It never fails. Each time I speak to Tanya and ask the question, "How are you feeling?" I can expect the same reply, "I'm doing better!" or "I'm doing ok." She never says, "I feel lousy today" or "I'm in alot of pain."

It's a long standing unspoken tradition in our family to keep the proverbial stiff upper lip when going through illness, a bad time etc. And, Tanya has perfected it. So, she is trying to focus on each day as it comes. My mother has really been there for her as she has alot of experience with bad health. She knows it inside and out and back again.

So, instead of 'grinning and bearing it and wishing away the pain", Tanya said she is going to make a conscious effort to recoup and experience each moment as it happens. Thanks to all her friends and concerned co-workers.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Update on Tanya and Turkey Day

2008-11-25T19:14:00.008-06:00

Thanks to all of you checking in to see how Tanya is doing. As most of you are aware, when she had her original surgery, it became infected and well, they had to do a portion of it over again as I explained in my last post.

The home health nurse has been checking in and making sure all is well this go around. The infection is slowly leaving which is making Tanya uncomfortable. Poor thing, the pain was excruciating for her. So, she is doing her best to rest as comfortably as possible, which is nearly impossible due to her limited positions and that she has to lie in bed - no sitting up or walking around.

I wasn't able to be there with her in the hospital when they redid a portion of the surgery, but if I had...I probably would have done the Shirley MacLaine thing asking for her to get a pain shot.

She's a better person than I, that's for sure. I talked to her this evening and she is doing okay at the moment and is just trying to just "hang in there."

If Tanya were writing this post, I'm sure she would want to wish all her friends and family a blessed Thanksgiving. When you have dinner with you and yours, try having each person saying what they are most thankful for...you might just be surprised. And, while you are reflecting upon your thankfulness, do me a favor? Say a quick prayer for Tanya so that she can recoup quickly from this.

A final note for Turkey Day: My Mom and I would like to thank Tanya's friends for truly coming to the rescue for us. Elizabeth, you'll get a gold star in heaven for all that you have done....it's truly appreciated. Bliss, Anniece, Mark, Melna and all the other friends that I may have neglected to thank formally on here....you ALL have been so supportive and accommodating. Your compassion and character is unbelievable.

I'm thankful for alot of things and people, but I felt a special shout out to the above was in order. I'm grateful you could carry on where my Mom and I couldn't. I'm terribly thankful.

What are YOU thankful for?

Latest latest Update - TAKE TWO

2008-11-20T19:54:00.007-06:00

Okay, here is the latest news:
Tanya is beginning to rest comfortably in Chez Vandy. The punter came by tonight and said that she would get a mini-surgery in the morning and they would keep her until Saturday. Then, she will have to "start over" in the recovering stages. At least now their won't be infection and she can recoup normally.

TOUCHDOWN!

Another beautiful mountaintop

2008-11-05T21:21:00.008-06:00

November 5, 2008

I forgot to introduce myself in the previous post, but my name is Dani Carroll and I consider Tanya to be my closest friend. She's like the older version of me, we like to joke about that. Even though Tanya is home now, she is still healing, still resting from her painful surgery. It has been so great that people have been able to go grocery shopping for her (and her mom, love mom) and prepare much needed meals that neither of them have the strength at this time to make. No onions, no mushrooms, no spinach or lettuce (I am thinking... if I had to omit those foods, I might starve). Only thing allowed is mush, like casseroles, stews. Mush. What a weird word.

I got a call from Tanya today, sounding much better than the previous day. She told me how in amazement she was...still. You see, we spent most of the evening texting yesterday as we watched the polls come in on election day. We were watching history together. No matter what ideology or political party you believe, this was truly a day to appreciate in America. One that hits me, and Tanya, and her mother at the bottom of our hearts. That it doesn't matter what color your skin is, we are all equal. God must have been smiling on America yesterday. Tanya recalls something Dr. Martin Luther King once said, "I've been to the mountaintop...."

Mountains can be beautiful

2008-11-02T18:28:00.005-06:00

Oh my! What a ride. I think anyone who has walked through this journey with Tanya has been inspired by the inner strength she has portrayed. I know that I have been truly inspired. Tanya was one of those people whom I named as one of my living heroes in one my own biggest personal tests last year. She has taken that now to a whole new level. What a phenomenal woman.

I just got off the phone with her, a conversation I highly anticipated, since I was not able to be at her side during one of the biggest challenges of her life (for those who don't know me, I live between Nashville and Reno). I knew immediately that the conversation would be short, as I could hear the need for recovery in her voice. So I am to let you all know that she went home yesterday and is doing her best to work through her healing. She is tired, in a lot of pain, but using that "phenomenal woman" strength to push through this mountain. Almost there. Almost there.

You Like Me! You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

2008-10-31T15:35:00.008-05:00

I spoke with Tanya a short time ago and she requested to have me read the comments that YOU left her on the blog. (True to my word, I let her know there were nice get well messages).You like me, You like me! You really like me!

So, I read them to her and she was so appreciative and grateful for all the good wishes and prayers that everyone is showering upon her. She asked that I convey to all that are reading this blog that she feels very blessed to have such wonderful friends who care about her. Her room is literally filled with beautiful bouquets of flowers! So from Tanya through me, "Thank you all so much!"

UPDATE: She continues to rest and she MAY be going home tomorrow. Of course, everything is last minute and iffy on that. The punter from the NE Patriots (her Dr) has visited her a few times and is keeping an eye on things. But, I tell you, I think he kicked the proverbial ball right through the goal posts during her surgery.

Thanks again for your concern and well wishes - TRULY appreciated.

Til Next Time - Lil Sis

Update, Oprah and a punter from the New England Patriots - From Lil' Sis

2008-10-29T10:59:00.011-05:00

Hello,

I am one of the people that Tanya asked to update her blog while she is recovering from surgery.

Just to give you a brief background on me, I'm a freelance ghostwriter and have known Tanya all my life. :) We met when she was about 4 years old and have been tight ever since.

I wanted to report that her surgery lasted longer than the doctor anticipated, which proved to me that her doctor took the utmost care in performing his duty. She went into surgery at 11:45 am, and came out at around 5:54pm. She had her group of friends (or as I am going to refer to them as her "soul soldiers") wait with me and my partner.

After talking with her doctor (who used to be a punter with the New England Patriots), he happily advised that everything looked great and the chemo and radiation did their job. He will be checking the reports tomorrow (today) to verify this. So, as it stands as of this moment, it appears that the cancer is gone. If anyone can overcome it, that would be my sister, Tanya.

She came out of surgery and the minute she saw me, she wanted to know time, details and other pertinent items related to her surgery. Typical Tanya! However, in the last several years, I've noticed that while Tanya is one to cling to facts...she is also giving equal time if not more time to trusting the unknown and allowing herself to be vulnerable in the world's mysteries.

Once she was transported to he room, I leaned over and whispered to her in my best Oprah imitation, "Good Neeewwws!" and told her the positive outcome. She smiled and repeated it back. She seemed to already know somehow that things went well.

This quote remined me of her "inner knowing". I guess great minds think alike.

"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge." Albert Einstein

Till next time - Taryn

Lowampi

2008-10-25T14:01:00.017-05:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have been involved with the Native American people in this area for some time. I was going through some transitions about 5 years ago and looking for new experiences, unfamiliar experiences. Since I was a small child, I have been fascinated with the Native people and their culture. It was a natural marriage for me to become involved with them at that time in my life.

It began at the Four Corners Fall Pow Wow. I started a conversation with two Native people and an immediate bond was formed. The friendships grew and, over time, more and more Native people came into my life. I not only made new friends, but I was also exposed to the Cherokee and Lakota cultures in ways most white people never experience. Native weddings, sweat lodges, socials, spirituality, music, and what they call medicine (teachings, such as animal medicine and nature medicine).

One such ceremony happened a few years ago, when I was invited to attend a Lakota Lowampi ceremony, which is an ancient ceremony to call in Spirit. Few get to experience a ceremony like this, and I wasn't going to miss it.

We gathered together, about 50 of us, at Bottom View Farm in Portland, Tennessee. A sweat lodge sat on this farm land for a long time, and it was where the Lowampi ceremony would take place.

Lowampi literally means Lakota Indian Medicine, a ceremony during which Spirit instructs the healer about the remedies that would heal the sick person. The ceremony is performed with the support of the sick person's extended family. Several people with illnesses had come for prayers to the Lodge, and this ceremony was to be a part of that.

When guests arrived, everyone was greeted as family. A sweat lodge ensued to cleanse and purify. Then, at about 10pm, or maybe even a little later, in the middle of the woods, everyone gathered in the covered area where the community meals were typically shared. All openings were sealed shut and there were kerosene lanterns hanging in various areas. I can tell you that it gets very dark out in the middle of the woods.

The people gathered in a circle around a blanket with various objects arranged around it. At each corner of the blanket were rods with forks and colorful cloth hanging from them, representing the four directions. Next, the men placed their drums around the blanket. The Lakota teacher then explained what would take place and the prayers we would offer.

The lanterns were blown out and it was completely dark. You could see nothing. Soon, drumming and rattles could be heard accompanying the singing of the Lakota elder, the facilitator. Throughout the ceremony flashes of light or orbs appeared and then disappeared just as quickly. The mind tried to understand where this was coming from, but rest assured there were no special effects out in the middle of the woods in the crude, familiar room we had been in together many times. Nothing was out of place. I found myself wondering if other people were experiencing the droplets of water coming from nowhere and the flashes of light.

Then, it happened. I saw a light, so bright, that I had to hide my eyes. My mind tried to comprehend this as it was pitch black. The light was coming from behind my shoulders, and I wondered at this because there were other participants sitting directly behind me. I took my hands from my eyes and held them in front of me, still trying to comprehend this immense light. I couldn't see my hands in front of me, but I still had to cover my eyes because it was so bright.

When the ceremony concluded, the lanterns were relit and people started asking each other about their experiences. It seems that several of us had the experience with the bright light, and it was still confounding my reasoning.

My surgery is Tuesday morning. I've been thinking about that Lowampi ceremony all week. And I've especially been remembering it since I wrote the post previous to this one. I've even awakened this week several times, realizing that I was dreaming about the ceremony and hearing the drums and the singing. It felt as if I were there again.

In the last post I wrote about drawing the light from the darkness, and I knew at that time that I would next be writing about the Lowampi ceremony. I believe that what I experienced that night was God, the Light in the darkness, and everyone else who experienced it felt the same way. To me, this is the Great Spirit, Wankan Tankan, or Creator, whatever name you choose to call God, reassuring me, reminding me that there is indeed a Light in the darkness and that it is bigger than me or my reasoning.

When Creator moves, reasoning and the five senses do not apply. If I have a colostomy, I will view it as a birth mark, knowing that I am reborn, to a new way of being, and it will be good.

When we are born, we come out of the darkness, into the Light, into life.

So it is.

Pilamaya ye, Wankan Tankan (Lakota for: Thank you, God)
**In the coming weeks my guest bloggers will be writing. I know you will enjoy what they have to offer. See you soon. Wish me luck. Wopila! (Many thanks!)

Buzzard

2008-10-19T16:06:00.019-05:00

Today was a beautiful day, a gift from the Creator, in which a group of friends gathered together and blessed me with a Lakota Healing Ceremony and prayer circle. Some people were from my meditation group, A Circle of Friends, one was from The Nashville Zen Center, and some were good friends from the Indian community.

My good friend Joe (left) and my good friend Lisa (right) facilitated the healing circle, and they both did a beautiful job. Joe made prayer ties for me before the ceremony, along with others who need healing right now. Lisa offered her own special brand of healing, and it is always beautiful to experience. Joe and Lisa both are always there for me, no matter what.

My dear friend Carole (right) also made prayer ties before the ceremony that were the color yellow, representing the East and new beginnings. Carole has lots of medical challenges right now in her own family and I so appreciate her doing this for me. She is my sister, and has been for some time. Carole and I met at the Lakota Sweat Lodge (Inipi) formerly held at Bottom View Farm. We've known each other for several years, and I have learned a lot from her about Indian ways, teachings, and spirituality. She has been a wonderful friend to me, and very supportive when I need anything, no matter what she may have going on.

The circle began with Joe teaching everyone how to make prayer ties, and everyone made their own, placing their prayers within them. I've explained how prayer ties are made in an earlier post. You can read about it here: http://thegiftofcancer.blogspot.com/2008/06/very-special-day-lakota-prayer-healing.html

After we finished placing our prayers in the prayer ties, they were attached one by one to a string, and then we sat in circle where all the prayer ties were placed around and on me. Joe began with a prayer to Creator, giving thanks for healing that has already taken place and for healing before surgery. He included all others who need healing right now, too. He then presented me with a beautiful buzzard feather, explaining that buzzard is the recycler, letting nothing go to waste, using everything. Joe went on to say that it is perfectly okay to ask Creator for a perfect and complete healing so that we can continue God's work at our highest energy level. While we were praying, and each time Joe asked for specific kinds of healing, we all noticed that a dog barked in the background at the exact appropriate time. Joe explained that this was representative of undying loyalty, my loyalty to the group of friends gathered, their loyalty to me, and God's unwavering loyalty. A few chill bumps were raised. The Indian people teach us to listen to animals and nature, especially during prayers, for answers and acknowledgments come from everywhere.

After we offered prayers and sat in silence together for a while, I thanked everyone for their prayers, and explained that no matter what happens that I would do what I could to help others. It is a pledge.

We then gathered up the prayer ties and went outside. Joe made a fire, Elizabeth helped, and we stood in circle as I dropped all the prayer ties into the fire. In Indian teaching, this represents the prayers rising to heaven, and is a beautiful part of the ceremony. We all stood together quietly and watched the smoke rise.

I want to thank Maribeth and David for offering their home for this gathering, Joe and Lisa for facilitating, Carole for the prayer ties, and Eric, Bob, Maribeth, Elizabeth, Linda, Virginia, and Kate for their attendance and support, but most of all, for their prayers. I know Dani, Larry, Peggy, and Susan were sending good thoughts from afar. I felt much more peaceful this afternoon when I left. Oh, yes - we also shared a wonderful pot luck together, Indian style, after the circle.

When I got home, I placed the feather in a very special place in my office so I could look at it every day, but something tells me it will be moved until it finds its home. Just about one week to go until surgery.

I am hoisted by the prayers of my friends. I am grateful. I am ready.

Separating the Light from the Dark; The Canvass of Life

2008-10-16T17:47:00.012-05:00

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”. — Michelangelo

Several years ago I watched and very much enjoyed an HBO documentary series about early artists who later became very famous, though most of them did not live to see their fame! In watching this series, a concept included in one of them became very interesting to me, and I have never forgotten it.

The old artist told his young apprentice that if she wanted to be a great artist she must first learn to see the light within the dark. He gave the apprentice a piece of black soapstone and then instructed her to see the image within the darkness and then bring the light up through the dark, and allow the image to emerge– basically, creating the image in reverse.

While preparing to write this blog, I thought about how fortunate I am to call several talented artists ‘friend,’ and so I asked a couple of them if I could use their artwork for this entry, not only to offer something appealing for you to gaze upon, but also to illustrate life … as a blank canvass.

Marjie, one of my best friends in the world, is extremely talented, with many artistic bones in her body! That's Marjie over there to the right in the Catskills. This past Christmas, Dani, Bliss, Marjie and I gathered together and exchanged gifts. We loved the special thought and care of each gift we received, but we all felt a special thrill when Marjie blessed each of us with a framed print of her original artwork. Marjie has paintings hanging in New York City, Prague, and a host of other places, but the piece of hers I have always loved the most is a portrait of a young girl who looks very Russian to me. It is very different from Marjie’s other paintings, so while the image is a portrait, it is unexpected. "The Russian," as I call her, is sitting in my office, on my desk, and I love her.

When I asked my friend Will Berry (over there to your right) if I could use one of his paintings for this, he was kind to bless me with Separate the Morning, a painting he created as a way to work through his mother's death. He told me he would never sell the painting, but he did donate it to the Austin Museum of Art to help them raise money. I know first-hand that this was the perfect way to honor his mother, a woman I liked very much. She was a giver, and this particular type of philanthropy would have made her very happy. A perfect symbolism. Separate the Morning is now in a private collection in Texas. Will lives and works in Mexico City and has paintings hanging all over the United States and beyond. I absolutely adore his work. In this particular situation, he definitely pulled the light from the darkness he was experiencing with his mother's passing.

I have other friends who are wonderful artists: Elizabeth Wise, Lisa Ernst, Joe Johnston, Lain York, Anice Rouse ... lots of artist friends, and I love all their work. Seeing their work and knowing them as friends has taught me something about art and how it relates to life.

I have surgery coming up very soon. It will be major. They will be checking to make certain all the cancer is gone. Part of this procedure, as readers know by now, may include a permanent colostomy.

In coming to terms with this, I am attempting to see a blank canvass before me. I have an easel, a palette, a variety of paint in a range of hues, and my imagination knows no limit. What will I create? How will I create this? Will I choose bright or subdued colors? Will I make bold, broad strokes, or will I choose finer, feathery strokes. Will what I create be expected or unexpected? It is completely up to me.

