A New Year, A Little Levity, Let the Fun Begin

Well, it's here, New Year's Eve. What a year 2008 has been! I just happen to be in a very good space right now. Let's have a little fun.

I have two whole months before I have to contemplate or even think about more cancer treatment (the Chemo) again. So, now is the time to kick back, enjoy myself, be as silly as I wish (and I often choose to be silly), and spend New Year's Eve as I always spend New Year's Eve ... Yes, that's right, Anderson and I will once again bring in the New Year together. Ahhhhhhhhh.

As faithful viewers are aware, Anderson doesn't get much time off. He often covers stories in foreign countries. Oprah calls on him a lot to do special reports, and sometimes he is even called upon to do a magazine cover or two.

This never stops Anderson, though, from doing his philanthropic work. From saving dogs and cats during his 'off time' in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, to making the public aware of endangered species on the "Planet in Peril" series (below), and much, much more.

Despite his very busy and hectic schedule, I am always able to be there and am always included in his adventures. Life is indeed good!

I invite everyone to join Anderson and me tonight and raise a glass to 2008, bid her a fond farewell, and welcome 2009 with open arms! It may be a challenging year in many respects, but it will be a great year, too.

In 2009 I will be finished with cancer treatment and so will be able to further expand my own philanthropic work, this time to include helping cancer patients face and walk through their own illnesses.

Yes, 2009 has endless possibilities. What will I create this year? What will we all create this year? It is exciting to think about, isn't it? In fact, it may be as exciting as it was for me to create this blog post using all these wonderful photos (that would have to be pretty darned exciting)!

So, a Happy and Healthy New Year to All! I will think of you all tonight as I bring in the new year with Anderson. You know, I just love spending time with him ... I mean - just look at him.

Now, if only I could lose that Kathy Griffin. She's always around on New Year's Eve! Oh well -

I cannot in good faith end this post with a photo of Kathy Griffin. No, I cannot. For ladies everywhere, one more dreamboat photo of Anderson. Please enjoy it - next post is back to the business at hand!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! May 2009 Bring a Cure for Cancer!

I Feel Good About It! Well ... I do! The treats are always in the tricks!

Yesterday afternoon I went to see my surgeon for my two week check up. It was nice to head over there, knowing nothing was wrong, and just going to get the "A-OK for now" report. Once there, I kidded around with the nurses, traded some jokes with the interns, and waited for the surgeon to see me. He came in, was his usual charming self, and we, too, traded some laughs.

Now, since we are discussing Cancer (be sure to read that with a good reverb and echo effect), we must quickly become very serious. (Getting serious... getting serious... .............. - OK, I'm ready) ...

He let me know that my radiation wound may never completely heal. (That's the wound that causes me challenges in sitting for long periods of time.) Yes, it could completely heal and probably will, but ... it may never completely heal (reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (It will heal.)

Next, we discussed the final phase of Chemotherapy, and he let me know that the Chemo may be rough and could reopen the wound. If that happened, I would have to start completely over with the healing process. Yes, the Chemo could progress without incident and probably will, but it could reopen the wound (reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (I know it will be OK.)

And, finally, after the eight weeks of Chemo, we keep checking everything for 5 years to make sure there is no recurrence of the cancer. After all that (and if the sky doesn't fall in at any point during this time ... literally) I would be declared completely healed (really good reverb and echo effect). OK, check. (I will be declared completely healed.)

Feeling a little defiant towards the medical gloom and doom dialogue I've come to know so well, I looked deep into his very serious eyes and said ... "I feel good about it"!!!

The photo below will show you a good visual of the look I received back. They really don't know what to do with me. (I like that!)

As I was telling a couple of my friends today, I learned early on that I had to disregard the gloom and doom forecasts from the doctors. They seem to focus intently on the very worst outcomes.... (They should really work on that.) Most of the awful things they told me in the beginning never happened.

Life is all about surprises, and sometimes you are handed tricks and other times you are handed treats. We may say "Trick or Treat"! But, in reality, all we want are the treats ... life isn't always about the treats. It's a balance.

Because you know by now that the last statement will eventually lead to another photo ... my good friend Eric sent me an adorable photo of he and his two daughters, Audrey and Katie, on Halloween this year. When I saw it, I asked if I could use it here, because the truth is, it reminded me that whether you get tricks or treats in life, in the end, it's all good and it's always a surprise. The treats can be found in the tricks ... you have to look for them. They are there!

