Faith

I've been away from the blog for about a week now. Several have given me loving nudges today to post. Fact is, there is nothing new to report at this time. And, truthfully, I've been running the gamut of emotions over the past week, with the emotions finally colliding into each other over the weekend. I usually hide these things pretty well, but some may have noticed. I hope not.

Now that things are better, I believe that my head has stopped spinning so much, and my emotions are catching up with all that has taken place, so very quickly. It's much like going through a divorce - these strange emotions surface, out of the blue, at the oddest times, and you don't understand where they are coming from. You learn later that it's your emotions dealing with things as they are ready and able. A roller coaster ride that finds even ground given time to do so. In the meantime, it can be quite a ride, with lots of unexpected dips and curves. In the end, though, the balance comes and you are able to look around to see where you are, still standing, still living.

My intellectual self grasps what is happening and knows the right tools to use to deal with it. My emotional self, which is a part of the human package, isn't merging well with the intellectual at this time. The fact is, I'm feeling very sad right now. I do feel good about the way I've handled everything and it is good to know that I didn't fall apart because of a cancer diagnosis. That makes me happy. However, now that things have gotten better, I believe my emotions are playing catch-up. I'm also still struggling with the concept of a permanent colostomy. Why? I don't know. It's strange for me to feel this way - I typically take everything head on. But, not right now... My usual pragmatic self is hard to find at this time.

I went to a festival this weekend wherein meditation practice was discussed. I was reminded that it is indeed okay to not be in a good place and that the not so good place would pass, as it is impermanent. Good to have that reminder. Feelings serve a purpose. If I am a faithful practitioner, I notice the way I'm feeling and then let it go, knowing it is a part of the process. And, I am doing this. However, it is a strange place to be in and, again, not the way I usually react to things. When I was young I was emotional, and as I grew, I stopped being that way. Perhaps the child within is surfacing.

With all of that said, today was a much better day. I enjoyed my co-workers and had some laughs with my bosses. I adore each of them in very different ways. They tend to always make me laugh, and I'm lucky to have this kind of working relationship with them.

As well, my 50th birthday is right around the corner. I will be recovering from surgery when it takes place. Before I had the cancer diagnosis, I had spent the better part of the year planning how I would say good-bye to my 40s and usher in my 50s, gratefully ushering in my 50s, I might add. The 40s were tough, and I had many tough life experiences. I also had some wonderfully rich experiences that are memories I cherish and hold dear. Maybe I will celebrate my birthday early, relive the past 10 years over a glass of wine, and then let them go. The 50s are going to be great. I'm more settled now and comfortable with myself and who I have become. It's a relief, really, to be 50. The pressure is off! I laugh as I write that last statement. It's really the way I feel.

I know, intellectually as well as emotionally, that in the end it is all about faith. Creator has carried me this far, and I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm still trying to grasp the miracle that I've experienced. I am so lucky, truly. Life did not turn out the way I planned or intended in many respects, but in other ways it has turned out far better than I could have ever imagined for myself. Therein lies the lesson, again, letting go of expectations. Even though I am not settled regarding a permanent colostomy, my friend Anne told me, "Don't write the script. You don't know what is going to happen." A truth. Anne McCarthy has been a real mentor to me. I appreciate the wisdom she has shared with me over the years. In many ways they have molded me and gotten me through some tougher times. She has been right every time, and has given me the benefit of her experience. That has been a real gift. She has nurtured me when I needed it and given me 'what for' when I required it. I appreciate you, Anne.

It's all about faith and where Creator takes me and what Creator has in store for me. The things and experiences yet unknown. I'm going to stop writing the script and see what happens ... take my hands off the steering wheel. There is a Divine plan, and I must walk faithfully toward it.

So, I'm getting back in line for the roller coaster ... Dips and curves? Yes. Frightening moments? Certainly. Life? Definitely.

I feel better now getting my thoughts down.

It is all about faith, one step at a time, into unknown territory. It's all going to work out, and I will catch up with myself. Faith.