Life is like this as well. Those with cancer, or any illness or life challenge, must learn to take the black soapstone in hand, look deeply into the darkness, and see the light that will emerge and bring the image forth, having faith that the light is indeed there. Sometimes the image that emerges is expected, sometimes it is unexpected, but each most definitely holds the gift of light and a beauty all its own.

If you look for it, you will see it. But, you must look for it. The light cannot exist without the darkness. Let there be Light.

"The life that is calling you has no fear in it. Whether you create that life or not is for you to decide. You do not have to choose harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life in your daily struggles, but they are required if you want your new life. You do not have to listen to the wisdom and compassion that are now coming into your consciousness, but you won't be able to create your new life if you don't. Which will you choose - your new life or your fears?" ~Gary Zukav~

What's Good About This?; Balance

2008-10-09T19:22:00.007-05:00

That's one of my best friends to your left and at the end, Bliss Wood, or as I call her, Blissy. Bliss and I have been great friends for several years now, and I've learned a lot from her. One of the things she has taught me is that when I find myself in what seems like a challenging situation to always stop and ask, "What's good about this?"

After I posted the blog entry last night I found that I felt a huge weight off of me, just getting my feelings out was a huge relief. So, today, I was able to ask myself, "What's good about this?" I found the list was quite long. For one, and I often use this as a gauge to check where I really am when I think I'm in a bad situation ... "I'm not permanently paralyzed from the neck down," and "I can walk and breathe," and "I've got a great job, great bosses, tremendous friends and there are lonely, homeless people in the world." These are just a few of the things we often take for granted, our health and our good fortune. But, most of all, what's really good about this is that the cancer is gone and there is a remedy for my situation. That's huge. It wasn't always the case. People have died. I'm able to live and function. Everything has happened so fast that I haven't quite absorbed it all.

Another thing that's really good about this is that I know who my friends are, I know how much I am loved and cared for, and ... most of all ... my friends and family don't choose to have me in their life based on how my body functions. Can you imagine choosing a friend based on how their body functions? I have to say I think that's a pretty funny concept.

Possible friendship questionnaire:

Do your bowels work well? Check.

Do you drool? Check.

Can you walk -- with your legs? Check.

I'm being silly now. At least I have a sense of humor! It may be an odd sense of humor, but it's mine, and I'm keeping it. Anyone remember Monty Python's Twit Olympics? Now that was great comedy and on point!

So many in the world go through so much more than I could ever comprehend or imagine, and they make it and often have a great attitude about it. I have my friends, my family, and I have love and care (special thanks from today to Jennifer, Rebecca, Ginger, Eric, Bob, and Phil). What's good about this? Everything.

I can't close this blog entry without mentioning Bliss' fabulous new CD, "Chant Dance." I haven't heard the finished cut yet, but I did hear the rough cut and it is wonderful! The CD is now finished and ready. I am so proud of her.

Want a copy all your own? Visit here: http://chantdance.webnode.com/

Thanks, Blissy, for reminding me to ask "What's good about this?" There's so much that's good about it that I can't list it all here.

One of the really good things about this is finding my own balance, spiritually and physically. It's all good. It's what life is about: Balance.

Faith

2008-10-08T17:28:00.007-05:00

I've been away from the blog for about a week now. Several have given me loving nudges today to post. Fact is, there is nothing new to report at this time. And, truthfully, I've been running the gamut of emotions over the past week, with the emotions finally colliding into each other over the weekend. I usually hide these things pretty well, but some may have noticed. I hope not.

Now that things are better, I believe that my head has stopped spinning so much, and my emotions are catching up with all that has taken place, so very quickly. It's much like going through a divorce - these strange emotions surface, out of the blue, at the oddest times, and you don't understand where they are coming from. You learn later that it's your emotions dealing with things as they are ready and able. A roller coaster ride that finds even ground given time to do so. In the meantime, it can be quite a ride, with lots of unexpected dips and curves. In the end, though, the balance comes and you are able to look around to see where you are, still standing, still living.

My intellectual self grasps what is happening and knows the right tools to use to deal with it. My emotional self, which is a part of the human package, isn't merging well with the intellectual at this time. The fact is, I'm feeling very sad right now. I do feel good about the way I've handled everything and it is good to know that I didn't fall apart because of a cancer diagnosis. That makes me happy. However, now that things have gotten better, I believe my emotions are playing catch-up. I'm also still struggling with the concept of a permanent colostomy. Why? I don't know. It's strange for me to feel this way - I typically take everything head on. But, not right now... My usual pragmatic self is hard to find at this time.

I went to a festival this weekend wherein meditation practice was discussed. I was reminded that it is indeed okay to not be in a good place and that the not so good place would pass, as it is impermanent. Good to have that reminder. Feelings serve a purpose. If I am a faithful practitioner, I notice the way I'm feeling and then let it go, knowing it is a part of the process. And, I am doing this. However, it is a strange place to be in and, again, not the way I usually react to things. When I was young I was emotional, and as I grew, I stopped being that way. Perhaps the child within is surfacing.

With all of that said, today was a much better day. I enjoyed my co-workers and had some laughs with my bosses. I adore each of them in very different ways. They tend to always make me laugh, and I'm lucky to have this kind of working relationship with them.

As well, my 50th birthday is right around the corner. I will be recovering from surgery when it takes place. Before I had the cancer diagnosis, I had spent the better part of the year planning how I would say good-bye to my 40s and usher in my 50s, gratefully ushering in my 50s, I might add. The 40s were tough, and I had many tough life experiences. I also had some wonderfully rich experiences that are memories I cherish and hold dear. Maybe I will celebrate my birthday early, relive the past 10 years over a glass of wine, and then let them go. The 50s are going to be great. I'm more settled now and comfortable with myself and who I have become. It's a relief, really, to be 50. The pressure is off! I laugh as I write that last statement. It's really the way I feel.

I know, intellectually as well as emotionally, that in the end it is all about faith. Creator has carried me this far, and I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm still trying to grasp the miracle that I've experienced. I am so lucky, truly. Life did not turn out the way I planned or intended in many respects, but in other ways it has turned out far better than I could have ever imagined for myself. Therein lies the lesson, again, letting go of expectations. Even though I am not settled regarding a permanent colostomy, my friend Anne told me, "Don't write the script. You don't know what is going to happen." A truth. Anne McCarthy has been a real mentor to me. I appreciate the wisdom she has shared with me over the years. In many ways they have molded me and gotten me through some tougher times. She has been right every time, and has given me the benefit of her experience. That has been a real gift. She has nurtured me when I needed it and given me 'what for' when I required it. I appreciate you, Anne.

It's all about faith and where Creator takes me and what Creator has in store for me. The things and experiences yet unknown. I'm going to stop writing the script and see what happens ... take my hands off the steering wheel. There is a Divine plan, and I must walk faithfully toward it.

So, I'm getting back in line for the roller coaster ... Dips and curves? Yes. Frightening moments? Certainly. Life? Definitely.

I feel better now getting my thoughts down.

It is all about faith, one step at a time, into unknown territory. It's all going to work out, and I will catch up with myself. Faith.

Releasing Attachment to Views; The Path of Least Resistance

2008-10-01T16:34:00.009-05:00

"Busy as a bee." How often have you heard someone say that? This saying reminds me of our minds and how busy they can become.

I was chatting with a friend recently who shared with me some of the challenges they are facing right now. As I listened, I remembered that the mind is always thinking and creating, and we become attached to the view we are creating at that time.

In Zen Meditation Practice we are taught to empty our minds and to release attachment to views, as this is what causes our suffering. This is easier said than done because our habits become an energy. But, with practice, it definitely works. We can make a new habit energy. All we have to do is recognize it and then stop. This is a part of Mindfulness practice.

We can use the mind as an ally or we can choose to have the mind act as our enemy. We can choose to respond differently, in each moment.

Case in point: As I've traveled down the path of cancer, I've learned, or maybe it is better to say I've remembered, that after I've gone through whatever I've had to go through, I realize that my mind conjured up the worst case scenarios beforehand, and that made it harder to go through whatever it was I had to go through. If I remember to let go, flow, and as one friend of mine says, "drop the rope," and release attachments to my ideas about things, such as a colostomy, then I can relax more with the process and be completely open to a new and better perception. Another friend advises "Let it all fall down." It will be 'what is,' so don't struggle against it.

When we attach to a certain view, and what we attach to is always our choice, it causes unnecessary suffering. Fact is, everything is impermanent, including our views. The practice of impermanence is an important practice to have.

The next time you find yourself attached to a certain view and going into the Western mode of trying to 'fix' something or trying to 'control' something to make it fit your view, you are going to suffer. Take a moment and notice how this feels. Then, practice releasing your attachment to that view, whatever it is. Make a different choice, which is always your option, and see how everything before you changes. Now, notice how that feels.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Marjie reminded me of this when we had left the surgeon's office Monday evening. We had a great and talented surgeon explaining to us about a colostomy and how it works. The fear I had conjured in my mind about colostomy had been overwhelming. I spent a lot of time imagining how awful it would be and how much it would change my life. Fact is, again, I was attached to a certain view, and that view was incorrect. While going through the exam that afternoon, I said a little prayer as I always do. I started to say, "Please don't let me have to go through 'that,'" but I caught myself and changed it. Instead, I said, "Whatever I need to do to have my life work better, please help that happen, and I will be grateful for it. Thank you." I felt an immediate release from the attachment to the negative view, I quit resisting, and in an instant it became a positive.

This is true of everything.

I thank Marjie for reminding me of that Monday afternoon. She repeated that teaching to me, Elizabeth, and Maribeth, and we all smiled and nodded, appreciating the reminder. Marjie was also reminding herself. This is why it's called practice.

Here's a favorite picture of Marjie, standing in an open field in Iowa. It's a good picture to post here because I like to imagine that Marjie is releasing her attachment to her views. Try it - this picture shows how freeing and wonderful that can be!

As you stroll down the path of least resistance, water the seeds of non-attachment and see what grows. Take all the garbage you create in your mind and turn it into fertilizer, and behold the wonder of the garden you create. I can do it, and you can, too.

Beautiful!

A Quick Update; Anything is Possible!

2008-09-29T18:56:00.010-05:00

Good evening to everyone! I chose the relaxing picture to your left as it's very peaceful, and that's how I'm feeling now that the office visit is over.

Tonight's blog post will be brief, as I just got home from the hospital and it's near 7pm. Have dinner to get ready and lots of other things!

Accordingly, here's a very brief overview of what happened, with more to follow probably Thursday evening.

Good news

The big, bad, (black) tumor is outta here! My surgeon (who I now adore) told me the recovery I've had is nothing short of remarkable, and that's the very adjective he used. I like that adjective! I went through the exam pain free and even watched on the screen this time while the procedure took place.

My surgery will be October 28, a Tuesday, and will last approximately 4.5 hours. I will be in the hospital for about 5 days.

Once he's working on me in surgery, he will better be able to tell what he can do for me as far as keeping everything in place, which he will do everything in his power to do that. If he can't keep everything in place, then he will proceed with the invasive surgery (and I learned that if I must have invasive surgery that it's not be a big deal at all -- I can't believe now how big a deal I thought it might be - there we go with 'thinking' again).

Bliss was not able to make it today due to an illness, so Marjie, Elizabeth, and Maribeth were there for her and for me. It was wonderful to have all of them there! I'm feeling very loved right now, and I am so grateful. Bliss, I sure hope you are feeling better soon.

Bad News

There is none! Have a wonderful evening and week, and I plan to see you back here probably Thursday evening.

Thanks to all for their love and prayers. Could be that by the time the surgery is here the ulceration will have lessened, considerably. It's possible. The surgeon said so. In fact, I've learned first-hand that anything is possible.

Peace.

Scan Results: The Cancer is Gone from the Lymph Nodes

2008-09-28T07:30:00.021-05:00

I received my scan results early this morning. It appears the cancer is gone from my lymph nodes....

From the report: "Findings are suggestive of response to therapy. Additionally, there were small mesorectal lymph nodes which are no longer apparent on today's examination."

I am not medically trained to read this report, but with further research and in conferring with friends who are knowledgeable in such things, the general consensus is that since the lymph nodes are no longer visible, this means they no longer have cancer in them or they're not fighting anything right now, so to speak. I'm told this is a very good sign. Also, the stranding (inflammation, best I can tell) is decreased in the affected area when compared to the previous examination.

Before I become too excited, I will hear what my surgeon has to offer tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.

My Oncologist told me at my last visit with her that even if the cancer disappeared completely that I would still have surgery to treat and make absolutely certain everything is as it should be, and this would still be followed up with 8 weeks of intensive chemo. However, I'm hopeful that this will change the complexity of the surgery and also that it might mean less drastic measures with regard to a colostomy.

As my friend Joe offered some time ago, "Look for Creator's hand in your situation. It's there." No matter what tomorrow's visit may bring, I am faithful that our Creator has this situation in hand. So, right now, in the present moment, this wonderful moment, I embrace my fears and move through them beautifully, knowing I will come out on the other side of it, free from it and the power it can hold. I will report more once I know more. In the meantime I ride again on the wings of the Eagle.

I am free.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing In.

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

In, Out.

Present moment, Wonderful moment.

"And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle,

that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place,

where she is nourished for a time,

and times,

and half a time,

from the face of [fear]."

Mirrors; Right View; Precious Teachers; Interrelationship

2008-09-27T09:29:00.023-05:00

I received a "learning again" today on right view, wrong view and perception through an email conversation. No matter what is taking place in our lives, even if we are ill, even with something like cancer, life's lessons continue on. It is good to pay attention.

Everyone knows that I teach and attempt to practice good meditation practice, Mindfulness Meditation. This in no way means that someone called teacher has mastered a life subject, it just means they have found something they think worthy and want to share it with others. This is why it is called a practice -- we practice to incorporate these practices into our own lives throughout our lives.

One of the teachings of Mindfulness Meditation Practice is Right View:

"Aware of suffering created by attachment to views and wrong perceptions, I am determined to avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. I will learn and practise non-attachment from views in order to be open to others’ insights and experiences. I am aware that the knowledge I presently possess is not changeless, absolute truth. Truth is found in life and I will observe life within and around me in every moment, ready to learn throughout my life."

I learned a long time ago that every thing and every one in our lives is a mirror. What bothers us about something or someone can also be found in ourselves.

The Native Americans teach that we are all related, all connected in the great web called life. In the Native American Lakota language Mitakuye Oyasin (Mee-tah-koo-yay O-yah-seen) means "We are all related." **The Cherokee say we are all related this way: Gusdi Idadadvhni (Gus-tee Ee-da-da-duh-nee), or Ea Nigada Qusdi Idadadvhn (Ah-nee-gah-dee Use-tee Ee-da-da-duh-nee), meaning "All My Relations In Creation." Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves, all things connect, all things touch. If you look further, you will find that this is commonly held by most, and I believe all, belief systems.

From the Zen tradition:

"Suffering, unhappiness, violence, and war escalate when we are overcome with anger and try to punish and inflict suffering on the other side. We act this way because we believe that as a result we will suffer less, but of course this action only leads to the other side desiring revenge. This is the surest course of destruction."

While we may be walking our own path, occasionally meeting up with suffering along the way, ... well, the people we come into contact with are walking their own path, occasionally meeting up with suffering along the way. This is a reflection, and the reflection is there for us to learn from, not only about compassion towards the other person, but to look more deeply at how to offer compassion to ourselves. The Mirror. Nature can also teach us these things -- don't miss the Mirror Lake photo at the beginning of this post. Messages for us are everywhere.

There is a teaching that when we are in conflict with someone we should regard that person as our Precious Teacher, for there is a lesson to learn about ourselves from the one who causes our discontent. Again, we are all related, we inter-are. We are a long chain, and the chain reacts in full circle.

From the East:

Interrelationship

You are me, and I am you.

Isn't it obvious that we "inter-are"?

You cultivate the flower in yourself,

so that I will be beautiful ...

I support you; you support me.

I am in this world to offer you peace;

you are in this world to bring me joy."

~Hanh~

From the West:

“Humankind has not woven the web of life.

We are but one thread within it.

Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.

All things are bound together.

All things connect.”

~Chief Seattle~

The world works better if we strive to be mindful, look deeply, and shine a light to see if we are practicing Right View - always attempting to make thoughtful choices, always striving to offer compassion ... to ourselves and to others. Someone once said to watch the words with care, for they have more power than atom bombs. I believe this to be one of the great truths, but we as humans sometimes forget. It is good to always have awareness. I'm still working to do this more consistently.

Gusdi Idadadvhni

Ea Nigada Qusdi Idadadvhn

Mitakuye Oyasin

-We are all related-

**Special thanks to Richard Teesatuskie of the Long Hair Clan, Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians, and Pat Cummins, Nashville, TN, for their help with Cherokee interpretation, spelling, and pronunciation.

Flowing and ... Introductions

2008-09-25T17:22:00.020-05:00

Today was a very good day. Work flowed well and I find my own self flowing well! I continue to wait for contact from one of the doctors about my scan last Friday. A lot of friends have asked about that, but I have nothing official to report. Still, though, I find myself feeling oddly very much at peace and, really, very happy. Monday I go for a meeting with my surgeon to schedule surgery. Elizabeth, Bliss, Maribeth, and Marjie will accompany me. It's all good, and going at its own pace. Good!