Thanks Audrey and Katie for the reminder! As far as the cancer and all the rest ... I feel good about it ... Well, I do! (Reverb and echo effect)!

Miracles and Wings

I return to work on Monday and am quite anxious to do so! I look forward to being back among my friends and returning to a normal work routine. The trick is that I will now have a new normal, and there is really something quite extraordinary about that, if I look at it right.

My co-workers, bosses, and HR department have been nothing short of fantastic to me, and I feel so blessed. In fact, with my new challenges, the HR department has done everything humanly possible to make my return to work as stress free and effortless as possible. Every time I tell my nurses or friends what my office has done to ensure an environment that feels safe to me, I receive looks of amazement, because what they have done is not the norm. I sure do work for a wonderful place.

The other night I watched It's a Wonderful Life again, and I realized that George Bailey represented, at least to me, what I was going through. We move through life, doing our thing, trying to be good people and do our best, and then when something happens to us, we often feel alone. But, we are wrong. When I was first diagnosed with rectal cancer, I spent a good deal of time in shock. It did not seem or feel real. However, on some level I felt the fear and panic that goes along with the medical unknown, and so I walked the balance beam, trying to keep my balance as much as possible. And, I prayed a lot.

Just like George Bailey, when I experienced trouble in my life, I was shocked to learn I had so many friends ... friends I didn't even know I had ... friends who showed up from the other side of the United States, who I never met before, friends who came running and circled the wagons around me, protecting me, praying for me, and supporting me. What a beautiful surprise to experience.

In this season of miracles, and out of respect for what I consider a miracle of healing in my own life, I want to share a poem I wrote about 14 years ago. Way back then, I knew someone who was in trouble, and they were on my heart. I prayed for them for one year, night and day, and I was blessed to witness a miracle of healing. In this time of honoring our Creator, my family, and my friends, and also keeping in mind the medical challenges my sweet sister is dealing with right now, I think it would be good to remember that miracles do indeed happen:

"When I gaze upon the handiwork of our Lord, I cannot fully comprehend the wonder of His work; it is far too majestic. But when my soul beckons me still, and my heart suddenly fills with the wonder of God's love, I know it is real; I know what God has done, for it is in those still moments that the memory of the miracle God gave me comes to rest in my heart. It is in the moments of silent prayer and meditation that the feelings flow deep within my soul, and I can once again feel the rapture that coursed through me when God blessed me with an answered prayer.

For where there once loomed death, there is now a pink, healthy face. And as I gaze into his eyes, I can see that they now shine from the light of the Lord, for God is the light that glows from within. The beauty of his soul, which had been hidden there, now shines through the clear, blue windows that are his eyes, and from there glows the grace and warmth of a spiritual light for all to see. Somewhere inside myself stirs the knowledge that God is resting there ... waiting to heal another tattered soul." `Tanya Touchstone, 1994`

Miracles do indeed happen, and I thank Creator for mine, as Creator has allowed me to fly on the wings of an eagle (Hanble Okinyan, I believe you were sent to me from heaven above).

Appreciate each day, each moment, and look for ways to earn your wings. Hint: Look to the Source of All That Is from whom all things are possible, as well as your family and your friends. Among them, you will find your wings.

Big News for Jeff and Freedom (a/k/a Hanble Okinyan)

I received an email from Jeff Guidry this morning. Those following my cancer journey know that Jeff and Hanble Okinyan have figured very prominently in my recovery. After it's all over, I'm traveling "way" West to meet them both, and I look very forward to that. And, those who know me in general know that "Promotion" is my middle name, and I absolutely could not resist the opportunity to let everyone know the following:

EXCITING NEWS: Jeff has a book projected to be released sometime in late 2010 about his own cancer journey and how Hanble Okinyan helped to save him. As you know, they saved each other, and now they are saving others, one by one.

Please make an effort to let all your friends know about the book! As you may have already guessed, I am going to do everything I can to make CERTAIN that Nashville Cancer Hospitals and Support Groups are COVERED with this book when it becomes available!

Also, you will enjoy visiting Sarvey Wildlife Center where Freedom lives and where Jeff volunteers his time for the wild ones: http://www.sarveywildlife.org/

In this season of giving, it is a delight to share the information about the gift of this upcoming book.

