Beneath the Surface; Looking Deeply

Last week I went to see a new chemotherapy doctor. I thought back to my experience with the original doctor and found myself dreading dealing with the doctor again. You will note that I wasn't dreading the procedure itself, I was dreading the experience with the doctor. I knew that was not good.

One should have complete faith that they are receiving the best care, and I did not feel that way. So, I let my regular doctor know and he sent me to a chemotherapy doctor who is known as one of the best in the country. Relief.

The new doctor did not agree with the intensive chemotherapy route, but did explain to me how important it was to finish the process, to make sure to reach beneath the surface and make sure all cancer cells were pressure washed away, so to speak, and destroyed, for good. Accordingly, I will be in his care for 16 weeks, with treatment every other week, 3 hours each time, and then wearing the ever stylish chemo fanny pack for 2 days following each treatment. Given the fact that I was originally to wear the fanny pack 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 weeks, this is good news indeed. I begin Wednesday, March 18.

I questioned the need for chemo, especially intensive chemo, for this final phase. It seemed to me I was feeling good, the cancer is gone, and so I asked myself why I should put my body through the additional strain of filling it with more toxins. Apparently, the best doctors will tell you this is very necessary. The difference is that this new doctor actually sat down with me and explained in great detail, with charts no less, the reasons and the conventional medical wisdom with regard to treatment.

It was nice to not have a beeper going off the entire time I was talking to him! I should also mention that the port, which the previous hospital had told me had been plugged for some time, was not plugged. The new doctor had it working immediately. My poor veins thought back to the hospital experience, when the port could have been used ... and was not. Oh well, this is now, and now is definitely right on time.

I will once again be incorporating the practice of "looking deeply," and in doing so I can develop my insight into impermanence and no self, as these are the keys to the door of reality. I know that I have been through the most difficult part of this process, and I tolerated the chemo well the first time, so I can expect to tolerate it well this time, even though the dose will be much greater. I will also be able to work throughout the process and no one will have to go with me for treatments.

My tolerance for patience has greatly improved during this journey and, looking deeply once again, I can see that my friends will carry the things I cannot carry, and they will do so beautifully. Yet another gift. I can also see the gift in this for them, because in the past I handled everything, and now I know well that they really want to handle some things, and I have learned to allow that. Blessings for all. So I sit my very busy life aside in less than a week so that rest and healing can take place.

In Zen teaching there is a saying: "The lotus only grows in mud." I have definitely walked through some mud during this process, and I know that the mud has been necessary for my own growth. Now I await the proper conditions for the bloom to manifest. I know that it will. And I know that this, too, is impermanent. It is also faith.