In preparing for this next step in the process, I asked several of my friends who I know are great writers to guest blog for me while I'm away from the computer recuperating from surgery. I expect this will happen the first part of October. So today is a good day to introduce the four friends (and one sister!) who agreed to guest blog while I'm away. You will enjoy their writing and some of them will even offer teachings. They will write as they feel like it, and some will write more than others.

Without further hesitation, in alphabetical order (because I couldn't possibly place them in any certain order), your guest bloggers for October: Dani, Joe, and Taryn. Thanks, guys!

Dani is one of my best friends and also a great writer, songwriter, and singer. She has worked with such Nashville greats as David Malloy, producer for Reba McIntyre, Dolly Parton, and Mindy McCready; Mark Collie, a #1 charting country artist and songwriter; John Jarvis, two-time Grammy winning songwriter; and Skip Ewing, a Grammy nominated country artist and songwriter with over twelve #1's to his credit. She performed often with Elektra recording artist Jason Mraz. Making the move to Nashville in 2002 and inking a deal with Famous Music Publishing, Dani continues to write songs with some of Music Row's top talent. She is also a black belt, to boot, with her photo featured in the September 2007 edition of "Black Belt Magazine"! Dani and I met several years ago at a meditation group, and we quickly became the best of friends.

Joe is my buddy and my friend. I like to call him my Happy Meal guy (he helped invent McDonald’s Happy Meal, no kidding). From there, Joe moved to the Dove Awards, Grammy nominations, and hit records. His songs were featured in the ABC hit comedy "Hope & Faith." Joe has so many accomplishments that it could take up several blogs without any problem. I know Joe, though, as a teacher of the Native traditions and spiritual ways, having first met him several years ago at a local Native American Lakota Sweat Lodge in Portland, TN, where he was named the spiritual advisor to the Inipi, or sweat lodge family. His ancestors include three Native American women who married American pioneers. He spoke earlier this year at the Gandhi-King conference in Memphis. Joe's latest book is “Jesus Would Recycle.” I recommend it.

Taryn is my friend and also happens to be my sister. She is a published freelance ghostwriter with numerous novels, screenplays, blogs, and a recent book award to her credit. Taryn is also a classically trained musician. She performed with the Beaumont and Lake Charles Symphony Orchestras where featured artists included Doc Severinson and other musical luminaries. She was accepted to the University of Texas at Arlington's college level percussion camp when she was 12 years old and auditioned at the famed Juilliard School in New York City at the age of 17. She holds a Bachelor of Music in percussion and counts her musical background as an important stepping stone to her successful writing career. Although she loves music, she discovered that writing was her true passion. Today she has just completed her latest literary effort with her co-writer, Alan Solomon. It is a fiction novel titled “The Mango Tree Café, Loi Kroh Road,” which is garnering rave reviews from readers all over the world. The book was shown at the Beijing, China International Book Fair and is competing for a Pulitzer Prize in the Best Fiction category as well as the best fictional novel hosted by USABookNews.com. She is about to have her fictional thriller, "Glittering Secrets" converted to an independent film with Fast Track Productions. Her other screenplay, "Conversations with Pearl" garnered attention from the Project Greenlight critics and was featured at the Southern Festival of Books in 2002.

Acupunture, Dr. Sheng, Montel Williams, Shirley MacLaine Moments, and Good Energy Flow!

2008-09-21T07:43:00.015-05:00

Faithful readers of this blog will recall that when I went to visit my new primary care physician, Dr. Mehta, he told me acupuncture would be great for stress on the body as I go through cancer treatments. Being one who loves acupuncture, I readily agree to pursue this weekly until my surgery.

He suggests a Dr. Sheng, a doctor of Chinese medicine and herbalist officed in the Berry Hill area. http://www.southerndesign.com/drsheng/Index.html Of note, the hospital I go to is currently studying Dr. Sheng because of her amazing cure rate among their cancer patients for whom my hospital could do nothing more!

Since Dr. Sheng is also an herbalist, and since my Oncologist told me "no herbs of any kind while working with chemo," I called my regular acupuncturist instead, Dr. Lamberth, whom I adore. Dr. Lamberth and I had a nice chat when I called, and he was very sympathetic to my cause; however, he was not going to be available Friday. So, I asked him for suggestions - he tells me Dr. Sheng in Berry Hill. Well, I'm just not ready to see Dr. Sheng yet ... can't explore herbs right now, etc. So............

I e-mailed some friends and receive other suggestions (which suggestions included Dr. Sheng). I called all of the suggested practitioners minus Dr. Sheng, but nothing available Friday afternoon. When asked who these practitioners might recommend ... Dr. Sheng. This is getting weird. I start to wonder at this point if I am destined to meet with Dr. Sheng Friday afternoon. With nowhere else to go, I dial her up. (I should explain that I try to be considerate of the time I take off from work, since it is frequent at times. Friday worked best for everyone's schedule, so ... that is something I tried to stick to.)

The nice receptionist told me Dr. Sheng has 3 openings left ... for the year. "When did you want to come in, she asks?" I tell her and guess what? One of those openings is Friday afternoon ... due to a cancellation that morning. (Oh.) As I say in the title, I'm starting to feel a little like Shirley MacLaine!

I arrive Friday afternoon at The Lotus Center. You walk through the door and immediately feel more relaxed - soft meditative music, incense - ahhhhhhh. I fill out paperwork and await my turn.

A Chinese woman, all of about 4 feet tall, enters the room. Her personality is 10 feet tall. We go into her office and she asks me a few questions. I am asked to remove my shoes and she takes both my wrists in her small hands. She proceeds to tell me, simply by being quiet and feeling/listening to my pulse for some time, what my symptoms are and have been and what that might tell about where I am in the cancer process. I am amazed.

Next I am asked to lay on her massage table, face down. She proceeds to place about 100-150 needles in the back of my neck, down my back, and in my legs and feet. For those who are squeamish, you can't feel a thing. She puts soft music on and leaves me in the room for about 45 minutes. As I lay there, I begin to feel a tremendous heat on the back side of my body. It disappears as quickly as it appeared. Next I feel something shooting down my feet. Again, this disappears quickly.

In what seemed like minutes, she returns, removes the needles and starts massaging the places down my neck and back that had me crying out before the needles were inserted. Now, I feel nothing but relaxation - all the tenseness is completely gone. Amazing! When I rise up from the table, I feel like a warm, limp rubber band. I notice that even my walking is different and more loose. Dr. Sheng and I chatted for a moment and I thank her for helping me. We make arrangements for me to return.

You may recall that Montel Williams is battling MS. Well, Montel is one of Dr. Sheng's patients. He flies to Nashville for acupuncture treatments with her.

I'm not sure how acupuncture works, but if you ever decide to try it ... you might want to give Dr. Sheng a try. By the way -- Dr. Sheng says I'm going to be just fine. "You have good energy flow and will heal," she said. Glad to hear it!

Give Me Some Water - Eddie Money knew what he was talking about back then!

2008-09-15T11:28:00.008-05:00

I've had some interesting conversations with staff at the hospital while waiting for a variety of medical tests, blood work, etc. The bulk of the conversations are summed up to say this: people are getting cancer because of toxins in our food supply, water, soil, air ... basically in everything we take in. At least this is their take on it based on what they witness. They are around it every single day.

That gives one pause. Now, there are always those who will tell you someone they know has, say ... throat cancer, and they will quickly follow that statement up with a "but they smoked" or a "but they never smoked" which, I must admit, irritates me to no end. That sounds so judgmental ... doesn't it? After all, for a lot of our lives we think we are invincible. A definite part of youth.

We humans do a variety of things to ourselves (yes, you, too) in the course of a lifetime, that doesn't mean one 'deserves' a disease. At least I don't think so. Rest assured, if you are someone who has throat cancer, or any kind of cancer, and who also smoked, I'm still going to pray for you, offer you hope, and wish the very best for you. After all, there are people who get throat cancer who never smoked. There are mysteries in life! But, I digress!

I happened across a very interesting article this morning (see below) which caused me to recall those conversations with the staff members. I have already moved to bottled water and will soon have a purifier installed in my home. Eating organic food, drinking clean water, and all the other little things you can try to do to keep your body healthiest. But, I'm going to tell you, we do the best we can and sometimes it is not enough.

Be mindful and do your best. And, if you were to get, say ... throat cancer, for instance -- maybe it wasn't because you smoked. Maybe the smoking spurred it on, but maybe, just maybe it was because of waste in your water. Maybe it was from the chemicals pouring from the refineries in your hometown, as it definitely poured out in my hometown of Southeast Texas. We just don't know for sure. It's probably best not to judge.

*****

AP IMPACT: Tons of drugs dumped into wastewater
JEFF DONN, MARTHA MENDOZA and JUSTIN PRITCHARD
September 14, 2008 02:18 PM EST

U.S. hospitals and long-term care facilities annually flush millions of pounds of unused pharmaceuticals down the drain, pumping contaminants into America's drinking water, according to an ongoing Associated Press investigation.

These discarded medications are expired, spoiled, over-prescribed or unneeded. Some are simply unused because patients refuse to take them, can't tolerate them or die with nearly full 90-day supplies of multiple prescriptions on their nightstands.

Few of the country's 5,700 hospitals and 45,000 long-term care homes keep data on the pharmaceutical waste they generate. Based on a small sample, though, the AP was able to project an annual national estimate of at least 250 million pounds of pharmaceuticals and contaminated packaging, with no way to separate out the drug volume.

One thing is clear: The massive amount of pharmaceuticals being flushed by the health services industry is aggravating an emerging problem documented by a series of AP investigative stories _ the commonplace presence of minute concentrations of pharmaceuticals in the nation's drinking water supplies, affecting at least 46 million Americans.

Researchers are finding evidence that even extremely diluted concentrations of pharmaceutical residues harm fish, frogs and other aquatic species in the wild. Also, researchers report that human cells fail to grow normally in the laboratory when exposed to trace concentrations of certain drugs.

The original AP series in March prompted federal and local legislative hearings, brought about calls for mandatory testing and disclosure, and led officials in more than two dozen additional metropolitan areas to analyze their drinking water.

And while most pharmaceutical waste is unmetabolized medicine that is flushed into sewers and waterways through human excretion, the AP examined institutional drug disposal and its dangers because unused drugs add another substantial dimension to the problem.

"Obviously, we're flushing them _ which is not ideal," acknowledges Mary Ludlow at White Oak Pharmacy, a Spartanburg, S.C., firm that serves 15 nursing homes and assisted-living residences in the Carolinas.

Such facilities, along with hospitals and hospices, pose distinct challenges because they handle large quantities of powerful and toxic drugs _ often more powerful and more toxic than the medications people use at home. Tests of sewage from several hospitals in Paris and Oslo uncovered hormones, antibiotics, heart and skin medicines and pain relievers.

Hospital waste is particularly laden with both germs and antibiotics, says microbiologist Thomas Schwartz at Karlsruhe Research Center in Germany.

The mix is a scary one.

In tests of wastewater retrieved near other European hospitals and one in Davis County, Utah, scientists were able to link drug dumping to virulent antibiotic-resistant germs and genetic mutations that may promote cancers, according to scientific studies reviewed by the AP.
Researchers have focused on cell-poisoning anticancer drugs and fluoroquinolone class antibiotics, like anthrax fighter ciprofloxacin.

At the University of Rouen Medical Center in France, 31 of 38 wastewater samples showed the ability to mutate genes. A Swiss study of hospital wastewater suggested that fluoroquinolone antibiotics also can disfigure bacterial DNA, raising the question of whether such drug concoctions can heighten the risk of cancer in humans.

Pharmacist Boris Jolibois, one of the French researchers at Compiegne Medical Center, believes hospitals should act quickly, even before the effects are well understood. "Something should be done now," he said. "It's just common sense."

Some contaminated packaging and drug waste are incinerated; more is sent to landfills. But it is believed that most unused pharmaceuticals from health care facilities are dumped down sinks or toilets, usually without violating state or federal regulations.

The Environmental Protection Agency told assembled water experts last year that it believes nursing homes and other long-term care facilities use sewer systems to dispose of most of their unused drugs. A water utility surveyed 45 long-term care facilities in 2006 and calculated that two-thirds of their unused drugs were scrapped this way, according to the National Association of Clean Water Agencies.

An internal EPA memo last year included pharmaceuticals on a list of "major pollutants of concern" at health care businesses. Still, few medical centers keep comprehensive records of drugs they cast down toilets or into landfills. When data are kept, drugs and tainted packaging are combined in the same totals.

In an attempt to quantify the problem, the AP examined records in Minnesota, where state regulators have pushed hospital administrators to keep closer track than elsewhere. Fourteen facilities were surveyed, in a range of settings from rural to urban. The AP projected those annual totals onto the national patient population for hospitals and adjusted for the relatively lower pharmaceutical use of Minnesotans. Since long-term care facilities generate more drug waste than hospitals, the AP conservatively doubled the number.

That calculation produced an estimate of at least 250 million pounds of annual drug waste from hospitals and long-term care centers, further complicated by the fact experts say drugs might account for only up to half of pharmaceutical waste, while the rest is packaging.

The AP estimate excludes many other sources of health industry drug waste, from doctors' to veterinary offices. Smaller medical offices typically dispose of expired samples and unwanted drugs like ordinary consumers _ with little forethought.

Alan Davidner, president of Vestara of Irvine, Calif., which sells systems to manage drug waste, says his limited sampling suggests the health care industry's contribution could even be higher.
Plus, untold amounts of pills and tablets are being thrown away each year at federal and state correctional institutions.

At a state prison in Oak Park Heights, Minn., nurse Linda Peterson says the hospital unit serving inmates statewide has been throwing away up to 12,000 pills a year. She says some heart medicines and antibiotics are simply chucked into the trash. Tightly regulated narcotics susceptible to abuse go down the toilet.

"We flush it and flush it and flush it _ until we can't see any more pills," she says.

She notes the presence of nursing homes, a hospital and another prison in the same area. "So what are all these facilities doing, if we're throwing away about 700 to 1,000 pills a month?"
The EPA is considering whether to impose the first national standard for how much drug waste may be released into waterways by the medical services industry, but Ben Grumbles, the EPA's top water administrator, says a decision won't be made until next year, at the earliest.

So far, regulators have done little more than politely ask the medical care industry to stop pouring drugs into the wastewater system. "Treating the toilet as a trash can isn't a good option," says Grumbles.

Some think it's time to do more than ask. "It's strange that we have rules about the oil from your car; you're not allowed to simply flush it down the sewer," says U.S. Rep. Tim Murphy, R-Pa. "So why do we let these drugs, without any kind of regulation, continue to be flushed away in the water supply?"

Landfills are one alternative. At least they don't empty directly, and immediately, into waterways like some sewage.

Marjorie E. Powell, a lawyer for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, says landfills are "more environmentally friendly," while EPA spokeswoman Roxanne Smith contends that landfilling of hazardous pharmaceutical waste "poses little threat to the public."
Still, Grumbles acknowledges that landfills, while safer, are not a permanent solution. That's because pharmaceuticals can eventually reach waterways from landfills through leaks or intentional releases of treated seepage known as leachate.

An agency staffer wrote in a memo last year: "EPA recognizes that residuals in the leachate could contaminate groundwater supplies and ultimately reach water treatment plants, but disposal into the trash is currently considered a BMP" _ or best management practice.

Already, researchers have detected trace concentrations of drugs _ including the pain reliever ibuprofen and seizure medicine carbamazepine _ in seepage or groundwater near landfills.

Environmental professionals outside government are reaching a consensus that incinerators are the best disposal method.

"That's the best practice for today because we don't really know what the hell to do with the stuff," says industrial engineer Laura Brannen, an executive at Waste Management Healthcare Solutions, of Houston. She says burning destroys more drug waste than all other methods, though some contaminants may escape in smoke and ash.

On a recent day at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis, Mary Kuch was getting ready to squirt leftovers from a syringe of hydromorphone, a powerful morphine derivative, into a sink. When she started out in nursing 18 years ago, "I took it for granted, because I was a young nurse, and that's what other nurses did," she says. "But I did find it strange."

These days, only four gallons _ drugs with high potential for abuse _ go down the hospital's drains each year. Nearly all leftover medicine and contaminated packaging are instead tossed into black bins and rolled to a hospital storage room crammed with scores of 55-gallon drums.
There, waste-company employee Bryant Sears _ dressed in a Teflon suit, rubber gloves and goggles _ conducts a sorting operation. Pills, blister packs and liquid medicines collected in vials, along with syringes and IV bags, are separated out according to differing disposal standards and methods. Occasionally, he glances at a wall-sized placard with details on which drug goes where _ hazardous waste in one barrel, nonhazardous in another. A roll of "hazardous waste" stickers hangs from a pole on the wall.

Sears points to some epinephrine, a heart drug, saying, "Now that it's past its expiration date, it's waste."

These leftovers and discards ultimately will be incinerated.