Congratulations Jeff & Hanble Okinyan!!

Rain

Many thanks to my precious sister, Taryn, and my dearest friends, Dani and Joe for posting in my absence. It is good to be back here ... writing again.

I am in a particularly good place now, but this has not always been so over the past weeks. I've been trying to decide how to step back a few weeks and honestly write about what I was feeling at the time and if I should even go there.

The answer to my own query is, of course, 'yes, you must go there' -- I must honestly tell what I was feeling and how I moved through it. Please do not mistake what I write in the present moment as indicative of how I am feeling now. Others who are now going through or will go through cancer treatment, God bless them, need to know that they are not alone in feeling despair, desperation, and grief.

Let me try to look back: I was doing very, very well after my first hospital stay. I felt good, was recovering in record time, and my attitude was good regarding the major life change of a permanent colostomy. No cheerleader jumps, mind you, but a very good attitude.

Then, in the span of a week, right around my birthday (which I feel is not a coincidence), I started to have pain and then my energy declined and in the end I was in the Emergency Room, in so much pain that I literally prayed to God: "Please, please let me die."

I was admitted to the hospital a second time, and the infection, which I was told beforehand could happen, had me laid pretty low. I cried every night in the hospital, and the prayers for death kept coming from me. Over the course of this second round of treatment, and the ultimate second surgery, I learned from my surgeon that this depressive state is very normal. Depression sets in when a major, major surgery occurs, and it is a part of the body's healing process. I did not know this going in, and it would have been helpful to know.

So, I dealt with an overwhelming depression. People who know me know that I'm not a depressed person. In fact, I'm pretty upbeat all the time. Doctors, friends, and acquaintances encouraged me to take antidepressants. I resisted because I had taken them during my divorce and did not like the effects when I came off of them. Besides, I had learned to meditate since all of that, and it takes the place of pills. Problem was, I couldn't even get myself to meditate.

When everything seemed to be closing in on me, and once returned from the second hospital stay, I had to stay in the bed 24 hours a day. Very difficult for an active person like me. However, I did not want to return for a third visit to the hospital. My veins couldn't take anymore and I couldn't take anymore. It was time to get it together.

I pulled out my trusty book, "No Death, No Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh, knowing it would help to center me and to avoid taking a pill to make my mind feel better. Here is what I read:

"... [I]f you are committed to an idea about truth or to an idea about the conditions necessary for your happiness, be careful. The first Mindfulness Training is about freedom from views: Aware of the suffering created by fanaticism and intolerance, we are determined not to be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory or ideology ... [mindfulness] teachings are guiding means to help us learn to look deeply and to develop our understanding and compassion.... This is a practice to help free us from the tendency to be dogmatic. Our world suffers so much from dogmatic attitudes. The first mindfulness training is important to help us remain free people. Freedom is above all else freedom from our own notions or concepts. If we get caught in our notions and concepts, we can make ourselves suffer and we can also make those we love suffer." [Emphasis added.]
From "No Death, No Fear," by Thich Nhat Hanh, Riverhead Books - 2002

It didn't take much for me to realize that not only was my 'thinking and analyzing' about my situation causing me to suffer, it was also causing my family and friends to suffer. I may be willing to go through some suffering myself, but I would never inflict any self-imposed misery on my family and friends. At least I would not knowingly do this.

So, I requested prayer from my work prayer group, my meditation group, and several other sources. I also contacted a support group for ostomies (thank you, Anne and Anice). I also received letters of support from Rebecca, Jen, Melna, and dear Ginger. These things helped, and turning my mind into an ally instead of an enemy also helped. No pill can take the place of constructive self action.

Finally, I cried. I don't mean the crying I described at the hospital. I'm talking full-on sobbing, and I did sob for a long time. I never cried before, not once. No tears when I was diagnosed. No tears when I was afraid of procedures. No tears during chemo, radiation, surgery, or even the unwanted colostomy. You see, "I had to be strong." Something I imposed upon myself. But, what is strength, really?

What would happen if the mighty Oak tree or the frailest flower had to be so strong that it could never receive the rain that would cause its growth?

I now realize that my tears were the rain my body and spirit so desperately needed during a time when I was going through so very much. Once the tears flowed, I was able to water my own new seeds so that they could grow. My tears were the rain I needed for my own growth.