EPA's Smith says even municipal burners unapproved for hazardous waste "will destroy all but a minute fraction" of organic compounds _ the kind found in pharmaceuticals.

But Stephen DiZio, a manager with the California Department of Toxic Substances Control, says not so fast. "I don't think we're encouraging incineration of anything. The public outcry would be so great."

The push for incineration hides an irony. Several decades ago, drug waste was routinely chucked into the trash and burned in hospital or city incinerators.

Then came a national campaign against air pollution. Most hospitals shut down their burners, and city incinerator managers became pickier about what they'd accept. With options restricted, hospitals began shipping more drug waste to landfills _ and dumping more into toilets and sinks.
A few choices are expanding. Some states have passed laws to make it easier to contribute unused drugs to charity pharmacies that supply low-income patients.

Also, a small share of unused drugs is shipped back to manufacturers for credit _ and incineration, waste consultants say. But the drugs are supposed to be sent back in original packaging _ sometimes impractical because the packaging is discarded or damaged.
Several long-term care residences want to deploy automatic drug-dispensing machines that suppliers would refill often to reduce waste.

While not yet practical, there are several experimental technologies, such as destroying trace drugs with an electrical arc, microwaves, or caustic chemicals.

Increasingly, some bureaucrats and health professionals are suggesting that drug makers help pay costs of managing drug waste. But the pharmaceutical industry says there's insufficient evidence of environmental harm to warrant the expense.

But impatience is mounting. Even the EPA has begun to take such suggestions seriously. Grumbles says drug makers "should do more for product stewardship and meds retrieval now." He says it would be unwise to wait for all the proof.

For now, many health facilities, especially small ones, are put off by the cost of proper handling. Drugs deemed hazardous by the EPA _ about 5 percent of the market _ might cost up to $2 a pound to incinerate in a certified hazardous waste incinerator, says Vestara's Davidner. A pound might cost 35 cents to burn in a regular trash incinerator.

Tom Clark, an executive at the American Society of Consultant Pharmacists, wonders: "When you can flush it down the toilet for free, why would you want to pay _ unless there's some significant penalties?"
___
The AP National Investigative Team can be reached at investigate (at) ap.org

East Meets West; The Best in Health Care

2008-09-13T16:41:00.012-05:00

This past week was quite challenging. It was my last free week before beginning the dance with health care again, a very busy work week, and my Mom is battling MS symptoms, causing her to fall and feel really bad. Not good that it's happening, but it's happening at a good time, meaning in between my being down and unable to help much. Everything is a dance, a balance. It always works out. She'll be back up again. It's just the way MS operates.

Friday I had an appointment with a new Internist, Dr. Mehta. My previous physician is officed in Hendersonville, and is not convenient given all the doctor appointments I have right now, plus, I've been looking for someone who could help me walk the mine field, merging the Western view of medicine with the Eastern view of medicine. It has happened.

Dr. Mehta is from the East and is highly involved with the Western doctors at my hospital. He is highly respected in his field, and whenever I mention his name to doctors, even at my hospital, I always hear an endorsement that is uncommon! In fact, he helps to train some of the hospital's interns.

We went over a variety of things that had been left hanging by the hospital doctors, and he was kind enough to go into great detail and even offered me his email address if I had further questions as I travel further into the health care vortex.

It was very comforting when he told me that my surgeon is one of the best in the world. Not the state, but the world. Not in the region, but ... in the world! He also told me that the other doctors on my team are highly accredited and that I could trust each of them implicitly. This was a great relief given I have some major surgery coming up and was feeling a little lost. Dr. Mehta explained to me that the doctors don't mean to be uncaring or insensitive, it's just that they are very busy and so it is what it is. 'What is' -- something I understand and can deal with.

This Wednesday I go for a scan to see what my insides look like after the first part of treatment. If all clear, then I proceed to surgery. I feel more comfortable now, and even though I don't look forward to starting up this process again, it will help to have more understanding.

Friday I will go for acupuncture with Dr. Lamberth, who I love, as Dr. Mehta explained it will greatly help me with the stress of treatment. He suggested that I go for stress acupuncture treatment weekly until surgery.

Also of interest, my hospital is studying a Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist officed in Berry Hill. She has had great success in treating and even curing people with cancer. He said the hospital may one day have an acupuncture and herbal remedies section, and that he would welcome that.

I have always been interested in meditation, yoga, Chinese herbal remedies, etc. I was raised around these things, and I believe in them. I also believe in the science of Western medicine. As Dr. Mehta and I agreed yesterday, we look forward to the day when the two meet and merge. Knowledge is power, and a cure ... well, who really cares what part of the world it comes from? Let's just have a cure.

In talking with Dr. Mehta about everything yesterday, I have some things to share about what was previously posted at this site. These things are his professional opinion, and everyone should research to see if they agree.

I've learned that chemo can affect you mentally in that it can make you emotional and also lower your normal stress level. Makes perfect sense, as it is pure poison. Not only did I learn that little tidbit yesterday, but I also learned that this eventually goes away. Friends had told me to expect this, but when it happened, quite frankly, I forgot. The reminder yesterday was helpful. I did experience emotions this week when I didn't have need to be emotional, and I did experience stress at high levels when I would not normally have done so. I hope this will help others who experience the same.

There are other things I learned: first, wheat grass is not something he recommends. The specialized vitamins are something he does believe in, but told me the reason I was told to stop taking them is because they contain Vitamin K, which thins the blood. Oh, ok. He does think that CoQ10 is a great thing to take, as it helps protect against damage to vital organs during radiation and other treatments, but said it contains an ingredient that does not jive with all forms of chemo. Ok. Mega doses of Vitamin C - he doesn't buy it. Mega doses of Vitamin D? Could be very bad. No more than 1,000 mg per day, and he said you get that through sunshine and fortified foods, so no need to buy extra unless you are an invalid and never go outside. He is big on fish oil supplements. Very good!

You are getting the picture here. Lots of research and going with what you feel to be right for your own body. Most important, though, is finding a doctor you can trust. I have found a doctor I can trust!

So, basically, if you see me in the hall at work and I don't seem quite like my usual self ... it's the chemo leaving my system. If I seem more stressed than I should ... it's the chemo leaving my system. I guess chemo can be like antibiotics ... not good for you in the traditional sense, but a poison that can heal. I work very hard to have a good and positive attitude, but this chemo ... it kicks me in the arse sometimes.

I'm learning and ready to completely heal.

That's my friend Bliss Wood's book below. Bliss is and always has been one of my biggest cheerleaders. If you need a book on yoga, Bliss is your girl. And, please don't forget to look for and then read the comments at this blog. Sometimes there is great information shared, like that from my now good friend, Nurse Cheryl. Hopefully you find it all here. That's the goal!

Now, my friends, I rest. I have a stack of books waiting for me. I know Nina will be glad she's about to get the one she loaned me back!

"The Sun its Place in Our Heart's Fixed"

2008-09-07T11:01:00.006-05:00

As I was cleaning today, I an across a stack of old papers kept through the years in a basket. I thought, "I'm going to clear that out today." Here's something interesting ... I found something my ex-husband, Bryan, wrote 10 years ago. No kidding. So, since there are no accidents, I will share that with you, now, 10 years later. I think it is timely and pertinent to other blog posts this weekend. As it is said, there are no accidents.

Good comfort for a Sunday afternoon and, really, anytime.

The Sun its Place in Our Heart's Fixed

Through the window rippled rain
Over the hills of spotted clouds
Though alone in the dark expanse of space
When we close our hands in prayer
The sun its place in our heart's fixed.

Night comprised of doubt and dark
Storms of billowing clouds and wind
The sea calms yet beneath the waves
When we close our hands to pray
The sun its place in our heart's fixed.

Candles flicker with the heartbeats of saints
Echoed whispers beseech One who is great
Though glass be made to stain the light
The simple act reveals the right
When we close our hands to pray
The sun its place in our heart's fixed.

~Bryan Touchstone~

Looking Deeply; Creating Happiness; Awareness

2008-09-07T09:01:00.013-05:00

The photo to your right is of John, the son of my friend and boss, Josh, at his most recent birthday party. I chose this picture today because it makes me happy! And, it is also chosen because John knows we make our own magic. We knew that when we were John's age, but as we mature, we forget. John is a beautiful reminder! See Magic Happiness Link at the very bottom of this post!

After blogging yesterday, I met a friend for lunch. We were discussing my blog entry and the unhappiness, for those who experience it, with the doctors at the hospital.

During the conversation, I realized something: The doctors are not the enemy! They are the caregivers. My friend and I decided to use the Eastern practice of Looking Deeply to see if we could see why the doctors may be the way they are. We concluded that, at its root, it is fear. Why fear? Well, if they do not say what will happen, then they may be sued. If they give hope and things don't turn out to our liking, they may be sued. If they think things will go well and then they don't, they may be ... you got it ... sued! No one wants to be sued, involved in, or the subject of a lawsuit. So, the easiest thing to do might be to give the worst case scenario and then when things turn out well ... voila - everyone is happy. But, what happens in the meantime?

The problem with that scenario is that those who need hope the most don't get it because of ... fear. This causes fear in the patient, who really needs to feel hopeful in order to get well. The doctor may protect his or her fear by offering no hope, and so the fear moves and manifests in the one the doctor fears. A domino effect. What affects one affects all .. a basic life truth mentioned in yesterday's blog. The only solution here is for us to have a personal responsibility in handling our own fears responsibly.

I'm going to post here an excerpt from that book I love, "No Death, No Fear" on happiness. It might give those facing deep rooted fear another way of looking at things. When you understand the conditions of the unhappiness or fear in another person, by looking deeply, it helps you to have awareness and then you can stop fear in its tracks.

Be like John, above - banish fear; make your own magic - the magic of happiness, available to us at any time ... if we look deeply through the eyes of love awareness.

Remember, when you change the way you look at things ... well, the things you look at change. That's magic!

Ending Notions of Happiness

Each of us has a notion of how we can be happy. It would be very helpful if we took the time to reconsider our notions of happiness. We could make a list of what we think we need to be happy: "I can only be happy if..." Write down the things you want and the things you do not want. Where did these ideas come from? Is it reality? Or is it only your notion? If you are committed to a particular notion of happiness you do not have much chance to be happy.

Happiness arrives from many directions. If you have a notion that it comes only from one direction, you will miss all of these other opportunities, because you want happiness to come only from the direction you want. You say, "I would rather die than marry anyone but her. I would rather die than lose my job, my reputation. I cannot be happy if I don't get that degree or that promotion or that house." You have put many conditions on your happiness. And then, even if you do have all your conditions met, you still won't be happy. You will just keep creating new conditions for your happiness. You will still want the higher degree, the better job and the more beautiful house ...

[H]appiness can only be possible in the here and now, so go back and examine deeply your notions and ideas of happiness. You may recognize that the conditions of happiness that are already there in your life are enough. Then happiness can be instantly yours.

**Reprinted from No Fear, No Death: Comforting Wisdom for Life, by Thich Nhat Hanh, with permission of Riverhead Books, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc. Copyright © 2002 by Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh is a teacher and poet. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr. and is the author of more than forty books.

MAGIC HAPPINESS LINK:

http://www.maniacworld.com:80/twin-baby-moose-in-sprinkler.html

"Crazy Sexy Cancer," Colostomies, Doctors, and Everything In Between!

2008-09-06T08:43:00.020-05:00

I haven't posted in about a week now. My friends and I have been taking in and attempting to adjust to the passing of our friend Jason. I knew I would be posting this weekend and that Jason would want all of us to continue on - especially in the work of encouraging others with cancer. So, let's begin, for all of us and for Jason.

My friend (and cancer survivor!), Dave McNeill, sent me some information about Kriss Carr, author and filmmaker of "Crazy Sexy Cancer." I am ordering this DVD today, and if you are also walking this path, I would like to suggest you do the same! Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Sexy-Cancer-Rodney-Yee/dp/B000YV1KVI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1220710057&sr=1-1 Kriss is pictured up there in the right-hand corner. A link to a YouTube on this is down at the bottom of this post!

Kriss has faced challenges that I and others visiting with cancer have had to face ... namely, the doctors and the negativity they can sometimes (often) offer. It deeply saddens me when others tell me of their negative experiences, but that just spurs me on to get past all of this and then employ my renegade Tanya ways to take this on and change it ... to help others. It's never just about us - what affects us affects everyone. That's a life fact. Sometimes it is as simple as just making someone aware. Let's hope that's the case here.

Briefly, I was talking to someone just yesterday who has entered the hospital cancer system ... they are facing the same things I have faced with all the negativity, lack of communication, etc. I shared with them what I have learned ... we must face cancer head on, individually, and not react to the attitudes and negative messages of the doctors. It's a big lesson, but one definitely worth learning and paying attention to. After all, no one but our Creator knows when it's our time to go ... the doctors may think they know, but they do not. Always remember that! Nurse Cheryl told me that while drawing my blood one day. So, you have it straight from a nurse! It's a truth.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the past two weeks. I haven't been hooked up to anything and I have had an incredible burst of energy, the likes of which I have not experienced in over 10 years. My GI told me I've had this cancer with me for about 10 years now, so that makes sense. I just thought I was getting old. This is what happens when we think too much (smile).

My friends and I have been doing things together and I've enjoyed receiving photos of fun times before treatment began (see me with Elizabeth and Maribeth below - I love you both). I've been taking the time to have some fun, and I returned this week to facilitating my meditation group. That was a true joy and it was wonderful to see and be with everyone involved with The Circle of Friends.

On September 19 I go for a scan to see how things are in my body. They are a little concerned about my right lung which has some fluid on it from a bad fall in Atlanta several years ago. I am not concerned, and no one should be concerned. It's been like that for a while now, with no changes.

Next, on September 29, I visit with the surgeon, and all my warrior women friends are going with me! Thanks to Elizabeth, Maribeth, Marjie, and Bliss. I will be scheduling surgery that day and we have some things to address with the surgeon.

When I began this blog, I pledged to be open and honest so that I could help others. So, I am pretty up front with the things I am potentially facing. With that said, here goes - one of the things I'm facing is a possible colostomy.

Now, this could be good, could be bad - you will recall the fable I posted earlier in this blog about all that! (http://thegiftofcancer.blogspot.com/2008/06/could-be-good-could-be-bad-promised.html)

Of course, I would prefer to not have a colostomy, but then again, it may be the thing that helps me to live the longest life possible. In that case, it is a gift and I will most certainly get over it and, perhaps, even be grateful! Actually, I already am grateful for anything that helps me, plus I can go to concerts, sporting events, etc. and not have to stand in line at the ladies room. There's always a plus side to everything! haha

I stand ready to discuss with anyone anything and everything having to do with a colostomy. Talking about it openly is how others receive help. I can't tell you how hard it was for some to say rectum. We need to get over that - it's silly! So, there you go and that's just the kind of gal I am.

As I know more, and even if I don't have to have one, I will still post information about it here for those who might have to have one. It's the right and fair thing to do. Besides, as Dave and I discussed previously, I am not cancer, I am not a colostomy, ... I am me. And, it's all ok.

Please watch and enjoy this YouTube about and by Kriss Carr - you will find it helpful and you will also enjoy it. I'm going to jump off of here and enjoy another day out with friends. I can't wait to get into this day! We'll be back into the medical stuff before we know it, so let's have a little fun during this down time!

Make it a beautiful day!

(Bob, someone - please tell me how to post a YouTube!!!)

"Crazy Sexy Cancer" DVD Preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbRM2RAjgh0&feature=related

"No Death, No Fear"

2008-08-31T15:47:00.005-05:00

I've just learned that Jason crossed over this morning.

My immediate thoughts went to Tish. Next I thought of Jason's family and how they must feel to lose a young man just barely into his 30s.

The good news is that Jason's essence will always be with us, so he is not lost to us. We can touch the memories he left with us at any time.

Every time we have a happy memory, every time we laugh thinking of one of his jokes, and each time we remember the nice things he did for us, we can touch Jason and he can touch us.

I won't blog too much about this today. Instead, I will leave you with a wonderful story from one of my favorite books, "No Death, No Fear," which is a meditative and philosophical look at life, death, and all that falls between the two. It's basically about abandoning fears, in general, to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

When I read this book several years ago, I found within the covers a beautiful story that says far better than I can the way to look at death. The ones we love never really leave us, there are there for us at any time.

Enjoy this story by Nobel Peace Prize nominee and Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, who was also one of Martin Luther King's and Thomas Merton's good friends.

Peace, Jason.

from "No Death, No Fear":

"The day my mother died, I wrote in my journal, 'A serious misfortune of my life has arrived.'

I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage. I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died.

When I woke up it was about two in the morning, and I felt very strongly that I had never lost my mother. The impression that my mother was still with me was very clear. I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me.

I opened the door and went outside. The entire hillside was bathed in moonlight. It was a hill covered with tea plants, and my hut was set behind the temple halfway up. Walking slowly in the moonlight through the rows of tea plants, I noticed my mother was still with me. She was the moonlight caressing me as she had done so often, very tenderly, very sweet... wonderful!

Each time my feet touched the earth I knew my mother was there with me. I knew this body was not mine alone but a living continuation of my mother and father and my grandparents and great-grandparents. Of all my ancestors.

These feet that I saw as ‘my’ feet were actually 'our' feet. Together my mother and I were leaving footprints in the damp soil.

From that moment on the idea that I had lost my mother no longer existed. All I had to do was look at the palm of my hand, feel the breeze on my face or the earth under my feet to remember that my mother is always with me, available at any time."

~Thich Nhat Hanh, "No Death, No Fear"~

Faith

2008-08-29T18:06:00.005-05:00

As I write this, my good friend Jason has been placed in Hospice care due to tumors in his brain having metastisized. I have no idea if I spelled that correctly. I don't really want to know how to spell it.

Jason and Tish, both very good friends of mine, have been dating for several years and may as well be married. They are completely in love with each other. It is easy to see in the photo I have provided here.

One thing I have learned in walking with Cancer is that hope is important. When hope is lost, all is lost.

Those who know me well know that I have a pretty reliable sixth sense, and I know that miracles are what come when things seem very bleak and hope-less. Sometimes we have to have the hope in ourselves so that we may share it with those who have lost their own hope.

I saw Jason and Tish at my last radiation visit about a week ago. Jason was just starting with his radiation treatments. It has been tough on him because he has been sick for a very long time now. His voice was very weak and he has lost his hair.

Even though these things are happening and even though Jason's family is gathering to be with him during Hospice care, ... still ... still I have faith he will be ok and rise above this. I feel it in my heart. Never give up on anyone.

Of course, we can always be wrong about these things, but I just have a feeling. I've seen it happen too many times, and recently in my own life.

Faith is what enters when things look darkest. For all those who read this blog who I work with, please keep hope alive. Keep hope alive for Jason. He needs your hope more than anything right now. Tish needs it, too.

He can thank you later ... after this is all over. In the meantime, I thank you, for him, now.

Jason, I see you healed. I see it already done. Faith.

Good Day, Politics, and the Long and Short of It

2008-08-25T16:03:00.006-05:00

This photo was taken last year on vacation in Santa Fe. Oh what a wonderful time that was. I wish I were there now. But, I am not. I am here. That's ok, because ...

Today was a good day! It's one of the most decent days I've had since this all started. The weekend was hard, and I didn't know if I would do well at work today, but I did, and I am so grateful. I think I'm getting back to myself!

As faithful readers of this blog know by now, if it weren't for kind nurses (thanks, Cheryl) and one kind resident, I wouldn't know much of what is going on with me due to lack of communication by the doctors. I had my last treatment last week, Wednesday. The doctor didn't meet with me and so I didn't know what to expect in the coming weeks. Thank goodness for kind friends and, as I already mentioned, hospital staff, who filled me in a little.

Apparently, it is going to take about 2 to 3 weeks to feel somewhat normal again. Being the tough gal that I am, I expect this to happen sooner, as I am already recovering. The numbness in my feet and hands has lessened, but my skin is still cracking and dry on my face and hands. Hopefully by this Friday I can get my hair done. I am very ready for that. I was not able to have hair appointments during treatment for a variety of reasons, the least of which were the symptoms I am dealing with right now, which one of those symptoms relies heavily on the ladies room. That's about as delicate as I can be in trying to truthfully report to others what they might expect from this treatment. Thanks, Taryn, for telling me what your neighbor experienced. Radiation is hard, hard, hard on a body, not to mention the psyche.

This week is a week I relish ... every 4 years. I LOVE politics! Of every kind! I have been heavily involved in political campaigns over the years, and so I was tuned in all weekend. A total political geek! I never go to bed with the television set on ... except for this week! Last night I woke up a couple of times and was able to quickly catch up on any breaking news. Accordingly, I sit here now updating the blog so that I can get my CNN and MSNBC on as soon as possible. Chris Matthews awaits me! I can't wait!

Regardless which side you are for this year, it is an exciting election, with the unexpected happening on all fronts. This political year faithfully represents exactly what I've been experiencing in my own life, the unexpected. This tells me the unexpected can have its gifts ... in any arena.

Another photo I love from last year is one taken at my friend Dani's wedding shower. Susan and I c0-hosted the shower and we had lots of fun taking pictures. The one that follows is one entitled, "The Long and the Short of It." Susan tires of always being the shortest person in a group. Marjie, Dani, and I decided to get on our knees and allow Susan the joy of being the tallest. So, I place this photo here to show that no matter what life hands us, we can still stand tall ... all we need is a little help from our friends, and I most certainly have that!

Beautiful.

The Dance of Joy

2008-08-21T11:16:00.008-05:00

Yesterday was not easy, but it is done. This phase of my treatment is complete. The chemo was unhooked and I had my last radiation treatment. It was wonderful to walk out of there without all of the extra equipment attached to me. The port is still in place, but the rest of it is outta here! Do not take this to mean that I am not grateful for this treatment. While it did impede my movement in several ways, it also helped to save me. Something to consider!

I didn't feel well enough yesterday to answer well wishing e-mails or even to post a blog entry, so I gave into it and rested. Today is much better.

I plan to return to work tomorrow, barring any complications, and I am looking very forward to that. In a week I will return to facilitating my meditation group until time for surgery, and I am really looking forward to that. Meditation practice and philosophy have really served me in this process.

In 5 weeks I will visit the surgeon to schedule surgery. Elizabeth, Bliss, and Marjie will accompany me. I want as many of my spiritual warrior women around me as possible for this visit! The others will be there in spirit.

After surgery I will rest a few weeks and then begin intensive chemo.

I am already feeling so much better, but as friend and fellow cancer survivor Dave said to me in a recent email, "After radiation it does take several weeks for the body to start coming back, so don't expect a sudden burst of energy. Getting better every day in every way is the mantra. Also be aware of possible mental after effects. It can be similar to Post Trauma Syndrome - sudden crying, depression and feeling fearful. Your meditation experience will be a great boon to you. One of the Olympic swimmers has cancer and his mantra is, "I have cancer, it doesn't have me."

Hopefully I will not experience these mental after-effects, but I most definitely agree with and try to live by that mantra. Thanks, Dave!

Another friend said to me this morning, it is time for a dance of joy. Accordingly, I believe the following photo is in order. Some of my best friends - Marjie, Dani (Me), and Bliss, in our best Charley's Angels pose a while back. Who knew, at that time, that I would be using these photos in this way! Keep everything - you never know when you may need it!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I leave you with the "Dance of Joy" (thanks, Melna, for that descriptive!)

Eagle, Turtle Island, and One More Day

2008-08-19T17:56:00.003-05:00

Today, well - actually - this morning was fabulous! I felt like my old self! Then, I went to radiation. I can't begin to describe what that does to me after it's over. Totally depletes energy, feel beat up, and it doesn't make sense to the logical mind; however, it is what is. So, tomorrow will be good again.

The good news is that tomorrow is the last day of this leg of the treatment. I am so looking forward to this and hopefully returning to work on Friday.

Something very interesting happened today, and it involves my old friend Eagle. The photo I have placed here today shows an Eagle feather and a Turtle. The turtle in this picture represents Turtle Island, which is the name the Indians gave to North America. You never knew that, did you?! If you are interested, I will write more on that later.

On the way to radiation, I noticed a billboard with an Eagle. Then, I looked at the car in front of me and the license plate displayed an Eagle. Hmmm. Flipped on the radio and, you guessed it, the Eagles. Drove up to the valet parking and the parking attendant had on a shirt with ... yes ... an Eagle. I was wearing the Eagle shirt Dani gave me a few weeks ago! This is getting interesting. As you know by now, I always pay attention to animals. Which of them cross my path and how many times.

Some have written to let me know that they are highly interested in learning the Native meanings of the animal messengers. This facinated me, too, several years ago when the Native people started teaching me about this. At the end of this post I will attach some information about Eagle and what it means when Eagle appears in your life.

When I left radiation today, I went out to get my car and the guy with the Eagle shirt was there again. While waiting for my car, a woman walked out with an Eagle emblazened across her arm ... a tattoo. I won't go on, you get the picture, but I saw more Eagle symbols on the way home.

Aside from the Native meaning of Eagle, my mind goes back to Jeff Guidry and Freedom the Eagle. You may recall that Jeff had lymphoma all over his body and was not given much hope for survival. After a series of events, namely Freedom coming into his life, he walked in for his last clinic visit and was told the lymphoma was completely gone. Today is my next to last treatment ... get it? I most certainly get it.

I believe this cancer I have had with me is now completely gone. I could be wrong, but I can't feel it anymore, and I shouldn't be feeling this good at this point in the treatment. Miracles defy logic, as you know. So, Eagle, at least in my mind, came to me today to verify my conclusions. Creator was giving me a message through Eagle. If the cancer is not completely gone right now, I believe with every fiber of my being that it will be the case in the end, and Creator is letting me know.

If I have flown above my troubles with this diagnosis, it is completely because of my faith, and all of you have helped my faith to shore up in me, thus my reference to Turtle Island. The support I have received is astounding and a miracle in itself. Gratitude doesn't begin to cover it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
It may sound as if I'm completely finished with treatment. I am not. But, I know in my mind that the rest will be a formality. I'm very excited.

In the past, before I met my Native friends, I never used to notice these things. Notice everything. There are messages everywhere, and they are for you! Creator moves in mysterious ways. And, when you walk, look down. You will be amazed at how many feathers are in your direct path. And, you will notice they are everywhere, you just never noticed before. Notice. It will blow your mind.

The Eagle

The eagle is a sacred messenger, carrying our prayers to the Creator and returning with gifts and visions for the people. Eagle feathers aid medicine people in calling on this connection when they need to contact spirit for healing.

Eagles are majestic birds with a powerful presence. Although they can be social birds they do require isolation from human encroachment to breed in the wild. If a human strays too close or touches their nest, they are likely to abandon it. Both male and female incubate the eggs and share in the duties of raising its young.

The eagle is incredibly patient. Often seen perched in a tree maintaining the same position for hours at a time, eagle teaches how to master the art of patience in every area of their life. Within the energy of patience "all things are possible."

Eagles are good at feeding themselves from the land and still soar to great heights in the sky. They teach us how to move through life without becoming attached to anything. They show us how to accept what comes our way and see everything as a gift from great spirit. They have excellent hearing and can hunt as much by ear as by sight. To those to whom eagle comes, the ability to hear spiritually and psychically will awaken.

Eagles have sharp beaks and strong jaws. They remind us to pay attention to our speech and how it affects others. Our words as well as the tone of our voice should be examined. Eagle asks us to maintain a prayerful connection with Spirit, to keep our minds focused on what is important in life. Maintaining this attitude removes judgment from our consciousness. Without judgment we speak with encouragement and kindness towards others. Lessons associated with judgment are part of this medicine.

Eagles have excellent vision. Perched high in a tree they appear to analyze and observe everything. If Eagle has blessed you with its presence in some way, you are being given potent gifts of clarity and vision to use for the good of all people helping to bring forth the light out of the darkness. Eagle also serves as a reminder to those with this totem to communicate with Great Spirit daily so the gifts Eagle offers you can be utilized fully.

Today is so much better; laughter!

2008-08-18T17:00:00.002-05:00

Don't laugh. Well, actually, do laugh! This photo is only part of my meditation group feeling humorous after one of our sits. I like to think, now, that we are all making faces at this cancer, which is well on its way out.

Today I went for my second to last treatment. Two days to go! Probably should report more, but I'm tired now so I will make this brief. This post is a check-in to let everyone know that I'm feeling so much better.

I hope to place a longer post soon. Thanks to everyone for their support over the last week as I have 'worked' to 'rest' more. That's supposed to make you laugh, too. Working to rest? Well, it does apply to me!

Gratitude and thanksgiving. Big smile. Yes, it doesn't hurt to smile now. Woohoo!

Down Again, the Tumor, that is

2008-08-14T16:46:00.001-05:00

This will be a short post as I'm experiencing symptoms, fatigue, etc., but I had to post the good news. Just got back from the hospital and my tumor has once again shrunk. This week it went from 10.2 to 5.0. This is amazing.

The blood nurses told me that my progress has been nothing short of amazing and that this means the tumor is very, very, very small now. They predict it will be at zero by next Wednesday, which is also the last day of this part of treatment! THAT I can get excited about!

Next Wednesday I will be unhooked from chemo and I will have taken my last radiation treatment, hopefully forever. The effects of radiation will continue for 2-3 weeks, but it could disappear pretty quickly. But, at least I can take a real daily shower. Heaven.

For those who are gathering cancer treatment information from this blog, I have fatigue, soreness in my hands and feet which makes it hard to walk comfortably, joint stiffness, fatigue, trouble eating as it is very painful, and fatigue. I mentioned fatigue 3 times on purpose.

I will return to work either next Thursday or the following Monday. It will depend entirely upon the symptoms. Let's hear it for Thursday.

Again, I appreciate everyone's patience with me not posting much right now as I try to recover and maintain ... all at the same time. I'm almost there, and I'm giving into the opportunity to rest.

I should mention that all of the beautiful nature photos I use at this blog are courtesy of my ex-husband, Bryan. He is a gifted photographer and sends them to me frequently. These last few are from his latest vacation. He also sent me a beautiful framed photo he took of a cardinal. New life, remember? Wonderful, thank you.

The photograph I used above reminds of the visualization I use to get rid of this cancer ... I see it flowing away in a mighty stream. Perfect.

This photo, below, says to me "the promise of next week's results." I believe. Beautiful.

Bear as Messenger: Teaching from the Native Americans

2008-08-11T06:45:00.003-05:00

Well, despite my best intentions and hopes, I am home today.

I said in my last post that I would be using Bear as my totem or inspiration this week.

I've learned a lot about the animal kingdom, the messengers, from my Native friends. Two bear photographs showed up for me this week, and taking the teachings from the Native people, I paid attention. Bear is strength and determination, but Bear is also knowing when to rest. So, today I take that message and heed its advice.
Specifically, this is what Bear has to teach us:

The Bear

There are several types of bear including the Grizzly, Brown, Black, Kodiak and Polar. Bear has played a prominent role in many Native cultures. They are considered to be a highly desired ally and spirit helper because of its fearless power. It is believed that the power of Great spirit lives through this animal. Because of this a constellation was named for it, Ursus Major, The Great Bear. Some tribes prayed for medicine dreams that would show bear to be their guide.

In some traditions bear is the spirit keeper of the West. The place of maturity and good harvest. The gifts that bear offers are strength, introspection and knowledge.

Unlike other animals who are active during a specific time of day, the bear is active both day and night. This symbolizes its connection with solar energy, that of strength and power, and lunar energy, that of intuition. It enhances and teaches how to develop both within themselves.Bear can sometimes be too quick to anger and too sure of it own power. While they have little to fear they can forget caution, which is an important trait to have. If bear is your totem be careful that you don't throw your caution to the wind. Being unaware of your limits in certain settings can be disastrous.

Many years ago while hiking in the woods I was surprised to meet a black bear face to face. As it stood before me the power that the bear held intimidated me. Fears surfaced and I was sure I was going to die. I rose my arms high over my head appearing larger than I was. Because I created an illusion of size and strength my life was spared. The bear watched, dropped down onto all four legs and slowly moved away. Bear taught me the importance of appearance by gathering my inner strength and presenting it outwardly.During the winter bears spend several months sleeping in dens without eating, a condition that resembles hibernation. The more fat their bodies have stored up the deeper the sleep. Bears live on this fat throughout the winter. It teaches us how to go within and find the resources necessary for our personal survival.
The bear holds the teachings of introspection. When it shows up in your life pay attention to how you think, act and interact. Use discernment in all that you do and discriminate with care. Bear teaches you how to make choices from a position of power.

I'm listening and paying attention. Today, I rest. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity.

Strength and Determination

2008-08-10T13:20:00.001-05:00

The blog postings have been scarce the last few days, and I apologize for that. Had a particularly hard Friday afternoon at work and then after that last radiation dose for the week following the hard day at work that afternoon ... pooped, feeling very low in energy right now.

I want to thank Diane Arrington for her help Friday afternoon. The good news I'm focusing on right now is that Mike is doing better, Jason is doing better, and now I'm going to do better. Eight days of radiation to go. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

This next week at work is going to be very hard, but I know with the good thoughts of everyone that I can do it. Lots of rest this weekend, whether I like it or not, I'm giving into it. Hoping for lots of stength and determination to make it through to get to work tomorrow and stay there!

Bear will be my totem or inspiration this week. I can do it. Strength and determination. Thanking everyone who reads this blog and supports me in it. I will do it.

Life ... is good

2008-08-07T17:25:00.001-05:00

The tumor has shrunk again. From 17.4 to 10.2. I just found out.

Thanks to everyone for their continued good thoughts and prayer on my behalf! Dani went with me today. I drove up to the cancer center and there she was, just sitting there waiting - a total surprise.

After my blood was drawn, the blood technicians held hands with me and actually stopped to pray over my tumour marker vial of blood. It was a stunning moment. They have been wonderful to me from the beginning.

Even the chemo doc was in a good and upbeat mood about everything. And, that's highly unusual for her!

Dani and I witnessed all of this joyously. I am beyond happy.