This is an honest account of what I was feeling only a few short weeks ago. I hope it is useful information for someone else. I also hope that whomever reads this sees that those low feelings are impermanent. Everything is impermanent. There is a comfort in that knowledge.

Let yours tears be rain.

"Every blade of grass has its angel
that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'"
~The Talmud~

Seven Spiritual Laws --as told by Joe Johnston

In the Lakota way, we're taught that we should live by seven main spiritual laws or values.

The first law is to walk quietly. Walk humbly. Be gentle with everyone and everything on earth. Some people like to feel big and in control. But really we're not in control. We're created small and weak, so our Creator can fill us with power. We have nothing, do nothing, are nothing, without the gift of life.

The second law is to be respectful of everything in creation. We're all created by the same God, and the same holy spirit dwells within us. The very thing we waste or throw away may be the most important thing to someone else. And of course respect has to start with ourselves, respecting our bodies, minds, emotions, and feelings.

The third law is to be helpful, or generous, which are really the same thing. Whatever we have is not ours alone, but is a gift to be shared through us. One person may have money, and another not. One may be strong, one may be smart, and one may be a good cook. Whatever we have, it's something we all need.

The fourth law is to be compassionate. Everybody has a story. Everybody has their pain and joy. And when we see someone, we don't know what their story is, or the reasons for the way they act. We're in no position to judge.

The fifth law is to have a good attitude. This may be the most important value for our children, because the way we act is the way they'll act. So we don't have a good attitude only when life goes the way we think it should. We're to have a good attitude no matter what life brings our way.

The sixth law is to be forgiving. Everybody has been done wrong. We all have reasons to be mad and resentful. But that only shortens our own life. It's like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies. When we forgive, it sets everyone free. And we have to start by forgiving ourselves.

And the seventh law is to be pray and be thankful. Our lives are abundant. Not because we have this or that thing we want, but simply because we have life. If we're truly thankful, then the other laws will fall into place.

Different teachers may talk about these values a little differently, or call one or two by a different name. And there are many values in Lakota culture, including self control, courage, and patience, among other things. Personally, I enjoy hearing the seven laws in this way I've told them here. I find this list to be fully Christian, and compatible with many other faith walks. It's is the best prescription I've found for happy, peaceful day-to-day living.

Joe J

Footsteps in the journey

As a woman (and I'm sure some men) we tend to be caregivers. We want to be there for a loved one, or a friend, when they're in trouble. But sometimes the best thing to do is sit back and allow the person to go through what they are going through without any kind of help. The help actually becomes a hindrance. It can be a delicate balance at times. I knew that would be the case with Tanya, when I first learned of the cancer.

I knew right from the start about the "proverbial stiff upper lip" that Taryn is talking about. So when I first heard the news, one of the first things out of my mouth was, 'you're not gonna sit there and go through this yourself, you have to allow people to help you.' I knew that would be tough for Tanya, but I have been so proud of the help that she has so willingly embraced along the process. Because of that, I've tried to be mindful of the times that she has asked not to be called/e-mailed/texted. But I tell you, as being a loved one, which makes this journey mine as well, it has been very hard sometimes to sit back and wait patiently. Allowing the healing to happen, only hearing about her being through a person or two, here or there. It's tough. But like I said, it's a delicate balance and I know it's what is best for her at this time. The positive to it, though, is that I have gotten to know Tanya's sister better, whom, as anyone reading these posts can see, is an amazingly talented writer like her sister.

Love you Tanya.

Love, Dani

The Struggle of Recouperating

It never fails. Each time I speak to Tanya and ask the question, "How are you feeling?" I can expect the same reply, "I'm doing better!" or "I'm doing ok." She never says, "I feel lousy today" or "I'm in alot of pain."

It's a long standing unspoken tradition in our family to keep the proverbial stiff upper lip when going through illness, a bad time etc. And, Tanya has perfected it. So, she is trying to focus on each day as it comes. My mother has really been there for her as she has alot of experience with bad health. She knows it inside and out and back again.

So, instead of 'grinning and bearing it and wishing away the pain", Tanya said she is going to make a conscious effort to recoup and experience each moment as it happens. Thanks to all her friends and concerned co-workers.



Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.