Thank you, thank you. I'm going to get there! I'm grateful to all of you ... more than I can adequately express. If this happens again next week, I'll be near zero. "Wow" is the best I can muster right now ... I'm too joyous for much more.

My heart sings! Not long to go now. Thank you!

That which is to give light must endure burning

2008-08-06T16:19:00.001-05:00

OK, so I lied. After posting this morning I decided I was giving into the tiredness and not feelng that great. Well, we don't do that here! So, I am going to write tonight about a couple of brave friends of mine who inspire me, Mike and Jason, who are going through tough times of their own with illness.

My friend Mike Serna is a Native American flutist. Apache, to be specific.

Mike has been fighting Hepatitis C for some time. He contracted this disease while in the military, serving our country, from a blood transfusion. I was talking to his wife Judy this morning, and we agreed that we are all going to make it through these trying times, together.

My friend Jason Myers works for a copy service my law firm uses which is run by my friends Tom and Kevin. Unfortunately I have no photos of Jason to share here, but Jason is my fellow redhead who has been going through it with a really stubborn cancer he's been struggling with. Despite everything Jason has been going through, Tish, his girlfriend and my good friend, found the time to give me a card of encouragement. She constantly amazes me with her strength. Tish, you are amazing and have been a wonderful friend to me over the years.

Mike, Jason, and I all have one thing in common, and that is the hope of others on our behalf. As you know from reading this blog, I have had more than my fair share of blessings with hopeful messages and support from friends everywhere. It has made all the difference for me in how I walk this walk. Mike and Jason have experienced the same, and there's no way to put it into words how much this means and how much it helps.

They get tired, they get tired of it. I haven't been through a third of what they have been through. Mike and Jason are both my heroes!

My friend Bob told me early on that I would be fried like iron going through this walk with cancer, and he's right. Mike and Jason have been fried like iron as well, and the good news is that I already know we are all going to make it through this with flying colors. I truly believe in the inner strength of my friends.

I'm fighting and I'm determined to stay UP and to rise above what this disease might like to do to me. I write this blog for Mike and Jason to tell them I believe in them! I know we're all going to walk out of this ... together.

When that happens, we can be thankful, feel blessed, and know that we have more friends than we ever hoped to imagine. What a blessing. What a gift.

Mike, Jason - fight!
What is to give light must endure burning. Burn, my friends. Light is just around the corner.

I believe in you.

Taking a Little Rest

2008-08-06T07:00:00.001-05:00

Isn't that a gorgeous Hawaiian beach shot of my friend Dani? I'm placing that photo there as an incentive for my own future energy!

This week has been a little harder, as the toxins of chemo are pulsing through my body and radiation is handing me a little pain to deal with. Together, they are making me very tired! So, I've taken a little break from blogging these last few days. Just a little rest, nothing more!

I promise to send an update on Thursday evening once I get my results back showing what the tumor is doing as far as shrinkage.

Could just be me, but I could swear I felt it totally burn away Tuesday evening! Stay tuned.

I will be back!

Every day miracles ... we don't notice

2008-08-03T08:07:00.001-05:00

I just had the most wonderful bath. It occurred to me as I was pulling the last of the water from my hair that bathing is a miracle. It is a miracle we can perform anytime we wish, yet we don't notice or appreciate it very much.

Since I had the chemo hooked up to me in a permanent IV process (well, 'permanent' for 5 and a half weeks), it became clear to me rather quickly how impeding the chemo bag is. It also became clear to me rather quickly how I can use my mind to not focus on that or give it much consideration. It just 'is,' so ... there it is.

I have dealt with it rather well, if I do say so myself. But, the bigger thing here is that I've noticed some things I never took the time to notice before, like ... bathing is a miracle.

During the week I rise early so I can get to work by 6am so I can skip lunch and leave by 1:30 or 2. This allows me to get my hours in at work while still having time to do the radiation and doctor visit process.

I am only allowed to take full baths on weekends, as the medical team wants little opportunity of getting those bandages wet, and also, from my own view, so I can have the time to maneuver around all the wires. This leaves me with one option during the week: a good old fashioned "spit bath." This also means that when I wash my hair I have to lean over the tub in such a way that hair washing does not drip on the port and get the bandage wet. This is tricky, believe it or not, but works fine. By the end of the week, though, my body is longing for a full soak, and it is glorious when it happens.

Bathing is a miracle. When you take a shower today, or tomorrow if you've already bathed today, be present. Notice the water falling over you. Notice that you can enjoy a full body soak and feel clean and refreshed afterward, without having to worry about anything else, like wires hanging from you.

Being present allows us to notice all the small miracles we ignore every day.

If you don't believe me, just ask the man I met at radiation Friday. The one who cannot enjoy food very much due to losing half his tongue to cancer. However, he is thrilled that he still has that other half of his tongue ... so he can enjoy the miracle of tasting his food.

All the things we don't notice every day are miracles. When you bathe, bathe for everyone. When you eat, eat for everyone. Enjoy all the miracles today. There are there if you notice them.

Be present and make it a happy day. I know I'm going to. Big smile!

Defying Logic; Slowly Doing Away With Negative Thinking

2008-08-01T16:51:00.002-05:00

This photo accurately portrays the look on my radiology doctors' faces today when they saw the results of radiation over the past two weeks, along with my still feeling good and working full time.

I probably don't need to mention that this gave me great delight. Always love disproving negative thinking.

Basically, I got some double takes and then triple takes as they kept asking me over and over again about symptoms they say I 'should' be having. They were shocked, but pleased. My dear radiation doctor has been my friend from the beginning. He is the compassionate doctor, and he was really happy.

So, today a good day and tonight and this weekend I rest. By giving in to rest, I keep feeling better and better.

Today was one more day of radiation behind me and I have 13 days left, because I don't get radiation on weekends. That is less than two weeks, obviously. Good. Although, I must be careful to not talk badly about radiation because it is one of the things helping my tumour to shrink.

Of course, we all know there is a lot more to it than that :) One of the partners at my firm today said it's all a miracle. That, it is.

I've lost a little more than 50% of the tumour in just two weeks, which is really 10 days. My bosses figured that one out - I hadn't thought of it in terms of percentages before.

Wouldn't it really be something if I didn't have to have surgery? One can hope. In the meantime, I am thankful, have lots and lots of gratitude, and a definite healthy dose of Spiritual humility.

I am very lucky.

Good News! Shrinkage is Good!!

2008-07-31T16:59:00.001-05:00

I am happy to report that my tumor, in one week, has shrunk by 8 points!

When I initially went in after my diagnosis, I was at 27.7, the next week I was UP to 33.7 and the following week after that, I went UP again to 37.3. Last week it went down to 25.6 and this week ... drum roll ... DOWN to 17.8!

Twenty days to go and more shrinkage to come. For the Seinfeld fans out there, every time I tell you about shrinkage I think of George Castanza, who was horrified. I can tell you that I am thrilled!

Sorry, I couldn't resist a joke!

Thank you, thank you one and all for your support and prayers. It is all working!!

The sky is clearing.

A Teaching on Expectations and Miracles

2008-07-28T16:30:00.001-05:00

I just returned from my treatment. Today begins week 3. After this week, 2 and a half weeks left. Fantastic!

When I arrived at the office at 6am this morning, I had an email waiting from my friend Joe Johnston. He said something that prompted this blog. His message was excellent, and while it helped me, I know it will help a lot of people. That's the thing about teachers, they are ... helpful!

Joe and I met several years ago at the Native American Lakota sweat lodges that used to be held out at Bottom View Farm in Portland. In fact, many of my closest friends came into my life there, and I'm very grateful for those friends. You may recall that Joe facilitated the Native American portion of the healing circle held for me a little while back at my friend Maribeth's home.

Joe has trained in the Lakota ways, and was named the spiritual advisor to the Inipi (Inipi is a Lakota word meaning spiritual family of the Sweat Lodge). Our friendship has become closer over the last year as we have worked closely together in our Native American activities.

Below is an excerpt from the Joe's email:

"I love your doc's advice that 'it could get worse.' Yeah, well, it could get better, too. How do ya like that? I believe expectations aren't very useful.... Basically, if we don't expect anything, everything is a miracle ... expectations are pre-meditated resentments."

I like that, "pre-meditated resentments." That's a truth. I have written a lot about letting go of expectations. It is a teaching across all spiritual traditions, and as Joe mentioned, it's also a teaching in AA. My meditation group studies this teaching often, as it is difficult to let go of expectations and before we know it we are doing it again.

Everyone, especially those around you, can benefit from your giving that teaching some thought and effort to practice it daily.

I am fortunate to have a wide and varied Circle of Friends (hey, that's the name of my meditation group) ... it is a circle, and they are my friends.

I never expected to have such wonderful people in my life. I'm going to start writing about them more often. Everyone should know such wonderful people. Dani, Elizabeth, Marjie, Maribeth, Susan, Lisa, Anne, Anice, Bob, Ginger, Phil, Jennifer, Virginia, Carole, the Erics, Bliss, Richard, Jeff and Freedom, ... the list goes on and on - I'm not kidding. If your name is not here, it will be eventually. I could quite honestly write pages of names.

I am borrowing this descriptive from another cancer survivor (note my positive attitude here), Sigourney Cheek ... she said her friends were a blanket of comfort. That's wonderful. My friends have been a blanket of comfort to me. They, along with my family, have really stood by me.

Wow, How lucky am I? I really love you all. I just never expected such wonder in my life as all of You. That is most definitely a gift and a miracle.

Randy Pausch Passed Yesterday, "The Last Lecture" -- Please Watch

2008-07-26T10:26:00.002-05:00

Sometime last year someone sent me a YouTube of Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture." I watched it, listened to it, and it make a profound impression on me. Being the promoter I am, I sent it to everyone, and then used it as a teaching for my meditation group. We had planned to have a walking meditation in his honor, and when I'm well enough, we will definitely be doing that.

This weekend I will rest for the upcoming week and more radiation. Almost halfway through it! The progress I'm having is very encouraging.

So, for a rainy Saturday, I leave you with the YouTube of Randy Pauch's "Last Lecture." Take the 10 minutes it takes to watch it.

I promise you, this will change you. Enjoy. Mr. Pausch, thank you.

I don't know how to upload video, so please visit the talk here:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/demo/?review=1#url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!

2008-07-24T17:54:00.001-05:00

MY TUMOR HAS SHRANK SIGNIFICANTLY! JUST GOT THE TEST RESULTS FROM THIS AFTERNOON.

IT IS SMALLER THAN IT WAS WHEN I WENT IN THE FIRST TIME!

I hope you will continue praying for me. Thank you! Thank you!

Yes! Chemo Doc Comes 'Round! Valkyrie! Laaaaa!

2008-07-24T17:18:00.002-05:00

Today was Day 9 of chemo/radiation. I still feel good! Everyone (including me) is shocked! Other than the daily fatigue after radiation, which a good night's sleep works to cure that so far, I am feeling pretty darned good! I hate to admit that I'm in bed by 7pm every night here lately, but I do get up at 4ish in the mornings to be at work by 6:30am so I can get my hours in for the day before the hospital schedule kicks in during the afternoons. A rigorous schedule, but it is working.

My former burr under the saddle (the chemo doctor) came around today. She came in, apologized profusely to me, and even patted my arm several times. This is major progress! Hey - she even laughed! If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. She actually laughed at one of my jokes!

You may wonder at the photo entitled "Far Traveler - Voyages of a Viking Woman." Well, believe it or not, my family tree is traced back to the Vikings. We were swordmakers (Bronson). So, I feel it is ok for me to utilize the symbol.

I informed she-of-little-faith (chemo doc) today that I feel good. Like I say, other than the fatigue, I am doing amazingly well. The nurse was somewhat shocked and the doc was really surprised. She was surprised I'm still working full time and that I feel so well. I only had to check one little box on the checkup form today for fatigue, which bests the several other boxes I was checking previously.

Now, don't think that I don't know or fully realize that this is because of all the good vibes, prayers, well wishing, etc. I am receiving. I am overwhelmed in a good way with the wonderful people who surround me and continue to prop me up. And, I know that my co-workers, Ginger and Binnie, tell me daily, "This is a God thing." Yes. I wholeheartedly agree. It most definitely is a Creator thing. How else could I feel so much inner joy with a not so stylish chemo pump hanging around my neck all the time? I'm smiling as I say that.

Wanted to let everyone know how today went and also to say once again how grateful I am for all the prayers and good thoughts. They are most definitely working. I hope you will continue!

I think that this 'lovely' black fanny pack of chemo I wear to the office everyday, complete with wires and whooshing sounds, would go quite well with a Valkyrie/Viking horn hat. Anyone know where I can get one? I may need some fake braids, too.

Smiling! There is so much to look forward to. Chemo doc still warns that it could get worse in the next couple of weeks, but right now, this moment, it is good, and I'm enjoying it.

The Vikings are known for saying, "Today is a good day to die." I'm leaving the 'to die' part off!

Today is a good day ... period!

So Far, I'm Winning; The Mind As An Ally; Almost Halfway There

2008-07-23T15:54:00.001-05:00

Today's treatment went well, much better than yesterday, and ended earlier than expected. I'm already home.

I was very encouraged because the woman who works with me asked if I was feeling any symptoms yet. I told her I was a little tired, but that was all. She was amazed. She couldn't believe it and also said she couldn't believe I was tolerating the chemo so well. I told her that, to me, it feels like breathing air, nothing more. She said most people are really sick on it by now. So, good! (Meaning good for me, not them - no disrespect to less fortunate experiences of others intended.)

I told her that her reaction made me feel good. And, it did. I almost can't believe it.

As I struggled against what I could not control in the beginning, I now see it is not (so far) as bad as the experiences conjured up by my mind. I have to remember to use my mind as an ally rather than the fear-maker it can so easily become.

Eight days of radiation down -- 28 days to go, I believe that's right. Here's to the status quo. I can hope! I can do this.

Quick Jab to the Right! Radiation Kicks In (with the emphasis on 'kick'!)

2008-07-23T06:22:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I went to my radiation appointment. Up until that point it had been a stupendous day! I felt fantastic and my attitude and positivity level were both at full peak. Yes!

Then I got on that table and crash, boom, pow -- !! However, I am still standing! I can see now that this is definitely going to be a battle between my will and the machines. However, I intend to win!

At work this morning, all is well, and several encouraging email messages from Joe, Carole, Elizabeth, Maribeth -- a card from Tish telling me to 'kick butt' -- wow. I am so blessed.

More radiation to come this afternoon, but today is Wednesday, and so today and then 2 more days before my body gets a rest this weekend. The chemo is not affecting me at all, so that's a real blessing. After today I have 28 days left. That is definitely doable.

The photo above is a building at Chaco Canyon, Indian Ruins in New Mexico, which I visited last year. It's been standing for hundreds of years, overcoming all the elements that would work to overcome it and destroy it.

That building is still standing. So am I. Bring it on!

I Am Excited! I Found the Greatest Gift!

2008-07-21T18:18:00.001-05:00

This is not the response anyone, including myself, expected from me this afternoon. Sometimes, when you think everything is going wrong, you get a surprise. It's for a purpose! Isn't it always?

Today I went to the hospital to deal with the port situation. Elizabeth, bless her, went with me. Thank you Elizabeth!

The chemo doc, of course, was too busy to see me. So, a medical fellow stepped in for her to examine whether I was ready to be rehooked to chemo. Eureka. She doesn't know it (yet), but she is part of a bigger plan.

She was cheerful, efficient, concerned, caring, and ... dare I say it ... Positive! She ended the visit by stating that in the end it is all about faith and where that leads me in this so it is really all up to me. I begged her immediately to take me as a patient, but her practice is not yet open at at the hospital.

All through this situation I have been looking for the greater purpose in this journey. Today, I found it.

Next year, when all of this is over, and I know now in my heart that it will be over, I will be working through this new doctor to set up a meditation practice for the cancer patients, free of charge, and loaded with positivity and hope. I will also be working for funding to put books about inner peace all over that hospital! This will also be offered to the doctors at so that they might be more aware of compassionate action.

Meditation is not religious, and it can be practiced no matter what religion one is affiliated with. That is the beauty of it. At the core of every religious practice is the philosophy of peace, love, and compassion. Bingo.

Every night before I go to sleep, my final words to our Creator are, "How may I be used? How may I serve You?"

Now I know. If this 'setback' had not happened, then I would not have gotten the clues or met the new doctor that would lead me to this message of awareness.

I will be working diligently to notice everything I experience, share everything honestly and openly, and report to those who need it how it works and how to walk the path in a good way. I will be talking to those in my nighttime meditation group, as well as the meditation community at large here in Nashville, to see who might like to join me in facilitating.

Life is beautiful. I am full of gratitude! What a beautiful gift.

Giving is the greatest gift ... to all.

Jeff Guidry and Freedom on WebTalkRadio.net

2008-07-21T13:15:00.002-05:00

I have just learned that Freedom (and her human, Jeff) will be featured on WebTalkRadio.net this week. Freedom and Jeff have created quite the stir on this blog, and I know everyone asks me in person all the time what is happening with them now. You can keep up with their adventures at: http://www.sarveywildlife.org/

Freedom and Jeff stay in touch with me and continue to offer me hope and support, as they do to many others. I hope you'll support the good works of Freedom and Jeff by tuning in.

Show and Description:

"Vibrant Living - Animals and Humans Healing Each Other"

http://www.webtalkradio.net/content/view/618/33/

**A podcast is available

We’re all familiar with the love that we can feel for pets – and we also feel the unconditional love they can give to us. However, what about an animal healing you, especially a wild animal? Jeff Guidry of Sarvey Wildlife Center joins Diane Brandon this week to share his incredible experience and journey of healing with Freedom, a rehabilitated bald eagle. What Jeff and Freedom experienced together – and how Freedom responded to Jeff – will both delight you and make your day, as well as show you new possibilities with our animal friends and co-inhabitants of this planet. This story inspires, touches the heart, and reminds us of the power of love!

Freedom, looking stunning.

A Contemplative Mood, Gifts of Word

2008-07-20T08:26:00.001-05:00

Last Friday, Carolyn Moore, an attorney I work with who I like very much, sent me an email stating in the subject line, "For You." I am starting to love receiving emails with this subject line narrative, because they turn out to be quite special and much appreciated. I am going to share that with everyone in a moment. My interaction with Jeff Guidry, the man with the Eagle companion, Freedom, inspired her send. Thanks, Carolyn - really hit the inspiration spot for me!

At the very end of this, after Carolyn's submission, I am including a poem I like very much, and one that feels very fitting to me for the current situation. I have always enjoyed e.e. cummings. I hope you do, too.

Isaiah 40:31: "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come.

When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages, below the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm, it simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

When the storms of life come upon us ... and all of us will experience them ... we can rise above them by setting our minds and our belief toward God.

The storms do not have to overcome us, we can allow God's power to lift us above them. God enables us to ride the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure, and disappointment into our lives. We can soar above the storm.

Remember, it is not the burdens of life that weigh us down, it is how we handle them.

~ Author Unknown ~

i am so glad and very

i am so glad and very
merely my fourth will cure
the laziest self of weary
the hugest sea of shore

so far your nearness reaches
a lucky fifth of you
turns people into eachs
and cowards into grow

our can'ts were born to happen
our mosts have died in more
our twentieth will open
wide a wide open door

we are so both and oneful
light cannot be so sky
sky cannot be so sunful
i am through you so i

e.e. cummings

Lovely.

Perception

2008-07-19T07:25:00.001-05:00

If you have not seen the movie, "Wit," starring Emma Thompson, you must. It is a truth about having cancer and dealing with the medical community. This opening paragraph will make more sense as you read the rest of this blog entry.

I've had a surprise since I wrote my last blog entry. Despite my intentions to the contrary, it seems a lot of folks took the previous entry as a point of depression. Perception is interesting. Not depressed at all, not in the least. Let me explain.

I know, from experience, that until a person has to walk a certain path, they have no way of knowing how they will actually feel or react to the situation. This has been the case with me and cancer.

Even though we may have a very comfortable spiritual belief and be totally grounded in that belief, we can be surprised at how we will actually react to a potentially life threatening diagnosis. I think that the best way to describe it is that we are all born with an inate will to survive. This will to survive is very strong, stronger than we even realize. So, while we may be resigned to a philosophy of "our time is up when it's up" and be ok with that spiritually and philosophically, that inner will to survive is real and it exists. I believe that this is why we cry at funerals, even if someone suffered greatly with an illness, and even though we believe the person who has died is off to a better place. Survival is an instinct.

Some of the things that have happened to me with my medical treatment ... well, I haven't gone into great detail. Today I think I will be a little more detailed so that some of the things I say in blog entries make better sense.

Yesterday they had to remove my chemo line. Monday, the woman who hooked it up, let me know with a paniced look on her face, that she had never dealt with a power port before, so even though I suddenly felt paniced myself, I tried to help by getting out the instruction booklet they had given me. She glanced through it hurriedly and then looked around and down the hall with a helpless look on her face, and then came at me with the chemo line and said, "I think that will work."

That situation is very typical of my entire experience, thus far, where I am being treated. So, last night, in great frustration, I attempted to research other places to be treated, as I don't feel at all confident in the level of care I am receiving. Not depressed, just amazed!

This weekend I am on chemo vacation. The chemo fluid was absorbed in the tissue around my port and so it is inflamed and sore. They are hoping that by Monday afternoon it will be settled down enough to rehook to the chemo. I got several days of chemo in me this week, but by Thursday morning it was having its troubles.

The really frustrating part of this is that I told my chemo doc Thursday afternoon about this, but they didn't even look at it. Radiation doc to the rescue on Friday afternoon, once again. Thank goodness for them.

I was telling my friend Bob this morning that I do struggle to stay 'up' right now as everytime I have to interact with the doctors (all but one - thank goodness), they work diligently to give me all the worst case scenarios. Maybe this is some kind of new medical rule. I don't know, but it's not the way I operate in my life. I like to look at the positive side!

So, I write this only to say I'm not depressed. Not in the least. A little angry, oh yeah. Frustrated, definitely. This weekend I'm in a mindset of 'what next'?! But, I only have so much control here, and I do have to depend on the community to get me through this.

Now, how to make it a positive? Awareness and speaking up. This is one time I will have to stay on top of what's happening to me and how it is being addressed. I can't change what's happened, I can only be as proactive as possible.

And, really ... if you knew everything that has happened, you might actually be depressed! I promise, though, I am not. I actually feel pretty good. Rolling with the punches, doing the best I can in an unwanted situation.

There it is. Sometimes I think the cancer is the least of my problems!

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change - Every day is Fire Season

2008-07-17T17:59:00.002-05:00

Day 4 is now complete. One more day this week for radiation, and then I will have 4.5 weeks left. I can do this. But, I also don't need to wish my days away.

Today involved a chemo doc appointment wherein I let me chemotherapist know that visiting her office causes me great anxiety. This is because I feel they are so disorganized. So, with the title of this blog in mind, I let them know what I was experiencing and feeling. Things changed immediately.

Sometimes I think that a part of any journey involves learning how to own your own power and also to learn to speak up for yourself. Being a person who knows all too well about the disease to please, I often find doing this difficult. This would probably surprise a lot of people, but it is true.

Enter Dr. Wayne Dyer and Gary Zukav.

Wayne Dyer is an author and inspirational speaker I have admired for years. I quote him often. The first part of the title of this blog entry is a quote of his. The second part of the title is from Gary Zukav, another favorite and a great thinker of our time. What they both say is truth.

Here's another one from dear Wayne: "What you focus on expands." Another truth.

With Day 4 complete, I look forward to day 5. Not because I enjoy any of this, but because it brings me one day closer to surgery and being finished with this portion of treatment. I still wonder about all those who have had such wonderful experiences with cancer treatment. This has not been my experience; however, I'm going to give it my all to try and change the way I'm looking at things so they will change. I know my own attitude has a lot to do with all of it.

I know that hope and positive thinking are vitally important to our existence, no matter what we may be going through or even just navigating our way through a day in our respective lives.

I have already received such marvelous gifts that I would have never received without my diagnosis. Things that make me feel good, like the care and concern of family and friends, people I would not have otherwise met, like Jeff Guidry and his Eagle companion, Freedom, and people I have not spoken to in years reappearing in my life. These are all gifts and I need to let my focus come to rest upon these events.

I need to shore myself back up to where I was before I started feeling defeated today. I know that tonight sleep will restore me and that tomorrow is a new day, with 24 brand new hours to experience and choose how I will experience the day. It is my choice.

Tonight I will hold on tight to that trolley strap of intention, knowing it will carry me to where I need to be right now, and that is in a place of unwaivering faith and hope. Whomever came up with the expression "too much information" really knew what they were talking about! Sometimes it is TMI. That's the present moment message again. The present moment is all we have and all we will ever have.

Day 5 is going to be great. How do I know this? Because I'm going to make it that way.

I leave you (and me) with this last one from Gary Zukav. I will be meditating upon this tonight. Perhaps you will join me.

"All of Life is your partner, and together you create powerfully. Sometimes this happens when it hasn't rained in a long time - when sorrow, loneliness, and despair fill your days, and everything in your life seems brown and dry. It can happen anytime. Your life can explode with potential that had little possibility of developing the day before, if you are open to it. Every day is fire season."

Thanks Wayne and Gary - I very much needed these reminders in this moment.

Update; Day One Done!!!

2008-07-14T19:41:00.001-05:00

Writing a quick one tonight just to let everyone know I'm ok. Thanks so much for your good thoughts. I may start updating the blog on weekends only, but will do my best to write as much as possible. Lots to become accustomed to.

I'm not going to kid anyone - I was scared today. Wimp factor - I cannot stand being a wimp, and I'm usually not one, but I certainly felt like one today at different times. However, I made it through.

I'm hooked up to chemo - not as bad as I thought, but definitely a different way of navigating. I had my first radiation treatment. You can't feel anything, just lots of loud spaceship type noises (if you watch SciFi you will know exactly what I'm talking about). I kept expecting Mulder and Scully to step from behind the curtains!

So, I'm ok and have lots of things to get together for a quick get-ready in the morning to move off to work. And, as Jeff reminded me a short while ago - stay positive!

Day 1 is done. Day 2 is on the horizon. This is definitely going to be a good opportunity for mindfulness practice. I must take each moment as it comes, and no more. The past is gone, the future is not yet here. The only moment is the present moment, and in this moment, all is well.

On the Wings of an Eagle; New Friends

2008-07-13T08:48:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday a woman I work with and also a person I consider a friend, Sue Bible, sent me a forwarded email. In the subject line it said, simply: "For You."

When I opened it up, I saw the amazing photo above accompanying a true story I will place at the end of this post, with the hope that it inspire others as it inspired me.

The man in the photo above is my new friend, Jeff Guidry, and the Eagle is Freedom. Since you will read their story below, I won't repeat it here, as I will not be able to do justice to what Jeff originally wrote.

Once I read the story, "Circle of Healing," it touched me in a way I cannot express. The wonders of the circle of life. When I got to the end of the story, I saw that Jeff's email was there. One never knows if these forwards are true, but given the fact that I have cancer and (here comes a spoiler) Jeff once had cancer, I thought "What the heck" and wrote to him.

Within less than a minute I heard back from him. He was very friendly, and talked about the Eagle called Freedom. Jeff shared with me that Freedom's given name is Hanble Okinyan which means Dream Flyer in the Lakota language. Jeff told me he would let Hanble Okinyan know about me so she could send me strength.

Given that Freedom's name is Lakota, it struck me that only a few weeks before my friends held a Lakota healing ceremony for me. I believe that was significant, especially the fact that my friend Joe tied an eagle feather in my hair so that I could fly above my illness.

Lo and behold, an eagle manifests in my life. The Indian ways never cease to amaze me. I've witnessed some spectacular things hanging out with the Indians, and I always know 'God is' because of these experiences, and also because of my own faith. But there is nothing like learning about animal medicine. It's true, and the animals are indeed the messengers.

After emailing with Jeff several times, I learned a lot about his own struggle with cancer and how he worked to overcome it. There are some wonderful interviews with him about this on the internet which I will provide a link at the end of this post.

You might also like to know that the animal habitat Jeff volunteers with in Washington has some financial challenges right now due to the fact that their director passed away a few days ago. If you are interested, you can donate here: http://www.sarveywildlife.org/

I will close out my portion of this post so you can read the really good part, Jeff's story. I would like to thank Jeff publicly for taking the time to write to me, a stranger, and sharing his story and hopes with me. Another gift. In fact, we called our meeting a gift the other day.

Here is the story, enjoy:

"The Circle of Healing" by Jeff Guidry

Every day at Sarvey Wildlife Center we witness first hand the incredible battle for life that our animal brothers and sisters go through. This is a story of one Bald Eagle's magnificent spirit and sheer will to live.

It was mid-summer when a call came in reporting a fledgling Bald Eagle had fallen out of a nest on a Seattle golf course. Our very own Crazy Bob went to the rescue and transported her to the Center. She arrived with two broken wings. When asked to take her to the vet, I jump at the chance.

When I load this hurt and terrified baby into the car, she neither whimpers nor fights; she can't even stand. This is not a good sign; she is obviously in very bad shape. As I drive to Sno-Wood Veterinary Hospital, I constantly look back to check on my very special passenger. She stares at me with big beautiful brown eyes, her mouth slightly agape. I drive a little faster—this Bald Eagle must live!

She is operated on and has both wings pinned; they are now immobile. Back at Sarvey we lay her in the bottom half of a huge carrier filled with shredded newspaper for support.

The fight for her life begins.

Twice a day a tube is pushed down her throat so that food and medicine can be pumped into her. A week goes by with no change; she still cannot stand up. At three weeks, there's a slight change, but it's for the worse. I'm getting scared for this young Bald Eagle.

Working at the Center, you begin to recognize a look, a look that indicates death is winning. This bruised and broken Bald Eagle was losing the battle but not her dignity. The struggle for her life was not over.

Every chance I get I talk softly to her, telling her to hold on, to fight, to live. Why I felt such a connection to this particular eagle, I do not know.
Four weeks go by and she is still on her belly. There is nothing so heartbreaking as seeing the life force of this majestic bird slowly slip away.

At five weeks we are approaching the end.

Sarvey Wildlife Center believes in giving every soul that comes in a chance to live; but when it is painfully clear that death is the only way out, the decision is made to let that particular spirit continue on its journey. We were at this juncture; this beautiful baby eagle was given one week to see if she could, or would, stand up. This was a crushing blow. Every day that next week I checked to see if she was up. The answer was always the same... "No."

On the following Thursday I could barely face going to the Center. As I walked in not a word was spoken but everyone wore a huge grin. I raced back to the young Bald Eagle's cage, and there she stood in all her glory!
She was standing! She had won. This girl had cheated death by a mere 24 hours. She was going to make it. She was going to get her second chance.

After another week the pins in her wings were removed. Her right wing was perfect, but her left was not. She couldn't fully extend it. We tried physical therapy and hoped a little time was all she needed, but there was no significant progress. Her wing was too badly damaged. She would never fly, never soar the skies with her people. At least her life was saved, but for what? Was she doomed to live her life in a cage? Not exactly, for this was a special soul.

Bald Eagles normally want nothing to do with humans and will go to great lengths to get away from them. This girl liked people; she wanted to see what you were doing, to follow where you were going, and to see whom you were going with. She was very curious.

About this time our director suggested that I try to glove train her. She had the right temperament; maybe she could do educational programs. Wouldn't that be something? Very few eagles are able or willing to be handled, much less remain calm in front of large crowds. The work began.

I started getting her used to the glove, a little at a time. At first she was thinking, "OK, I'll step on your hand but only with one foot." Then, "OK, I'll use both feet but only for a second." Later, "Yeah you can take me part way out of my cage, then I'll jump right back in." And finally, "OK, I'll let you walk around with me on your arm. Hey, this is fun!"

At this point, every day a volunteer would take this Bald Eagle out for a cruise around the clinic. It was time for her final test—jesses, the leather straps that attach to the ankles of birds-of-prey to give control to the handler and to protect the bird from injury or escape. I put the jesses on her—a piece of cake. It was as if she were born with them on. This was certainly a very mellow Bald Eagle.

Now it was almost time for her first program, but she needed a name. None that we could come up with seemed right, and then Paula, a volunteer, said, "Hey, what about Freedom?" That was it; that was her spirit and her spirit was why grandfather sent her to us. She was ready.

Freedom is now four years old and one of Sarvey Wildlife Center's premier ambassadors. She clearly enjoys our programs and really knows how to turn on the charm. She is a star. Freedom has been on national television, on the front page of major newspapers, and is known across the country.

She is also one of the great loves of my life. She will touch her beak to the tip of my nose and stare into my eyes. At that moment our spirits are one.
I am the luckiest person on Earth.Thank you, Freedom.

***(editor's note)...Jeff said, "Why I felt such a connection to this particular eagle, I do not know."

Now we all know why:

Freedom is alive because Jeff fought for her life, and there is no doubt that Freedom sensed his love and commitment. Jeff gave Freedom the support she needed to want to live.

When Jeff was later diagnosed with a serious illness requiring chemotherapy, he found himself turning to Freedom for support. Two or three times a week, whenever he felt well enough, he would drive from Bothell to Arlington to walk with Freedom around the grounds. Now it was Freedom's turn to give Jeff a reason to fight for his life.

Only a short time ago Jeff was informed there was no trace of the disease left in his body. He immediately left for the Center.

When he took Freedom out of her flight, she did something she had never done before: She extended her wings and wrapped them around him.

The circle of healing was now complete.

Thank you, Jeff! Your new friend, Tanya

Link to good interview: http://animalinnerviews.wordpress.com/2008/06/24/freedom-the-bald-eagle/

A Russian Resident Named .... Andre'?

2008-07-12T06:47:00.001-05:00

My sister and I went for the test run at 9am and, true to my chemo doctor's way of doing, I received a call at 6:30pm Thursday night stating I would need to be at the port placement an hour and a half early. Thanks for the warning! Quick call to my sister and that worked out ok, thank goodness, as I had also toyed with the idea of possibly going to work for a couple of hours after the trial run that morning.

Trial run went ok and my radiation doc, the one I like, was there to greet me. She is a wonderful person, and I felt well cared for. She assured me that she would take care of the chemo doc portion of this equation so I no longer have that to make me pull my hair out. Bless her.

After the trial run, my sis and I went over to Dani's condo in Green Hills to wait. It was so nice to have it right there. When I got into Dani's condo, I found a note she had left for me on the bed, telling me she loves me and also a fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie she had saved for me. Incredibly thoughtful :) A couple of texts of good luck from Dani and Marjie, and then I was on my way.

We went over to the hospital at 11:30 and they got me in early. We were hoping for this. The receptionist, Lori, was very nice about telling me her own personal experience with ports while I waited to go in. In fact, everyone was very nice to me Friday, and I was starting to get a glimmer of what I'd been hearing about this hospital being a good place to go.

When I was wheeled into the procedure room, a very young and adorable Resident came over to tell me what would be happening to me. Much like my interactions with my German friend, Martina, I was dazzled by this thick accent. I already knew he was from Russia, but I asked him anyway. Sure enough! We had some laughs with him and then he made his way elsewhere. He conjured fine memories of "The Russian" in Sex and the City for us.

I was prepped, stuck with more needles, and all the rest of it. My blood pressure fell to 58 (a/k/a fear), and so they worked with me for a while. The prep nurse did such a horrible job with my IV that the pain of that kept me from focusing too terribly much on the procedure before me. I joked with the Russian Resident that they did this on purpose to make me actually want the port! Lots more prep work and then finally the anesthesia to make it all not seem so bad.

Another resident (sans Russian accent) placed the port under the supervision of a very nice surgeon. I tried to view all of this scientifically and become fascinated by the technology, which I was finally able to do. The surgeon told me I was the 25th person to have the particular port placement implanted as he was doing it. I won't go into the details of that as he is having a portion of what he was doing patented. I am a good legal assistant - I know when to keep my mouth shut.

After the procedure, they wheeled me out and my sister and I sat there for a while laughing about most everything. My sister is an incredibly funny person, so she was particularly good to have with me for this procedure. Turns out the nurse in charge of me for post-op was also very funny, so a fine time was had by all.

The only nagging part of this was that thing they had put in my neck! It felt and still feels strange and is very sore, but I'm told I won't even notice it in a few days and that it can stay there for as long as 5 years. Modern medicine is amazing - I know that statement is cliche', but when you are having first-hand experience with it ... it's just true.

I write this update today so my friends can know how things went. It's a little out of order because I had something really amazing and spectacular happen to me a couple of days ago involving a man I never met and an Eagle. I will be writing about that next, but I want to have all my faculties about me when I do -- it is an incredible story.

Today I will rest, read, and lay around and get ready for chemo and radiation on Monday afternoon. This will give me a few days to get my mind wrapped around it. I'm actually glad the process is beginning. All the prep has me emotionally pooped!

So, I hope you enjoyed this recap and are grateful as I felt you would be that I didn't go on and on with surgical details, as I well could have. Suffice it to say that other than some aches and pains, nothing too radical to report, it was ok. I survived.

Life is full of the unexpected, like Russian Residents ... named Andre'.

Port Placement, Vulcans, The Green Party, Jerry Garcia, and Seeing the Light

2008-07-09T13:56:00.001-05:00

The suspense is over. I finally heard from my chemotherapist’s nurse (after sending two reminders). They will be placing the port in my chest at 1pm this coming Friday. My sweet sister is taking me for the 9am test run for radiation, and then she and I will meander over to the port placement area, where I will be sedated and implanted. Sis will drive me home after.

Don’t ask me why, but when I was thinking about the port placement this morning, an old Star Trek episode came to mind. A quick Google search brought all the details back to me.

Vulcan Port is an alcoholic beverage produced on the planet Vulcan. In 2370, Quark offered Sakonna a glass of three centuries old, very rare, very expensive Vulcan port from his personal stock. She declined the offer. Quark loathed the taste after he sampled it himself later. (DS9: "The Maquis, Part I")

So, perhaps if I think of this as a port placement for a fine, rare beverage, then maybe that would make it more palatable. I have a feeling, though, that I will have a reaction similar to Quark’s! And, unlike Sakonna, I do not have the luxury of declining the offer. But, then again, maybe it will not be that bad. Everyone reacts differently to chemo, and some people have no reaction at all. I hope I am one of them.

The Star Trek reference allows a nice segue to a mention of a dear, old friend of mine, David Cobb. You may be thinking to yourself, “Where have I heard this name before?” I can tell you. David was the 2004 Green Party nominee for President of the United States. However, years before that, he was a Harley riding [very fine] litigator at a firm I worked for in Houston, Texas. It didn’t take long before we found each other, became fast friends, and immediately began hanging out together.

Those who know me well know that I’m a political junkie and enthusiast. David and I would often take our lunches together over at the Hard Rock Café and discuss politics as well as everything else under the sun over a Diet Coke. Friendly debates were our thing. Die hard liberals were/are we.

It was quite surreal for me back in 2004 to turn on the television and see David being interviewed on the national portion of PBS. Even more surreal to see David being arrested in an act of civil disobedience, breaking a police line while protesting the Commission on Presidential Debates for excluding third-party candidates from the nationally televised debates in St. Louis, Missouri. [WAY TO BE!!!!] I cannot adequately express how much I loved that.

David wound up placing sixth in the popular vote total nationwide, earning over 118,000 votes. He is still working in the political arena and is writing for a newspaper. I believe he also has a radio show.

Today David and I were emailing after I let him know about my diagnosis. We talked about one Christmas long ago when I presented him with a Star Trek tie, as David just never quite fit into mainstream corporate America. I remember telling him at the time that if Gene Rodenberry had anything at all to do with his turning out the way he did, then I sent salutations to Gene Rodenberry. David is a very evolved man and totally comfortable with his sensitive side. I love that about him. David still has the tie.

The next morning, all those years ago, I got to my work desk early and found a piece of paper in my chair. On the paper was written a lyric line by Jerry Garcia.

This morning, David, again, gave me the very same lyric line with regard to my current situation:

“And remember – Once in a while, you get shown the light, in the strangest of places, if you look at it right.”

No debate here, friendly or otherwise. I still have that piece of paper.

I'm Ready for My Fitting; Lights, Camera ... Action

2008-07-07T17:23:00.001-05:00

I’m Ready for My Fitting.

It would have been really nice if the old classic line in the title of this blog were for an old MGM film rather than the sizing of the tumor for radiation treatment.

When I went in today, I did not know what to expect. My hospital, from my perspective, doesn't go into a lot of detail as to what one might expect and are sketchy on many details of the process. I find myself not knowing what is happening until it happens. I’m a detail person. Details have always been very important to me. That's probably the control issue raising its head again...

Accordingly, I have decided that I would write it all out, step by step as I go, so that if someone else ever has to have these things done they might have a better picture as to what is going to happen before it happens.

So, today I went in to be ‘marked’ (literally) for radiation targeting. Basically, they have you lie face down on a table and then mark with a pen the area they want to target. Once marked, they cover the markings with tape. This remains in place for the length of the radiation treatments. In my case, 5 weeks. I was run through a scanning machine many times and it was all very other-worldly. I will go back Friday so they can do a ‘test run.’

I’m supposed to officially start treatments for chemo and radiation on Monday afternoon. However, I’ve received no calls about the port placement.

As I lay on the table I felt my back go up (figuratively) and just kept saying in my head, “Healed and Healthy!; Healed and Healthy!; Healed and Healthy!” It was empowering and felt a little like holding my own against all those machines, which can be daunting.

When I left the hospital today, I felt more empowered and felt that I would be able to hold my own against this. Just writing out the process makes me feel better. I hope that if the time comes, and someone who happens to be going through this stumbles across this blog, that it be helpful to them. Knowledge is power.

So, I’m ready for my fitting and all the rest of it, too. Getting going in this process is going to keep putting one day of it behind me.

Lights, Camera … Action.

"Let It All Fall Down"

2008-07-03T20:57:00.002-05:00

The title of this blog is something my friend and brother, Eric, always says. Today was one of those days where I really need to heed his advice. Over the past several years, it became common for him to look at me and say, "Sis, you've got to let it all fall down."
Today was one of those emotionally difficult days. They happen to the best of us. Things don't go the way you expect in many areas and then you feel out of control and ... well, you have to then let it all fall down, release attachment to outcomes, and try your best to give up the need or desire to control.

Fact is, we are never really in control, our ego just thinks we are. It's that "our resistance to 'what is' causing our suffering" message again. So, I have to let it all fall down as it will and try my best to take my hands off the steering wheel.

My friend, Elizabeth, and I made the trip to see the chemotherapist today. Bless her for being with me and for taking 7 pages of handwritten notes. How did I ever deserve such a friend? Gratitude.

Despite my own plans, it looks like I will have to take the 3 weeks off for the final weeks of this treatment at the strong suggestion of my chemotherapist. And, speaking of the chemotherapist, I guess I need to correct something I wrote in the last blog. According to this doctor, just because the scan didn't show activity in those two lymph nodes, this does not mean it's not there. So, my misunderstanding. However, I also know this is a science vs. faith thing, and I am definitely about faith. So ... there it is.

I have to have a port put in my chest next week and then I will start treatment shortly thereafter, which will involve 5 days per week of radiation and 24/7 chemo by drip through the port. Good news is this is for 5 weeks rather than the 6-8 weeks I was expecting. So, that's an easy expectation to drop. Two months after this treatment, I will have surgery, and then two more months of chemo immediately thereafter. The whole process is going to take 6 months, or as I always like to say, instead: 24 weeks. Weeks always sound shorter than months to me.

Tonight I have my Native flute music on in the background as I type this as it always calms me. And, I'm trying to pull myself up from under all the information I've been receiving, as well as the fears that rear their little heads sometimes. Not so much fear of what I'm about to go through, but the fear of losing control (which I don't really ever have anyway) of all the little details I'm taking care of to have this go as smoothly as possible. Lots to remember and pull together. Funny how logic loses out to emotions sometimes. But, it most certainly does!

Wanted to get this update on here for those checking daily. Thank you for reading and caring. It means a lot to me.

Releasing expectations and attachment to outcomes. That is on the drawing board for tonight and this weekend. That should relieve a lot of stress pretty quickly. Faith ... it's all about faith.

I will be writing more over the weekend. Hope everyone has a happy 4th of July.

Nothing really planned for tomorrow, well, nothing except ... I'm going to let it all fall down.

I know I am lucky, and I am very grateful for that. Thanks for listening.

Radiologist Visit / Elizabeth

2008-07-02T18:00:00.001-05:00

Today I visited the Radiologist for the first time. My dear friend, Elizabeth, accompanied me, and thank goodness she did. So much information recently and I have a hard time keeping up with everything. So, she took great notes in her beautiful handwriting, and I'm good to go. Thank you, Elizabeth!

The radiologist told me today that the two lymph nodes my surgeon told me were affected did not show up on the scan!

This is potentially good news. I say potentially because he said that may not mean anything, but I think it does. He seemed to not know what to say about that, so I lay that off to science. I think he was surprised.

Something has happened with all the prayers and healing. I know it. I feel I really know it.

Fingers crossed that the chemo and radiation can get rid of this cancer once and for all and avoid the need for surgery OR make it a minor surgery. The chemo doctor is tomorrow and then I'll have the whole picture (as whole as can be right now).

Given I only have part of the picture right now, I will write a more informative blog Friday morning. Tomorrow evening I have to have another CT scan of the chest area at 6:30pm, and won't be home 'til late. But, I will do my best to update at that time.

I believe something has happened and continues to happen here. I believe that the cancer will respond to these treatments and move along!

I appreciate everyone's prayers and healing thoughts. I sincerely hope you will continue!

Please keep the prayers and healing energy coming. I can use 'em!!!

I'm so thankful for you and your prayers! Each of you are a gift to me.

I am a lucky girl.

Scan Results

2008-07-01T15:45:00.002-05:00

This is a very brief statement to let everyone know .... (drum roll) ... The Cancer Has Not Spread!!! I've been jumping for joy this afternoon! My surgeon's office was kind enough to let me know by email. So, the official statement in the email is that the cancer has not spread from the rectum.

Still lots of things to go through and still lots of things ahead, but I do expect a healing. And, I want to thank everyone for their good thoughts, healing thoughts, prayers, and everything else good that I can offer! It makes such a difference!

So, more detail later, but have to run for now. Thank you, Creator!

The Love of a Mother and Sister; My Inspiration

2008-06-30T17:20:00.002-05:00

Today was another good day. I'm sure having a lot of them, and I'm grateful for them. Each day is a gift that I hope we all honor and appreciate.

I wanted to write today about my Mom and my Sister.

A few years ago I sold my condo close to downtown (I sure miss that commute!) and moved in with my Mom, Joy, near Lavergne. She is now in advanced stage MS, and I am her primary caregiver. She is not feeling well at all most of the time, and I've pretty much kept things going for a while now. She hardly ever complains and is very diligent in trying to be as independent as possible. I have to admire that. She is a strong woman who has lived her share of extraordinarily tough times, and she has always been a survivor. I very much admire her.

My sister is younger than me, and a greater soul you'd never want to meet. She's funny, super talented, and a great writer. She's also a wonderful human being.

Several years ago she was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease, and her attitude has been tremendous throughout. She has actually always been a "shero" to me because a greater person I have never had the honor to know. And, even though I'm the oldest, it is she whom I have always tried diligently to be more like. Anyone who names the disease they have P-Diddy is OK in my book.

I have always been the ridiculously healthy one in the family. So, when I was diagnosed with rectal cancer, it came as a great surprise to everyone. I wasn't supposed to be the one who got sick.

The last two weeks have been strange, trying, and wonderful all at the same time, but as I said in earlier blog entries, my first thoughts after diagnosis went to my family.

Despite everything they have going on all the time with their own illnesses, they have really been there for me the last two weeks. I know my mom stayed up for 3 nights in a row praying all night for me. My sister has done pretty much the same, and makes it her mission to help keep me in a positive frame of mind.

It is times like these when you really understand how important family is, and now I'm getting a first-hand look at things they deal with all the time. It is not always easy. At times, it is hard to stay 'up,' when so much uncertainty lies in your path. As I said, I'm understanding that a lot better now than I did before.

I wanted to write about them today because I want them both to know how honored I am to be a part of them. How honored I am that they teach me by example how to handle the difficult and unknown times with grace and humor.

So, I send a heartfelt thank you to my Mom and my Sister for teaching me by example how to be strong in tough times.

Thank you for all you are doing for me when it is not always easy for you to do so.

I love you both very much.

Mom, Taryn: You inspire me.

A Very Special Day; Lakota Prayer & Healing Circle

2008-06-29T18:58:00.001-05:00

Today was a very special day for me. My friend Maribeth wrote a wonderful descriptive of the day, and I am borrowing heavily from that here. I'm appreciative to be able to do this, because the day was so special that having her descriptive as a base lets me enjoy the day even more. Thank you, Maribeth. You have a gift with words.

Approximately 20 people, maybe a few more, gathered at my friend Maribeth's home for a special healing circle for me. What a beautiful experience.

There were people there from my meditation group, The Circle of Friends, friends from the Native American Community, and people from another local meditation group here in town I affectionately refer to as the Psychologists Circle, a group of psychologists who hold regular meditation together. I was overwhelmed at a Sunday afternoon attendance.

We shared food and conversation beforehand and as my friend Maribeth said, everyone was so generous.

My good friend Joe, whom I met years ago in the Native community, offered Lakota ceremonial prayer and sang 3 Native American songs accompanied by his hand drum. He brought his medicine wheel as part of the ceremony, and also provided prayer ties he had made. Prayer ties are bits of tobacco wrapped in red cloth. The person making them says prayers as they put the bag together and then attach them to a string or rope to give to the person in need so the prayers are always there.

Next, he placed an Eagle feather in my hair for healing. He offered up wonderful prayers for healing.
Lisa and Marjie offered up prayers and healing in their own way and some wonderful prayers were heard. Everyone had their hands on me while they prayed, and it was overwhelmingly powerful.

As is the Native way, we paid attention to what was taking place in nature. A red cardinal flew by at one point (the giver of new life in the Native American belief system), and the wind became stronger at various times, and this is a sign of the Creator's presence. Many had strong insights. There was lots of love going around.

We ended the circle with a meditation from my friend Bliss Wood's CD. It blessed all of us.

As Maribeth said, everyone felt this was the best Sunday they had spent in a long time. Many were praying for me from afar at the very same time. Thanks to Sooz, Linda, Dani, Martina, Larry, Bliss and I am sure many others.

Lots of folks stated "we are on this journey with you," and everyone reiterated their promise to be there for me during this challenge and to offer not only love but everything else I may need as well

It was a wonderful spiritual day where everyone really gave of themselves.
Today was a gift. A gift I shall never, ever forget. I am truly humbled and blessed.

I most humbly thank the Creator for each and every one of you. I am blessed, blessed, blessed. Thank you, God, for this day where Your love was so evident. I bow to you.